New Plan

Alright, I'm through fuck'n around. I've been going to AA long enough to have figured out something. As you know, figuring shit out is what I do. I'm gonna use AA as my grand stand. Tonight I went to a speaker meeting at the Midway Club and I've gotta say it was the best speaker meeting I've attended. Hmmm, there are twelve steps, that's enough topic material in fact more than enough. I know something that we all know, only difference between us is that I recognize it for what it is. I know I talk like a mad man, and that's because I am a mad man. The longer I stay sober the farther down this road I go. My mind has been held in check since the first time I introduced a mood altering chemical into it, that's when I was 12. Anyway the funny thing is that when I read something I tend to retain bits and pieces of what I had no idea, and now I'm beginning to see and it's the thing I've always been trying to figure out. I know this part doesn't make any sense but just bear with me. I want to be a speaker at AA meetings. I wanna be the best, I wanna be nationwide. I have a plan, and it's so simple. I've overcome my fear of public speaking now, and I'm sure it's the result of all these meds I'm taking, but I can talk and I can all of a sudden talk well. I've attended so many speaker meetings I can say I'm an expert on the subject. It's perfect. I've had the pleasure of listening to several AA speakers more than once and it's been a blessing. Hell, I wanna be international, I don't know why but that's what I'm feeling right now. I know I can put it together. I must also say that there is something very spiritual about the Midway Club, messages get passed through there that? I can't get enough. I now think I know why god has delivered me to this place and I'm gonna go with it, I have no choice. Look out!

Real Stuff

Hello fellow addicts, I went to another meeting tonight as usual. The Midway Club in St.Paul, MN 55104. It was OK, I think maybe I get a little carried away when I share but that's better than I was for so many years. I never used to share at all, I wasn't getting it. Now I'm getting it a little, you have to share if you want to be part of the program. You've got to open up and let people know who and what you are. Tomorrow morning I have a job interview way up in North, well 40 miles, I don't wanna have to move, so maybe they won't hire me. Anyway, the woman that got my attention bowling the other night was there tonight, I didn't talk with her but we both shared so I know a little more about her now and vice versa. I don't know if it's my imagination but I get the feeling a few of the young aa groupie girls are begging for us older guys to give them some attention. I'm not having any problem with that, I'm not very good at hiding the fact that I can't keep my eyes off 'em. I think I'm going to get a sponsor soon, can't be a real participant without working the program. Anyway this job I'm going for tomorrow is a good one, or I wouldn't even be going up there. pay is around $20/hr and it's a union job. I also have a interview in Plymouth, and I'm curious about the supervisor out there, supposed to know me? Well, in aa I shared the fact that I've been lacking enthusiasm for life, the topic was gratitude, I said I thought that I had plenty of gratitude just getting tired of the never ending merry go round.

continued ranting

Clock screen saver is pretty cool. I think I figured out what I'm doing here. I just felt compelled to start this blog and I think I just need to get these thoughts out of my head, they tell me it isn't healthy to keep to much trapped inside the bone ball. I'm not much of a talker so at least I'm venting. I imagine this blog as a place to record my thoughts which have value because they've been formed by many years of unique environmental stimuli. I use the term unique because there does not exist another person, place or thing that has had the exact same environmental input. We truly are products of our environment and the only explanation i can conceive is what I call my higher power. It just doesn't seem right to just carry our thoughts with us to the grave and let them be converted back into dust. It just seems like there must've been a lot of effort exerted to create us which is a miracle. That we could be created out of dust? Are we sure that we are the most advanced biological creature on earths evolutionary scale? It does seem that way because we have the most advanced ability to communicate and use tools and we know of no other entity with similar capabilities. There must be more evolving to go, because the process must continue until we become gods and even gods must be evolving into even greater or more powerful gods and on to eternity? i saw a documentary on a theoretical physicist named Stephen Hawking. Hawking is a genius like Einstein was and he has devoted his entire life to answering the big questions. He says that the gravitational pull of a black hole is so powerful that even information is sucked into it? Do we really have the capability to understand things of that magnitude? It's hard enough to even contemplate the concept of a black hole let alone the theory that information can't even escape.

Feelings

Topic of the day. Scatterbrained, wishy washy, insecure, homeless, lost, afraid and lonely. There, that's kinda what I'm feeling; not to mention sick and tired. i guess I can't seem to put my finger on it but one things for sure, I think I'm resonating with the vibration of negativity. I wanna be different only I am what I am. How can I change something so intrinsic? I guess if I would just quit trying to I'd be alright.

Inalienable rights: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I guess I found it, happiness. Unfortunately happiness is also the fundamental problem. Such is life. I found happiness under the influence and now I spend most of my time denying myself. What's right today will be wrong tomorrow, the trick is to be in sync with the wave, for me that would mean doing the opposite of everything I've been doing which is a paradox. I just have to give it up to my higher power and accept the cards I'm dealt. The more I think I have control of my destiny the farther it seems to stray off course. It all boils back down to moments, how bizar.

