train wreck

I once read this book "dianetics" . I believe they are on to something. I can't believe all of it, but some of it seems to make sense. One thing in particular came to my mind while I was at the Dakota Alano AA meeting tonight. The fact that most of us can not consciously control our minds reaction to different situations. The subconscious mind had more control. In my case I don't know why I have more than normal levels of anxiety when addressing groups. It would be easier for me to understand if it was a constant and predictable, but for me it's not. Sometimes I'm completely at ease and sometimes I'm fighting myself to express my point of view. Tonight was one of those days, my voice started quivering and my mind went blank? I don't get it, I may never. Scientology has an explanation for this type of thing, just can't remember the cure. Maybe someone could help me with this. Funny thing about it is I remember recognizing this in others and not understanding how anyone could be that uptight, now I have it and can't figure out how to get rid of it. I think I'm going to use AA meetings as kind of a practice arena for public speaking. The eerie part of this situation is I wasn't always like this and I can remember when I was so different than I am now. I kinda think my experience here is akin to the experience stroke victims describe. Maybe I had a mini stroke or many tiny strokes that changed my personality involuntarily and I just can't seem to reverse the damage. Now the way I think and the way I behave are out of synchronization and the result is complete frustration and hence the anxiety and anxiety attacks? Hmmm. Anyway, the girls I was talking about earlier didn't show up at the meeting, however; there was a couple of women there. One was a woman around my age and she was my kind I think. I really need to start working on the social life now that I'm sober. Not 100% sober, I'll never be, but what I've accomplished is nothing short of miraculous. I'll be going to another AA meeting tomorrow morning, I'll be filing a report tomorrow afternoon.