ok, quickie

Had dinner, actually cooked. Not bad, but I ate too many pickles. I can see how food can become a problem. When I'm drinking, food is not an option. I don't know why, but food does interfere with the metabolism of alcohol. When I'm on a binge, I avoid food because it makes me feel like I'm withdrawing from my buzz, and it just doesn't work for me. After a few days like that, I begin to take notice that I haven't eaten and that's a reason to drink some more until I'm so far gone i don't know if I'll make it. Somehow I always pull through though. I don't wanna go there again, it can be a nightmare. The time before last, I ended up in the hospital ICU for five days, my vitals indicated possible death. Wow, I'm just remrmbering that trip, hallucinations, monsters and the whole nine yards. I lived, barely, anyway from there straight to treatment again, broken record. I'm going to drag my ass into a meeting tonight! I like to go to this one in Eagan, there are a couple of women that go there and they are so pretty they make me feel kinda gloomy in a way. When I'm around that kind of beauty it kinda depresses me, it's just the thought that I wanna be closer to it but know that will never happen. There was a day in the distant past when I was blessed with something that I've never been able to get back. Can't seem to put my finger on what it was, but I remember it as like magic. Then the magic turned into something ugly and it still makes me a little emotional. Well, I gotta get going if I'm going to make it to AA. I haven't been to a meeting in a couple of weeks and feel i better be careful. I actually had the strangest thought today that maybe I could become a social drinker now that I don't have creditors hounding my every move. Hmmm... I'll have to give that some more thought later. I'll be back tonight.