Simon Says:

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I don’t know this takes some getting used to. I have not made an entry into my blog for years. Technology has made many advancements. Text to speech software is a wonderful thing. However I must say it works a lot better on an android smart phone that does on a PC. I am using a PC to write this. I bought the software last week and have now just begun to experiment with it. So far, I guess as with anything new, I don’t like it. The reason I don’t like it so far is it does not seem very accurate. However, I’ve been playing with it for a few hours now and the more I play the better I get. Even with its flaws, I still find it easier and faster than typing. I’m also able to think clearer because I’m not wasting any of my thoughts on where the next keystroke is. I must say this is the furthest I’ve been able to get without too much trouble. Right now I am thinking I’m glad I did not give up on it too easy. The more I learn to use his program the more I’m beginning to like it.

 

One thing that is definitely going to be hard for me is that others around me will be a will to hear the things I am writing. I am a very private man and I keep most of my thoughts to myself. The problem is I have to let them out, or I will go absolutely crazy as I’ve done so many times before. I don’t write this stuff for any one particular person beside myself. I can’t seem to explain why but it seems to help me. Actually when I say there are others around me that can here when I’m writing and saying at the same time there is really only one person and that person my wife, yes, I have remarried since the last time I made a blog entry. I’ve been married a little over two years now, I’ve moved a long distance to be with this woman. Where I am now, the culture is unlike any other I can remember living in. Not only that, my entire life has changed. My marriage has only been a small part of those changes. I guess most of them have been in my head. I still suffer from the same things I did years ago but I have changed. I moved out into the country and I want to tell you that there’s something about living in the country that makes you feel older, chronologically speaking and possibly mentally.

 

I once said that I would never own my own house again but I guess somehow I ended up going back on my word. When you own your own house it becomes a burden. It’s a never ending full-time job maintaining it. I don’t really feel like I own this house but I do live in it and I am married to the woman who does own it. This particular house has been neglected since the day it was built back in 1978. Absolutely everything you can imagine needs to be done to it. And at times I feel a bit overwhelmed with it to the point of just wanting to let it go. It’s just I have other things I like to do with my life at least what’s left of it. I guess in a way it keeps me under some control and busy on the days I do get around to working on it.

 

If you compare my life to the way it used to be, I’m sober now but am very, very bored. Well you can see why I don’t like saying these things to loud. All I know is I feel like I have more work to do here on this house than I can ever handle. So I feel that this house even given my best efforts is going to slowly deteriorate as time goes on. But I guess I’m going to do my best, I can’t afford the help I need and people around here are just plain untrustworthy and lazy. So it seems I lost a lot of my enthusiasm. I do miss getting high and the parties and the fun people. The people here are bit different. They only believe in one thing and that is praising the Lord Jesus Christ and that is all that matters to them. I live in what they call the Bible belt, in the Deep South which is referred to as the low country. I guess for now it’s okay, but it is true, I do miss the life, and I’m not getting and younger.

Simon Says:

Wow, it's been awhile, sorry about that if there's anyone left. I kinda crashed and burned, but as usual I'm still stand'n. Had ton's of fucking problems keeping on my feet. I was found by some of my old asshole buddies. Ran into one in the grocery store? Of all places, running into someone I know in a grocery store happens like never, I guess, unless I'm trying to avoid them. Especially in a different city. Well thing's got a little crazy again i.e.. I got a little crazy. First time I wanted to kill someone, I mean actually wanted to. I ain't really sure how he turned out but I don't think it was good. Of course we started using again and I gradually went nuts. I'm okay now, and gone for good. I was just listening to Pandora on my computer and this song came on that I've never heard before, I liked it, so here's the lyrics:

                                              "Like A Stone"

On a cob web afternoon,
In a room full of emptiness
By a freeway I confess
I was lost in the pages of a book full of death;
Reading how we'll die alone.
And if we're good we'll lay to rest,
Anywhere we want to go.

In your house I long to be;
Room by room patiently,
I'll wait for you there like a stone.
I'll wait for you there alone.

And on my deathbed I will pray to the gods and the angels,
Like a pagan to anyone who will take me to heaven;
To a place I recall, I was there so long ago.
The sky was bruised, the wine was bled, and there you led me on.

