More

I'm bored. I've been watching a lot of tv lately, not really my thing but I've been hang'n out doing nothing. One thing I don't understand is the amount of violence which is allowed. This kinda thing always bothered me but I never questioned it, just accepted it. It is strange, maybe it's just me. The government and a lot of law abiding, church going folks seem to think it's ok. I guess the only time I found it bothersome is when watching something pretty sick with my daughter when she was about 6 or 7. That's when it dawned on me that a lot of the violence on tv is actually sick. I guess what we watch on tv is testimonial to how sick humans are. We are probably the sickest animals on the planet. I've met people who object to referring to human beings as animals? I don't know right from wrong anymore. I went to an AA meeting this morning with this new idea in my head that I was going to start really working the program. So I got in the car and drove up the street to the Midway AA meeting. I've never been to this one when I got there I just sat in my car for awhile and left. Not sure why i didn't go in, in fact I have no idea why. I saw this one on the AA website and realized its just up the road. I might try it again. I know I suffer from an antisocial dissease, but I take medication for that. I don't think it's been working lately.

train wreck

I once read this book "dianetics" . I believe they are on to something. I can't believe all of it, but some of it seems to make sense. One thing in particular came to my mind while I was at the Dakota Alano AA meeting tonight. The fact that most of us can not consciously control our minds reaction to different situations. The subconscious mind had more control. In my case I don't know why I have more than normal levels of anxiety when addressing groups. It would be easier for me to understand if it was a constant and predictable, but for me it's not. Sometimes I'm completely at ease and sometimes I'm fighting myself to express my point of view. Tonight was one of those days, my voice started quivering and my mind went blank? I don't get it, I may never. Scientology has an explanation for this type of thing, just can't remember the cure. Maybe someone could help me with this. Funny thing about it is I remember recognizing this in others and not understanding how anyone could be that uptight, now I have it and can't figure out how to get rid of it. I think I'm going to use AA meetings as kind of a practice arena for public speaking. The eerie part of this situation is I wasn't always like this and I can remember when I was so different than I am now. I kinda think my experience here is akin to the experience stroke victims describe. Maybe I had a mini stroke or many tiny strokes that changed my personality involuntarily and I just can't seem to reverse the damage. Now the way I think and the way I behave are out of synchronization and the result is complete frustration and hence the anxiety and anxiety attacks? Hmmm. Anyway, the girls I was talking about earlier didn't show up at the meeting, however; there was a couple of women there. One was a woman around my age and she was my kind I think. I really need to start working on the social life now that I'm sober. Not 100% sober, I'll never be, but what I've accomplished is nothing short of miraculous. I'll be going to another AA meeting tomorrow morning, I'll be filing a report tomorrow afternoon.

ok, quickie

Had dinner, actually cooked. Not bad, but I ate too many pickles. I can see how food can become a problem. When I'm drinking, food is not an option. I don't know why, but food does interfere with the metabolism of alcohol. When I'm on a binge, I avoid food because it makes me feel like I'm withdrawing from my buzz, and it just doesn't work for me. After a few days like that, I begin to take notice that I haven't eaten and that's a reason to drink some more until I'm so far gone i don't know if I'll make it. Somehow I always pull through though. I don't wanna go there again, it can be a nightmare. The time before last, I ended up in the hospital ICU for five days, my vitals indicated possible death. Wow, I'm just remrmbering that trip, hallucinations, monsters and the whole nine yards. I lived, barely, anyway from there straight to treatment again, broken record. I'm going to drag my ass into a meeting tonight! I like to go to this one in Eagan, there are a couple of women that go there and they are so pretty they make me feel kinda gloomy in a way. When I'm around that kind of beauty it kinda depresses me, it's just the thought that I wanna be closer to it but know that will never happen. There was a day in the distant past when I was blessed with something that I've never been able to get back. Can't seem to put my finger on what it was, but I remember it as like magic. Then the magic turned into something ugly and it still makes me a little emotional. Well, I gotta get going if I'm going to make it to AA. I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of weeks and feel i better be careful. I actually had the strangest thought today that maybe I could become a social drinker now that I don't have creditors hounding my every move. Hmmm... I'll have to give that some more thought later. I'll be back tonight.

hmmm............

