Revelations

Simon Says:
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Revelations:
I recently met a woman, a very beautiful woman. A psychotic woman and to me that makes her even more beautiful. She’s older now but in her younger days she was one of those rare beauties that could make a grown man cry … as the song goes.
Life is stranger than fiction, and we just don’t know what makes certain people gravitate towards one another or for that matter, what drives them apart. What is it that creates hostility and unconditional love? I sometimes think I know the answers; at least I’m sure I know some of them. I also know it doesn’t matter, life is what it is and that’s the macrocosmic answer.
I sometimes envy the simple minded; life is much easier on them. They find purpose in performing menial jobs, acquiring material luxuries that make them happy. Happiness is a little harder to find for others, I know I haven’t found it. I’m not even sure what it is. I haven’t been looking for it lately. I know if I ever had it its gone now, and I don’t seem to care. All I want to do is sleep and I can’t seem to get that right either. My dreams are a lot better than my life. I’ll go for days without sleep and then days when I can’t seem to wake up.
At the suggestion of the beautiful woman I read the last book of the New Testament. The extensive use of symbolism leaves whatever message that might be hidden in it wide open to an infinite number of interpretations. The only thing I feel is made very clear is that we are going to suffer even greater pain than we are experiencing now. The part that disappoints me is that it matters not how you live your life or who you are; you are still going to suffer and be slaughtered along with everyone else. Hopefully it’s not so and just more symbolism subject to your own personal interpretation.
I asked the woman how she could find comfort in such a thing and her response was that the human race is evil and there will be justice in the end. To me it sounds like we are living in hell and I’ve had that feeling for a long time.
I think she is right; the phenomenal part of this story is that this woman would open up to me and tell me things she claims to have not shared with anyone else. There must be a higher power behind the people we meet and the experiences we have. My question is why?

Change

Simon Says:
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One other guarantee in life, is change. They always fail to mention it along with Death and Taxes. So there are three guarantees, "death, taxes and change". I'm only mentioning it here because I'm about to go through some changes, for the better, I hope.
This guy that runs this house has been hounding me to apply for a CADI (Community Alternatives for Disabled Individuals) waiver. I knew it meant more money for my rent here but when I found out how much more money it means it almost made me sick. If I was to be granted a CADI waiver this asshole would get double the rent he's collecting for me now. That would come to $2500/month to rent out a 12' X 12" room in his basement.
I live down here with two other guys that are receiving the CADI waiver and the whole shebang is fraud. The guy has to lie to the county about the services he provides and the recipients are coerced into signing paperwork stating that they are receiving these fictitious services. I'm just so disappointed in this procedure that I feel sick to my stomach. It's all fraud, right down the bureaucratic line.
Since I just happen to have enough wherewithal to give a damn, I won't be getting the CADI waiver and therefore have to move out to make room for someone a little less aware. Someone who'll sign anything that's put in front of them so this`asshole can get his $2500/month rent from the county (tax payers). Let's see, hmm, that comes to $7,500/month to do absolutely nothing but provide a place for three idiots to sleep. This shit is plain old fucking wrong. Hmm, I wonder what can be done about it?
So anyway, I've begun packing my bags again. They're looking for another place for me and this asshole is looking for reasons to kick me out ASAP because he is losing money every day I'm here. I think this is the first time a CADI waiver has been denied for him and he's not happy. It's no wonder he's having additional living space added on to the house, he's found a gold mine with this. Actually, I can't say I wouldn't do it myself, but I wouldn't do it the way he's doing it. This guy is so greedy he'd be feeding us dog food if he could.

Adult Foster Care

Simon Says:
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Sucks ASS! I've been living here for almost five months and yes it does suck ass. The county put me here because they figured I was a danger to myself. What a joke this shit is. They (the county) is paying this guy $1260/month for me to live in a 12 foot square bedroom in the basement of this house with two other guys across the hall who play xbox video games 20hrs a day. Just thought I'd let you know how it's going, later.