In your house I long to be;
Room by room, patiently,
I'll wait for you there like a stone.
I'll wait for you there alone, alone.

And on I read until the day was gone;
And I sat in regret of all the things I've done;
For all that I've blessed, and all that I've wronged.
In dreams until my death I will wander on.

In your house I long to be;
Room by room, patiently,
I'll wait for you there like a stone.
I'll wait for you there alone, alone.

 

It's by a group named AUDIOSLAVE.

 

Well, I can't talk openly right now, it's like being in a room where you don't want anyone to overhear you. I'll have to figure a way into a different room or something, but for now I plan on writing what I can. I don't wanna be found again, not sure how that would go and I ain't going to find out. I'm healthy and a little pissed. 

 

One thing I can say is I ain't in a depression right now as usual but I'm on medication, a lot less than usual and it's better, just don't know how long this will last. It never lasts. But I'm back for awhile, I think that might last unless I get killed or something. Things had gotten so bad it's almost amazing it didn't happen. Be back soon, Simon Garth.  

Simon Says: Hi, it's been a bumpy ride for me lately. I relapsed again and just got out of the hospital again. They scared me a little, said I was going to die. Too much alcohol and too little oxygen in my blood. I had to lay in a hospital bed for three days wearing an oxygen mask thinking my life was over. Turned out in the end that I had chronic bronchitis and they were able to clear it up with antibiotics. I had an IV pop in both arms, huge ones. They were like big brass plumbing fittings and I ain't sure what they were pumping into me. All is well except my arms are a little sore. I actually look better right now than I have in a long time, must be the antibiotics. Actually I'm on two different kinds. I didn't eat anything while in the hospital and must've lost several lbs.
I decided to go back to AA and I just got home from from a meeting. All was going well until I witnessed a fist fight out in the street between two unknown black dudes. One guy got beat up so bad I thought I was witnessing a murder. This guy got knocked out and several people were trying to drag him off the street so he didn't get run over by a car. Not sure what his fate is, looked like he was barely alive. I had to catch a bus so I have know idea how bad off he was. Weird thing is that there were a bunch of young people around and they were all laughing, I couldn't see anything funny about any of it. In fact I found it quite disturbing. Sorry I haven't posted in awhile but I've been in a fairly deep depression for the last month or so. I still am but I figured I should try to keep this blog going. Hang in there, I'll be back, this story never ends.

Health Realization and The Three Principles

Simon Says:

Finally, Christmas is over and I survived sober. Just seemed like another day to me. Almost forgot it was Christmas but then remembered and called my mother like I always do on the holidays. My daughter also visited me yesterday from California which was a real treat since I haven't seen her in almost a year.


On the 23rd the books I ordered on the Three Principles arrived. I ordered “The Enlightened Gardener”, “The Enlightened Gardener Revisited” and “The Missing Link”, all written by Sydney Banks. I tried doing some research on the guy but couldn't come up with much. Sydney Banks died in 2009 and it's my understanding he was just an ordinary working class man that had a profound spiritual experience about 37 years ago and dedicated the rest of his life to spreading the word of his experience. Originally called Health Realization, at his request it is now referred to as The Three Principles. The Three Principles are: universal mind, universal consciousness, and universal thought. The concepts are supposed to be so simple that they can't be explained in words. Mr. Banks does the best he can by using metaphors. There are several books and DVD's for sale on the subject. The Three books I just read on the subject are clearly written but they left me pondering the real meanings. One thing for sure is that you should let your past go and get on with living today. The past is gone and no longer exists, don't let negative experiences of your past define who you are today and when the thoughts of your negative experiences of the past come along do your best to let them go and recognize that they are just thoughts, not your current reality. I know there is a lot more to this and I'm going to continue to research it until I'm satisfied. The concept is supposed to work on all forms of mental illness and addiction.