Ok, I'm back, ventured out to do a few things. I'm starting a new job monday, looking forward to it. I don't know where I am on this ride, but I have a future in mind. I can now say I've been officially homeless, officially. So how many of us can add that to our resume? I've also lived with a fair amount of money, let's just say in a period of two years I managed to spend over 200G's. I just finalized a chapter 7 bankruptcy and am living in a house full of addicts. The fact that I'm finally out from under that smothering cloud of debt is just starting to dawn on me. I've been living this hell for 18 months and it has actually become so entrenched that I just can't believe I've been given a fresh start, financially. Now what? I've been fighting the urge to completely inebriate myself so I wouldn't have to worry about anything and now, here I am with nothing to worry about.I wonder if I had anything to do with it? Man what a ride it's been! This ride started way before I lost my job and ended up divorced. That's over five years ago. I went from a simple family man living in the suburbs of St.Paul raising my daughter and working my ass off to the twilight zone. I'm still there. I guess I was destined for this, but if someone would've told me seven years ago my life would go this way, I would have laughed at them. Ah, but here I am, and looking back I'm glad I went on this ride I'm still on. It ain't over yet. I'm really not sure what happened. You know it just might be what they refer to as a mid life crises, I don't know, but I do know I was living a life I wasn't happy with. I've gotta be honest here, no one reads this blog but me, so I want to be honest with myself. Under the surface, I'm really angry and pissed. I'm so full of anger and hate I'm surprised I haven't erupted into flames. I have to admit I'm a little proud of that fact. I guess I just wasn't born with the go along, get along, happy, happy, joy, joy personality of the many. My hat's off to them. I know I'm not the only one who's had adversity in his life and I really don't give a fat, flying fuck. I don't care what others have done or how others have handled different situations; it just doesn't matter, so don't go trying to compare my situation with anyone else's. It is what it is. I feel that's the problem with me sometimes, always looking around, searching for clues on how I should behave in certain situations; how I should react to certain stimuli? Well, this is how most of us live and I'm sick of it, even though I realize there is no escaping from what is. As the saying goes, "no man is an island unto himself", which is so true even though I don't like it, it is the truth. So, just as there are laws of physics which govern the physical world, there are laws of social interaction which govern society. It's not the physical world which this thought is concerned. What I'm attenpting to do here is put a thought down in writing so it can be expressed. This is how I think, and when I try to verbalize thoughts like these I seems to be out of touch with mainstream society and way over the top, because not many care to think about this stuff, and it seems to be all I think about? Therefore, I feel the repulsion which I generate and the emotional consequences I have no choice but suffer. There, put that in your bong and smoke it.

hmmm............

How bizarre. Are we living in hell? Once a long time ago, I was in a car accident. Two people died, three survived. It's amazing how fast shit can happen. Anyway, it was the pain......ouch. Damn that hurt. They thought I was dead, pried me out of the wreckage last because there was no hope that I was alive. Well, I can't explain it but here I am. There was another time, I almost bought the farm while working as a farm hand on a farm. Long story, but I was almost crushed between a hay wagon and the barn. Well I know this may be hard to believe, but I've come close several times. I don't get it, is it just dumb luck? Or does god have a reason? Most of us don't give much thought to how fragile our bodies are, let alone our minds. There's more, but I can't tell all. The thing is, I'm still here and many have passed on. How many people die every day? Why are we so afraid to live? I guess I mean, "why am I so afraid"? I could have died many times and on an intellectual level I shouldn't be afraid of little things.What does it matter what other people think? When I die, I'm leaving them all behind anyway.

hmmm

Well, you've gotta be careful what you leave laying around the Internet, it can come around to haunt you. I don't wanna start freak'n out, but then again I never do. Here's a thought I was having today. While watching tv it occurred to me that a lot of people, maybe even just about all people are unaware of reality. I was thinking that if we were all privy to reality we would end it and that's why I have moments when I just freak. And I can't explain it to anyone, because it's just so far away. Ha, the ramblings of insanity. Maybe it's the insane that can see, not being blinded by ego. Ego is what keeps us small and out of trouble. The egotistical are much to preoccupied to slip into reality and catch even glimpses. They are protected in a way, shielded from thoughts that they wouldn't be able to handle. Be careful what you pray for.