Easy Money

Simon Says:
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Hey, yes, I'm still alive. I've been kinda busy lately. I still have to go to therapy every day and lately I've been mess'n around with a few different women. Nice girls, but they take up a lot of my time.

I've also been donating my plasma (blood) for money. Twice a week, $40 a pop, that's $80 a week and the only hard part is getting to the place and back here in one day. I have to recommend plasma donation if you could use the money and it's used to save lives which is a feel good thing.

I met this one woman a few weeks ago and we were really getting along well. Only problem I have is that I don't have any financial resources right now so she, "kicked me to the curb", as they say. I'm not too broken up about it, but I do realize that women are primarily interested in financial stability and that's understandable.

I finally got my laptop running again. I'm composing this post on it. My copy of Windows XP is pirated and I didn't get the right key code with it. It's going to expire in 28 days unless I figure out a way to crack the key, my next project.

If anyone out there is looking for free music downloads get "Shareaza". Great file sharing program for music but most of the applications are loaded with virus's. Just make sure you have an on access virus scanner before mess'n around with it. I managed to get a clean copy of "Office 2007", but everything else I've tried was infected. Don't understand what the big thrill is in trying to wreck peoples operating systems but it does ruin a big part of the internet experience. Sometimes I think it's the anti-virus companies that are unleashing a lot of the simple trojans out there, nothing better than the ability to create your own demand.

I'm, back in DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy), probably mentioned it before but I want to add a little note here. DBT is a good thing, only it pays to do your own research on it because insurance companies don't allow enough time for the formal therapy to be presented in a very useful way. I'm leaning away from 12 step (AA) and putting more effort into DBT. I want to start a small DBT support group, but then again there's a lot of things I'd like to do if I had the time.

I've also been getting into Japanese Kanji calligraphy, if you want to exercise your memory skills, Kanji is an excellent way to go and you learn a new language at the same time. There are around 8000 Kanji symbols, seems overwhelming to learn but I'm just taking it one symbol at a time.

I'm having a lot of trouble getting used to this foster care crap, but I use the DBT skills to help me endure it. I was originally court ordered here but my stay of commitment has been lifted and I'm here voluntarily now. Going to stay here until my SSDI goes through and I'm now on the waiting list for section 8 housing. I have a few new friends on section 8 and they have beautiful apartments with all the amenities. They tell you it's a 2-3 year waiting list but I've got a feeling it's not that long. That sort of propaganda is to discourage you from sticking to it.

I sure wish I could make a little money on the side. I want to get my own server and a T1 line, I've got to be careful not to suck up all this`guys bandwidth all the time, and it's getting a little old.

I am looking for pen pals in the mental health field, (anyone suffering from MI issues) so we`can learn the system together. I try to post all I know, but I need to know more. Don't hesitant to email me or post comments on this blog.

Oh, that's a pic of Shooter's where I like to play pool after I get my blood money.

Some Things are Hard to Shake

Simon Says:
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Sorry, I've been a little busy lately and haven't made time to keep up with my writing. I'm in a constant state of recovery and spend most of my time with it. I should be trying to get some sleep tight now but feel compelled to update my blogs.
Things are going well with the DBT program only I was surprised to find myself being the only male in a group of about 15 or so women. That's just fine with me, can't complain. I know I've been getting better, I'm starting to feel like my mind is healing in some ways; however, my memory still isn't working worth a shit. I had a few ECT treatments a while back and they warned me that it would affect my memory but that it would be a temporary thing and nothing to be too concerned about.
Well I think it's been around 10 months now and I actually feel like my memory problem is getting worse all the time. I don't seem to have much trouble with little insignificant recollections but I'm constantly forgetting important significant things. I'm not going to give a bunch of examples right now but at times I think maybe I'm getting alzheimer's.
Oh well, It could just be a side affect of some of the medication I'm taking. I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist on Tuesday and we'll see what he thinks.
I was planning on making this a long post but I'm starting to doze off. I'll be back Sunday and finish updating.