Sydney Banks On The Three Principles


Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

AA Alternative

Simon Says:
Today, uneventful to say the least. Walked down to the store to get some munchies and smokes and that's about it. I'm still in the throws of depression along with the anxiety attacks. I had to take a klonopin just to walk down to the store. I call this small waves within the big wave. I believe that in general I'm on an upswing in my mood but while riding the big wave there are smaller ups and downs along the way. Right now I'm in one of those smaller slumps. I'm desperately trying to avoid alcohol and situations where alcohol is in the picture. That makes me an isolator for now but my hope is to slowly regain my mental health and level off somewhere above the bar of depression and anxiety. If I end up leveling off below the bar I don't see my future as being very bright. My mission right now is to find an alternative to AA. I gave AA my all for around ten years and could never reach that point where I was happy or felt that feeling of joy that so many other long term sober people seem to achieve. That being my situation I sometimes find it a little aggravating trying to participate in AA activities and pretending I'm having a great time. Laughing and smiling a lot seem to be a required part of their program. There just seems to be something a little unnatural about the whole thing. My personal impression is there is a type of hysteria involved in AA groups and some people like me aren't affected by it. Those people that are inclined to jump on bandwagons end up fitting in just fine. I'm not saying it doesn't work, I'm saying it doesn't work for everyone and some people want it to work so badly they are willing to play along, hoping that eventually they will have that spiritual awakening and experience the happy, happy joy of sobriety. Fake it, 'til you make it, is their saying. That works for some people too. My Quest for the moment is to find a different solution, one that works for me.


I'm going to see a therapist in a couple weeks as condition of my commitment. You can go through a whole drawer full of therapists before you find one that works for you. Finding one that works for me isn't a condition of my commitment, only that I see one. This will be the second one since I was put on this stay of commitment. I'm nearing the end of it, I think maybe one month left. Then all I have to deal with is my probation. That was for two years, 18 months left. My plan is to stay sober from now on, no matter what it takes. That's what I'm saying right now but I also have to add the fact that when going through a prolonged anxiety attack all those resolutions can change. I just have to faith in my medication and therapy. I also have to have faith in my higher power which is an AA thing. Seems like I tend to waffle when it comes to my higher power but I do believe there's something to it.


One of my IDDT counselors suggested I check into a program called Health Realization or The Three Principles. I did some browsing around on the internet and decided to buy a couple of books on The Three Principles. They should get here in a few days.

AA, staying sober and possible alternatives

Simon Says:
Right now I'm one of those socially introverted people I was talking about in my last post. I'm from Eagan and I've made a couple of moves in the last couple of years. I've ended up in West St.Paul where I don't know anyone and I really don't know my way around much. I know Robert St. pretty well and I guess that's good enough. I go to the Downtown St.Paul Alano Club now and then for AA meetings but not enough to get to know anyone. I just ain’t into it anymore and I get a little tired of alcoholic’s that keep putting on the “happy, happy, joy, joy” act all the time. Then there are the alcoholic's that take the program way too seriously for me. Big book thumpers they're called and I think I talked about them in one of my earlier posts. AA has a thing called sponsorship and everyone in AA is supposed to get a sponsor. A sponsor is supposed to help you work through the twelve steps and be kind of a mentor as you go through all the lifestyle changes that come with sobriety. I've had sponsors and I've been a sponsor but now I'm rethinking the whole AA thing. I'm guessing I'm looking for something different, an alternative to AA. I've watched my latest sponsor transform from a pretty cool sober dude to a full fledged big book thumper and I'm not so sure I liked what I saw. His whole life revolves around AA and I just don't know if that's for me. In reality, I was headed down that road when I fell into my last relapse. I cant debunk it all the way though because it has kept my last sponsor sober and he seems to be happy with his life. This is a guy that was just as bad off as me and he's managed to stay sober for five years now. I still go to an occasional AA meeting with him and we still get along pretty well, I'm just not sure if AA will work for me as well as it has for him.