More sobriety

Well, I think there is a problem with google's blogger. I can't seem to figure out how to upload pictures. I follow the directions but they don't seem to jive. I'll figure it out given enough time. Tomorrow all my efforts are going to pay off, I have a job interview. Back to work soon! I guess I've been on a recovery hiatus. My last relapse was quite a trip. Had a mini intervention pulled on me last August and mine wasn't quite as sweet as the ones you see on TV. I was going to go to the hospital or to a shelter, these were the options I was given. I opted for the hospital can't remember precise details, but I was admitted into the ER and then from there upstairs to Lodging Plus. That's Fairview Riverside's substance abuse inpatient treatment program, I guess insurance companies have been able to cut treatment programs back to 21 days rather than the old 28 day programs. Fairview Riverside is a nice place to go through treatment, good food and freedom. I liked it there. Something about it made staying sober pretty easy and I guess it's kind comforting in some way. I was in Mark and Judy's group along with about seven other guys. I's a place where you get to cry on other peoples shoulders and hear others with the same basic stories. I liked the fact that there were female addicts in the same program, I like being around girls, always have, but the older I get the fewer women I get to socialize with? The truth is, most of us are fucked up. I've been in substance abuse treatment programs five times, not really my choice, I just get pushed in.I need a little break, I'll be back in a few!

A few details

Today sucked. Just one of those days, like most days. I've been trying to figure out how to post a pic ij my profile and well, no luck. Oh well, I'll get it one of these days. I want to post pics and vids, but this stuff takes a lot of time. I'm going to keep this post short so I can get back to the picture post puzzle. I am looking for some help in starting this new group I've been talking about, just think you could be one of the founders of a new society! Just email me or post a comment to the blog and we'll figure it out together.

OK, now I'm serious

I know nothing about blogging. I was just messing around on Google one day and stumbled upon this blogger thing. I put together a few posts just to see where it would lead me and here I am. My interest in it has grown. I just spent the last three hours reading up on blogging and the more I read, the more I learn. I'm going to try to keep this going for awhile and see where it leads me next. If nothing else, I'll know a little about blogging. Who knows what this blogging thing will end up evolving into. I just read an article that advises people to keep their posts short and to the point. Well, that's usually my style when it comes to verbal communication, but I love to write. So please bear with my ramblings as I assure you there will be some gold amongst the scrap iron.
Here is my situation, I'm a drug using alcoholic, not just a recreational user but an over the top binger. My goal is to become a recreational user. I wanna be like everyone else, not some tea toat'n enigma that only associates with others in a secret society. I wanna find a new way. I believe we live in a world that is in a state of constant change. The changes to our society have been happening at a mind boggling rate over the last 50 years. I believe we have to go with the flo in this case and change along with our environment. It's survival of the fittest and the fittest are those with the greatest ability to adapt. AA was a great start and my hat's off to Bill W. and DR. Bob, however; I think it's time for some changes to the program. I know AA will never change so I guess what I'm proposing is a new organization. One that is a little flexible and better suited for todays faster paced society. Things are different today than they were 60 years ago, way different. AA isn't working for me and I have a new idea, stay tuned.