Experimental post

Simon Says:
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OK, this is just a trial post. I keep experimenting with different things here. This is just a post to see if it satisfies the sponsor of my audio program.

The Real Story on Alcoholism

Simon Say's:

Hey all, Seven months sober now as of August 10, 2008. They say it takes a year to begin to reverse the damage done by years of abuse. In my case it may be longer, throughout my adventures I've come to realize that I've been exceptionally abusive. Three suicide attempts has left my brain a little more damaged than the average.
For the uninformed out there I wasn't visiting the psych wards because I was a little intoxicated. I was there because I almost died and had no intention of giving up that quest. Practice makes perfect. I don't believe in the old saying that suicide is a "Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem". I don't care how temporary depression is supposed to be, for me it's been a permanent condition. Start throwing anxiety attacks on top of the depression as well as other disorders and there's no way you can tell that person that things are going to improve.
I've been attending group therapy for health and wellness for the last couple of months and now I'm moving on to a different group. This time it's DBT, 12 hours of outpatient therapy every week for as long as it takes. DBT is not new to me, I participated in a 90 day inpatient DBT treatment program not too long ago. DBT stands for Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and it's based on Eastern philosophy. Mostly Zen Buddhism which I'm totally into so I fit right in. It's a new alternative to the old drudgery of 12 step programs and the main premise is to build a life worth living. I start my first group tomorrow afternoon. One informative note I would like to add here is that DBT is something you have to actively seek and demand once you're in the mental health system, otherwise you'll end up in a 12 step program which I'm not totally dismissing; however, it hasn't worked well for me.
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic and you probably aren't one either. What I am is a man with a lot of different mental illness issues whose only legal relief came out of a bottle. I find it a little amazing that as intelligent as our species has become it still is blind in many areas. Alcoholism is definitely over diagnosed. It's an automatic diagnosis to anyone who self medicates with alcohol, when for a lot of people the alcohol is only a symptom of wide variety of other illnesses that go untreated because of simple ignorance of our medical professionals and education institutions. As a person aware of this condition it's nearly impossible to convey this small tidbit of knowledge to our societies medical professionals. In many cases it's due to the narcissistic nature of Md's.
I do believe that 12 step programs can be of a lot of help to the real alcoholic, ( a person with a psychological and physical obsession with alcohol). On the other side of the same coin I don't believe the 12 steps of Alcoholic's Anonymous are of much use to the mentally ill. Depression, anxiety attacks, episodes of mania are mental illnesses, not obsessions with alcohol. Most people suffering from these illnesses but in varying degrees. When these illnesses become so severe that they interfere with a persons ability to march in step with the masses, then you have a problem that needs to be treated like any other illness. The sad fact is that these illnesses are too often ignored if the individual suffering from them has used alcohol for relief. The immediate diagnosis (knee jerk) is alcoholic. The tragedy is that these people often end up dead.
I've come a long way. I too had many misconceptions about mental illness and therefor understand the ignorance that pervades our society. Most people will never develop their knowledge on this subject until the day they begin to realize that it doesn't just happen to other people. One day they may wake up and find it almost impossible to get out of bed.

The Good Life

Simon Says:

I shoud've left this blog 100% anonymous, but I didn't. No biggie really, I guess. I'm a total, 100% loner. I wasn't always that way, just got tired of dealing with all the bullshit that comes with socializing. People are so damned out of touch with reality I can't take it any more.
The truth is, we're only here in this life for a short time and every moment is different from the last one. Weather you make big money at your job or have the most impressive credentials really doesn't mean shit. What's important is how you live your life, taking the time to look around, finding those little treasures that everyone else is too busy to see. Trying to solve some of the many mysteries that make up our world.
The average American spends all their time working to impress others, working so they can have a nicer car than the neighbors. Putting all their efforts into developing a higher social standing. Manicuring their lawns, dressing up their homes, constantly seeking the approval of others in the same boat.
When the days comes that you are old, weak and totally dependant on others to keep you alive and you are ready to breath your last breath; then at that moment you will come to realize that you've wasted your whole life doing nothing. You've accomplished nothing, you've made no contributions to society that'll have a lasting affect. You've done nothing and you worked your ass off doing it. Congratulations and Adios.