I'm seriously considering alternatives to AA. There are a few but I've never really looked into them. A little research on the internet will turn up quite a few. The one I'm thinking about checking into is called Health Realization or the Three Principles. I don't know enough about this program to make any comments on it but my intention is to find a local group and try it out. When I do I'll be reporting on my experience. I have to go to a weekly IDDT (Integrated Dual Disorder Treatment) group as a condition of my commitment. It was one of my counselors in that group that suggested I check into the Health realization program. I have done some reading about it and apparently it has a better track record than AA. My personal belief is that AA's track record isn't very good at all. It's supposed to be a program of honesty and spirituality. I once was at an AA meeting where a guy who had claimed 25 years of sobriety finally fessed up to smoking marijuana the whole time. This particular group had what they call a group conscious vote and voted to let him maintain his status of being sober for 25 years. I've got nothing against weed but it makes me wonder how many others in AA are being less than honest about their sobriety. Technically in AA you're not allowed to substitute another drug to replace alcohol and still claim to be sober. That's where that term cross addiction comes in and I know a lot about that. I was one who voted to let him keep his 25 year claim to sobriety because in my opinion weed pales in comparison to the adverse affects of alcohol. I do know that weed raises hell with your lungs though, I have a couple of friends that have lung problems after very long term use of marijuana. I used to smoke the shit a lot but after awhile it would trigger panic attacks every time I smoked it. The only time I could smoke it was if I had plenty of alcohol to stave off the panic attacks.


Today was pretty boring for me, didn't do much but since I've been trying to stay sober that's been par for the course. I did have to go see my probation officer today and that sucks ass. I've got to take a cab there every month because the bus just isn't an option. I have to go to the court house for these meetings and it's pretty much the same thing every time. He just wants to know if my status has changed and whether or not I've been staying sober. Oh, and I have to report any contact I might have had with the police. I think we could do these meetings over the phone but he wants to eyeball me to see if I might be lying.

Getting Sober

Simon Says:
I've been living here for about three months now, two of them sober. It isn't easy getting used to living sober and alone. It's quite a shock to my mind and body. For me to get my life back I'm going to have to walk the straight and narrow line of sobriety. I believe it's true what they say about alcoholism and addiction they are both progressive diseases. I've reached the point where I just can't use anymore. When I do I might feel good for a short time but then I get sick and the only cure is to use some more. That will go on until I need to be hospitalized to detox. Well we all know how it goes.


Meanwhile, as a condition of my commitment I have an assigned social worker and an ARMHS (Adult Rehabilitative Mental Health Services) worker. Also I'm on probation for two years and along with that comes a probation officer. They've got me by the short hairs. I've got close to $3000 in fines for the DWI and other charges. It's going to be awhile before I get my fines paid off so I can get my drivers license back. When I was living with all my using friends I could always get rides to the store and shit, but now I have to rely on buses and cabs. It's a complete change in lifestyle I'm going through. At times I want to go back to the way I was living but to do that would be suicide. I don't want to end up homeless and sleeping at Dorthy Day's. So I'm complying and staying sober. The hardest part of staying sober for me is dealing with my mental illness. I've been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder. I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior but it's my diagnosis which makes me gravitate towards drugs and alcohol as a way of self medicating. There are medications for anxiety but once you've been diagnosed as chemically dependent it can be very difficult to find a psychiatrist that will prescribe anti anxiety medication. The only thing that works is a medication called benzodiazepines. Benzodiazepines are considered addictive and psychiatrists are extremely reluctant to prescribe them to anyone with an addictive personality. I'm sure I've written about this before but it's a real pet peeve of mine. I believe that most alcoholics suffer from anxiety disorders and for some reason medical protocol dictates that alcoholics not be medicated for anxiety disorder. You can find psychiatrists that agree with me but you have to be persistent in your search for one. No matter how hard it is you have to remain sober for awhile before you try to get medication for your anxiety. Benzo's are what they use to detox people off of alcohol. Usually ativan or valium. These medications are used during detox to help prevent the patient from having seizures. The other two most common benzo's are xanax and klonopin. There are several others but these are the most common. I'm taking 1.5mg's of klonopin every day and I just recently was able to convince a psychiatrist to prescribe them to me. I had two years of sobriety before my last relapse and at the time I was taking 2mg's of klonopin every day. I had no problem's staying sober but for one reason or another I stopped taking the klonopin and I gradually slipped into a full blown relapse that lasted for a year and a half. Now I'm back on my medication and I'm gradually starting to feel better again. I also am taking celexa for depression and another anti anxiety drug called buspar. I don't really think the buspar helps much but I'm afraid to stop taking it to find out. Buspar is one I've never taken before but it was prescribed to me by the psychiatrist at Regions as an alternative to benzo's. The only thing that really works for sure are the benzodiazepines. If you or someone you know can't stop drinking have them read this. Then do some research on anxiety disorders to see if anxiety isn't your real problem. Alcohol is a symptom of and a way of self medicating anxiety. You have to realize though that if you do quit drinking a lot of other things in your life will change too.