OK, I'm back

Hmm...well, I've been a little preoccupied the last couple of days, so I have been neglecting this thing. You know, looking for work and trying to repair my computers, I got hit with something that really is eating my laptop up and it's also infected this computer which is my desktop. I guess it keeps me busy trying to figure it out, almost like playing a game, I win whenever I discover something and am able to repair it. Only, I feel like I'm spending way too much time with it. I've been warned about cross addiction but this is a better addiction than the one I'm trying to kick. I was thinking about something this afternoon and well, I've had this thought many times in the past but never considered actually trying it. I've been attending AA for a few years now and I gotta admit something. AA meetings that I've been going to aren't working for me. You know, it might be it's because I'm not working the program hard enough; that's what I always hear anyway, but I think there's more to it. The old traditional AA program just isn't my style, at least I haven't found a meeting that fits me yet. I'm happy that so many people have found what they need in AA, but I know a lot of people haven't found it in AA. I'd like to start a new program, one for those of us that aren't quite making it through Bill W's model. I certainly do believe in the group part, we just can't do it alone. The problem I'm having is I just don't see any of the AA groups as really a group. Oh sure it's a group of people in a room, but I see it as a group of "individual people" in the same room? Hmm, I'm not sure I'm saying it right, but let me try to explain myself. Well, let me see, you know I mean ever been to some of the larger meetings? I used to go to one in Falls Church, VA where there were very big groups. I always went there and just sat and listened for an hour, held hands at the end and recited the serenity prayer or depending on the group it might be the lords prayer. Then the meeting was over and everyone went their separate ways. I just don't get it. To be honest, those meetings didn't do anything for me. I've relapsed over and over and listened to others confess their slips many times. So here I end up trying to figure it out. I once voiced one of my theories in an outpatient treatment program I was in and it didn't go over too well. My opinion at the time was that alcoholics and addicts are going to use, no matter what, the relapse is going to happen. We've all heard of the people that have accomplished long term sobriety and then one day for some unknown reason they end up UI again. So I said hey, why is it so imperative that we maintain total abstinence? Like the old analogy goes, if you keep turning up the heat the pot is going to boil over. I don't know, it was just a thought, an occasional controlled slip, one where you are in a safe environment and you can't hurt anyone or be hurt, just to get it out of your system, and then back to abstinence 'till the next controlled release? I just think it would be a much healthier way to deal with this disease. Safe for everyone, no jumping in the car or sneaking around anywhere where you can cause problems. The rest of the time, between release parties or whatever you wanna call it, there is no drinking or using. I really think this would work for some of us that don't exactly fit the standard AA model. And I would come up with a little different set of traditions and steps. We could have regular meetings, contributions to the group would go towards the release sessions, that once a month party ore whatever, biannual even would give us something to look forward to and in the meantime we could be honest productive members of the mainstream society. We would just all know that at some point there would be a bash where we could all get together and cut lose. I haven't worked all the bugs out of this yet, but I'm working on it. I am sober also, I've been sober for a little while now and I don't think everyone will go for this concept, but I know some will.

more shit

OK, so if anyone ever stumbles on this blog I want it to be informative, why not. I'm an addict and I just took 30Mg's of remeron, an anti depressant that's supposed to help me sleep. I know it works a little, but it doesn't put me out completely and I can stay awake forever even with the remeron. I'll be going to sleep soon though, I'm going to go out and apply for a job tomorrow. When I get up in the late morning first thing I do is take four 20mg Prozacs and two 150mg effexors. More antidepressant med, and that's a little heavy dosage wise. I don't like having to take the stuff but I made some promises to some people and I'm going to do what I said for a change. You see these anti-depressants are supposed to relieve me of my craving for alcohol and whatever else I can get my hands on. I don't know how it's working although I have been sober for almost a month. My last relapse wasn't very pretty, December 10, 2006-December 14. I started out with no intention of drinking and someone handed me a crack pipe. Four days later I wake up in my car in some parking lot. I'm out of money, it's raining and cold and my battery is dead. The back seat is littered with vodka and Listerine bottles and I'm not feeling too well. Hmm.....I've gad much worse awakenings so I'm pretty casual about it. I've been sober since that day and trying not to wake up like that again anytime soon. That's why I'm always trying to figure this addiction crap out, only I have to take the ant-depressants because without them I don't seem to make it very far between binges. My plan right now is to not drink like that ever again but, I've had plans like that many times. From now on there's only one occasion where I'm going to allow myself to drink and that's drink in moderation. Gonna crash, mirtazapine is kick'n.