Midway Bowl

Alright, today was a little strange for me. I was up late as usual when I'm bot working and, therefore; I slept in. I kinda knew right away when I woke up that I wasn't right. It's that spooky sinking feeling and everything seems a little off. I don't like that feeling, because I know I can get sucked into it, deeper and deeper. I didn't wanna get out of bed so I was real slow about it. I felt like I needed to eat something but I had no appetite? I ate a can of raviolis, and that gloomy, spooky feeling just kinda hung with me which in turn started stirring up anxiety. I ran out of nurontin a couple days ago? Anyway, my day stayed dark. I went to a meeting around 3pm and felt compelled to share my feelings of despair. You know I have to rethink doing that, it has more than once left me wide open to negative criticism. No matter how I try to explain what's going on with me when that dark cloud starts blocking out my light, there is always someone who doesn't get it. Today was no exception. I understand that it's a lost cause trying to verbalize this state of mind to someone who's never experienced it and, on an intellectual level have to disregard the ignorant advise generated. I still feel an emotional rush as I am so advised. So, I think I need to replenish my gabapentin (nurontin). Only problem is a lack of money. Despite all this crap I did manage to go sober bowling tonight, almost didn't, but I knew I'd regret it. I'm glad I went, I met a woman that interested me. I don't remember her name, but I'll be looking to talk with her again. I'll be back in a bit.

The Light

Ok, it's kinda funny how I get things, but I usually do. I guess it started to dawn on me while writing my last post. There is absolutely no reason for someone like me to dispute the validity of the twelve steps of AA. It really isn't important, what is important is that I do not pick up! Nothing else matters for me, because if I pick up again I'll more than likely die. So, from now on there'll be no more of that. It's just that I had to have that part figured out b4 I could, on an intellectual level, accept it or understand. It just doesn't matter. I've been trying to complicate an extremely simple program. Don't question it, just work it or die. Although that's another question all together, do I wanna die? I have to admit that I have wanted to die on numerous occasions but I'm hoping that's because of the fact that I also suffer from mental illness, which left untreated will also lead to death. Right now, I'm on several medications that keep me above ground. OK, now that that's settled I can get on with the business of recovery. This is the only time that I would advocate blindly accepting anything, at least the only time I can think of right now. AA all the way, both feet.

Midway Club

The Midway Club, 1161 Sherburne Ave., St.Paul, MN 55104 Pretty good club, lot's of meetings and real. I don't wanna violate the anonymity of AA, so no real names. Most of the members of this group are really down to earth and actually will talk about their struggles with addiction unlike a lot of clubs that seem to be a more formal and with almost scripted dialog. I'm not really sure how to describe a lot of what I see in AA clubs, but it's as though one dare not be negative about any of the steps. Kinda like if the program doesn't seem to be working for you it's because you're not working the program. "It works if you work it", is an AA motto and you're not working it if you see any flaws in the program. I'm trying to understand it better myself. "Fake it 'tll you make it", is another motto and you now, for me it does seem to work. It's the fellowship of AA that seems to work for me, and if you express negativity you won't become part of the fellowship. I've been going to AA meetings for about five years now and I'm just starting to catch on. Only the tendency is for me to wander away from the program and when I do I find it difficult to fit into the program. If you wanna stay clean in AA, you have to work the program and don't be a nay sayer. I'll be back, I gotta get something to eat.

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

Trying to get out of the twilight zone, huh? Funny how real life can be stranger than fiction. I think I know what you mean. Like, am I the only sane person on the planet? I've spent most of my life trying to adapt to an insane population and have finally given up. Now I amuse myself confusing others. The elements of uncertainty and mis perception leave us all floating around in the twilight zone. Just kidding Angelfish, but there's much we're missing out on because we are blind.

Midway Club

Ok, I found a great AA group, it's the Midway Club one block off of University, Northwest corner of Lexington and University. I'll be writing more about it, but I have to crash now.

I'm Back

Wow, time flies. It's already March 3, 2007. As is with just about everything I do; I just lose my enthusiasm for it and stop. I'm going to try to keep up this blog though so here I am back with more insightful words of wisdom. A lot has happened since my last post and I will try to bring this up to speed. I'm working now, way out in Hudson, WI. It sounds far but it's a 20 minute commute which is easy. Straight shot down 94 East. I like the job, had to fall back on my old reliable skills for survival. I'm welding buckets, big buckets for digging in dirt or whatever. We had a bucket last week that weighed 50 tons. Anyway I think you get the idea. It's heavy duty welding with 3/32 wire dual shield and it's great. I guess the new job has something to do with my not posting lately because I've been assimilating into a new routine. I have a lot more to talk about, but right now I've gotta go get something to eat. I know it's 10:40 pm but I'm going to go downstairs and cook up a hamburger. Be back real soon.