hmmm............

Ok, I'm back, ventured out to do a few things. I'm starting a new job monday, looking forward to it. I don't know where I am on this ride, but I have a future in mind. I can now say I've been officially homeless, officially. So how many of us can add that to our resume? I've also lived with a fair amount of money, let's just say in a period of two years I managed to spend over 200G's. I just finalized a chapter 7 bankruptcy and am living in a house full of addicts. The fact that I'm finally out from under that smothering cloud of debt is just starting to dawn on me. I've been living this hell for 18 months and it has actually become so entrenched that I just can't believe I've been given a fresh start, financially. Now what? I've been fighting the urge to completely inebriate myself so I wouldn't have to worry about anything and now, here I am with nothing to worry about.I wonder if I had anything to do with it? Man what a ride it's been! This ride started way before I lost my job and ended up divorced. That's over five years ago. I went from a simple family man living in the suburbs of St.Paul raising my daughter and working my ass off to the twilight zone. I'm still there. I guess I was destined for this, but if someone would've told me seven years ago my life would go this way, I would have laughed at them. Ah, but here I am, and looking back I'm glad I went on this ride I'm still on. It ain't over yet. I'm really not sure what happened. You know it just might be what they refer to as a mid life crises, I don't know, but I do know I was living a life I wasn't happy with. I've gotta be honest here, no one reads this blog but me, so I want to be honest with myself. Under the surface, I'm really angry and pissed. I'm so full of anger and hate I'm surprised I haven't erupted into flames. I have to admit I'm a little proud of that fact. I guess I just wasn't born with the go along, get along, happy, happy, joy, joy personality of the many. My hat's off to them. I know I'm not the only one who's had adversity in his life and I really don't give a fat, flying fuck. I don't care what others have done or how others have handled different situations; it just doesn't matter, so don't go trying to compare my situation with anyone else's. It is what it is. I feel that's the problem with me sometimes, always looking around, searching for clues on how I should behave in certain situations; how I should react to certain stimuli? Well, this is how most of us live and I'm sick of it, even though I realize there is no escaping from what is. As the saying goes, "no man is an island unto himself", which is so true even though I don't like it, it is the truth. So, just as there are laws of physics which govern the physical world, there are laws of social interaction which govern society. It's not the physical world which this thought is concerned. What I'm attenpting to do here is put a thought down in writing so it can be expressed. This is how I think, and when I try to verbalize thoughts like these I seems to be out of touch with mainstream society and way over the top, because not many care to think about this stuff, and it seems to be all I think about? Therefore, I feel the repulsion which I generate and the emotional consequences I have no choice but suffer. There, put that in your bong and smoke it.