If you've been drinking for a long time I'm sure your whole lifestyle has revolved around drinking alcohol. All your social activities probably involve alcohol. People with anxiety disorder need alcohol to be sociable. I guess there are people that drink alcohol in social situations that don't need it. They can take it or leave it and these are the people that probably don't have anxiety issues. But if you're the type that always has to have a few drinks to feel comfortable then you probably have social anxiety which I think is the most difficult because as you get older you will need more and more alcohol to feel comfortable in social situations. After awhile you will drink too much and do and say things you will regret. Then the line between just feeling comfortable and total intoxication becomes thinner and unpredictable. For me too much alcohol would actuate a complete personality change. When I would sober up I would have anxiety attacks as I would revert back to my old personality. I couldn't believe some of the things I'd done and said while drinking and that would just feed my anxiety even more. Of course the easy cure for this anxiety is alcohol. I've taken this cycle to the extremes and always ended up needing to be detoxed in hospitals. I guess what I'm doing right now is what AA'rs call white knuckling it. I've been sober now for 67 days without the help of AA. I've been to a couple of AA meetings but that's it. I've been involved with AA for at least ten years and obviously it hasn't been working for me. I've seen it work for some but I guess everyone is different. I've seen people put their complete faith in the AA program and carry their big books around like bibles. There's a lot of good things in the 12 steps of AA but I believe that the issue of anxiety needs to be addressed for some people and I'm one of those people.


The lifestyle changes that come with sobriety aren't easy. All your friends use alcohol or drugs and it will feel awkward trying to hang out with them sober. I guaranty it, at first you will be able to continue living the way you're used to, going to parties and outings with your old friends and they'll be cool about you're not drinking or using. If your sobriety lasts you'll find that gradually your old friends will feel uncomfortable hanging out with you. Maybe the only thing you had in common was getting drunk or high together. In the beginning no one will think your sobriety will last and they will go along with it. Slowly things will change and that's one of the reasons it's so difficult to stay sober for long. Well for a lot of sober people that's where AA comes in. You will have to start hanging out with other people trying to stay sober and that's where the fellowship of AA can come into play. Hanging out with sober people just ain't the same. If you haven't done anything about your anxiety issues your just not going to have a great time going to sober picnics, sober parties etc. It's just not the same as when everyone is getting buzzed and having a good time. It's not easy to feel loose at a sober party if you have social anxieties. You just must deal with your anxieties any way you can. Whether it be counseling, medication, or both. You should also find an AA group that you like and attend the meetings on a regular basis so that you get comfortable being around the group. Then when they have fellowship activities you can have a good time without getting buzzed up. I don't believe in the 12 steps so much but I'll play along as I work on my sobriety. It's OK, because as they say in AA, everyone works their own program, take what works and leave the rest. Maybe for you the 12 steps will be enough, but for me I tried it and it didn't work.


There is another way and plenty of people have taken this route. Sober up, do nothing about your social anxieties and become a social introvert. I believe there are many people like this. They just stop drinking or using drugs, go to work every day and don't participate in any social activities. A kind of isolated life. At work they usually are quiet, do their job and go home at the end of the day. They may have families that keep them busy but they don't do much else. If they are happy then more power to them. But there are those who take this route that don't have families to keep them busy, maybe they are divorced or just single. Maybe they are retired and don't have jobs. They stay sober but aren't happy. There may be mental health issues. I don't believe this kind of sobriety is very healthy. We all need social contact and activities to stay healthy. I believe there are many alcoholics living in this kind of isolation and you don't want to be one of them. I will be talking more about this in later postes.