more from dave

OK, what a bunch of shit. I have two computers and they're both infected with something and I'm too broke to get a decent virus/spyware program. Is it dark in here or is it just me? I need to be getting out looking for a job. My tax return is delayed for two weeks. I need to just mellow out and accept things as they are. I know I can't change anything already in the pipeline, but my actions today set the stage for tomorrow and it's hard to make the right moves today when yesterdays consequences are closing in on your ass. I was thinking today how AA meetings should be a forum where we leave all our pretentious facades outside but I'm getting the feeling that I'm having a hard time finding a real AA MEETING. I'd like to find one where people didn't shy away from reality. The happy, happy, joy, joy thing is turning me off. I mean come on, the truth is really simple. Us addicts aren't happy with the way we feel when we're sober, and if being sober is as good as it gets life sucks ass. Why can't we feel just a little better when we're sober? I mean you see people that seem to be loving life and enjoying every minute, these are the people that can have one or two alcoholic beverages and then switch over to soda pop. In fact these kind of people would rather not have any alcohol at all because it ruins their natural high. Alcoholic/addicts on the other hand exist a little lower on the happy scale and aren't having a good time and naturally feel like they wish they didn't have to be here for so long because life sucks ass. So when we have a drink we feel better and just don't wanna go back to that shitty sober feeling. Alcoholics and addicts aren't on a natural high like some normal people and sobriety for us is definitely a challenge. OK, so hears the key to sobriety for addicts, we just have to find a way to enjoy life when not under the influence. This I believe is all there is to it. I have my problems with the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous even though I practice them I'm always trying to find the real answer and there you have it, the real scoop on addiction.

Emergency House Meeting

That's right, we had an emergency meeting last night. One of the guys in the house had his son staying here. The kid is like 19 and has addiction problems of his own. Anyway, the kid stole one of the other guys car Monday night. On Sunday this guy, I'll call him Ed, loses his car keys and he suspects the kid of taking them. So, Ed doesn't say anything to the kid but removes the coil wire from the engine so it won't start. On Monday night Ed doesn't feel like hassling with the coil wire so he leaves it in and on Tuesday morning his car is gone. The cops call Ed around noon to tell him they found his car in Eagan. It was in an accident and is not drivable. The cops have the kid in jail. Meanwhile another guy, Joe, notices his TV missing and Ed says he thought he saw Clyde and his kid carry something out of the house on Sunday. The TV was found later and Clyde was cleared of any suspicion. The meeting was called to kick Clyde out of the house, but because the TV was found we let him stay but he has to pay Ed for the car his son stole. This place is turning out to be like a TV reality show. I just wanted to get this up, more later.

First Post

My first blog post. Yeehaaa...an addicts blog, it's about time. I'm guessing that what I write here will be interesting to very few people. Ain't that a shame. What I have is a gift I want to share, it's called awareness. I like to talk about things that most people don't want to hear or think about. This will be my outlet, I've been trying to express some of my thoughts in groups designed for that purpose and I've made an important discovery; I'm a little over the top. The top being social norms most of us have been programmed into believing. Hm mm, is that possible? Oh well, this is my place and here it is possible. OK, I'm an alcoholic/addict as the label seems to be. I don't get it, but then again I guess I do. Addiction is addiction alcohol, crack, meth, food, sex, or work it's all addiction. Obsession is obsession. Been trying to figure this thing out and at times I believe I have. I live in St.Paul, MN 55104. I've been living here for three weeks now. I'm just emerging from the depths of anxiety and depression, I think. Anyway I feel better now than I did two weeks ago. You see I got my hands on a bottle of Xanax and then ran out. Yeehaaa, what a ride. I survived once again. Don't think I can handle that too many more times. OK, so I go to AA a lot and have been going to AA meetings for a few years now, even though I can't seem to live long term sobriety. My rational Say's; intermittent sobriety is better for everyone when the only other option is "leaving las Vegas". So, anyway I've been going to this AA meeting in St.Paul called "uptown" ; ring a bell? I have to admit I went there kinda messed up a couple times so I've been giving it a break, let the dust settle. Oh, I live in what is called a "sober house", there are six of us addicts in this big house. We're supposed to kinda watch out for each other and if anyone relapses and gets caught, they will have to move out. Interesting, this is my first SH, oh that's not right, I forgot about the one I got kicked out of, that's when I got ahold of that bottle of Xanax. Benzodiazepine. Well, I plan on working this blog and making it work. I wanna learn this blogging thing, I mean if you watch the news or anything on TV, you would think everyone was blogging and I don't wanna be left behind.