The Truth as I see it Today

Simon Says:
OK, here's what's been happening lately. Tonight I went to an AA meeting here in Minnesota (the land of 10,000 treatment centers). I go to a lot of
meetings and I look at them all as place to practice my public speaking skills, and of course to get support in recovering from some of my addictions. I just
got home a few minutes ago which is way beyond my curfew. This curfew is a house rule that I tend to violate every now and then. So anyway I made a little
speech tonight on my theory regarding substance abuse. I thought I'd enter it here for all.
Most substance abusers, by substance I'm referring to chemicals, are riddled with fear of one thing or another. It doesn't really matter what your fear is focused on. It's just a simple fact that fear lurks there somewhere. Hmmm, let me back up a little.
We all have at least two personalities. Our sober personality and our intoxicated personality. Our intoxicated personality is always there in the background, suppressed by by what Sigmund Freud referred to as our "super ego". The super ego is sometimes referred to as the father figure or our perception of what is right and wrong, our conscience or moral beliefs.
We've all seen the cartoons where the main character struggles with two separate entities sitting on his opposite shoulders. One is telling him to behave
in one particular way and the other is telling him to behave in the opposite way. These two entities are our two personalities and in different situations either one could be professing the proper action. The ego or self (our thinking mind) must chose which course of action best fits the situation at hand.
Now here's where the problem comes in. The addicts sober personality doesn't have the ability to perform either action at will. It can only behave in one way and that particular way may not be the best course of action for every situation. This may not be true for everyone but I have come to the conclusion that this is my mode of operation. When my ego realizes that my intoxicated personality is better suited to deal with the situation or event which it finds itself in then it unleashes that personality the only way it knows how, and that is to unlock its cage with the key of intoxication. When my intoxicated personality is cut loose my sober personality becomes the one locked up. There's no way for me to work with both of them at the same time, it's either one or the other. Once the intoxicated personality is out, everything changes. What was a situation that my sober self had a difficult time dealing with, my intoxicated self handles with ease. For me the intoxicated self is much more aggressive and fears almost nothing. If my ego believes that aggression and destruction are needed for survival it takes this course of action and in my case it rarely, if ever, has failed me.
The big problem with unleashing this facet of my personality is that it knows no bounds and the destruction can go way beyond that what is necessary, causing pain and suffering in it's wake. Once the dust has settled and the intoxicated personality returns to its cage the sober personality is once again cut loose and in some of the more extreme cases has no knowledge of what the intoxicated self has done.
As the sober self begins to see what all has taken place the super ego begins it's work of condemning the actions of the intoxicated self. This condemnation manifests itself in the form of anxiety, feelings of guilt and shame. These feelings of condemnation then lead to depression which can be unbearable and only effect the sober ego.
The solution for relief? Let the intoxicated self out again, because the intoxicated self is not affected by the punishing actions of the super ego, in fact the super ego has no control over the intoxicated self. Thus begins the long term presence of the intoxicated ego which takes over as the predominant condition which the ego must maintain in order to avoid the punishing manifestations of the super ego. The longer the intoxicated ego is allowed to rein the more of the super ego's ideals are violated.
The super ego has no power over the intoxicated ego and can only impose punishment on the sober ego. The intoxicated ego's ability to remain uncaged are limited and eventually has to return to the cage to rest. As the sober ego emerges from the cage it is hit with the full brunt of the super ego's punishing wrath. This punishment can be so severe it can result death.

Audio Server

Simon Says:
Looks like I'm having a little trouble with this audio server. I guess that's the way it goes when you try and get by without spending too much. I have a few audio clips that I'd like to be able to stream and eventually I'll get it straightened out.
I've been reading a really good book on the Zen way of dealing with depression and I'd like to recommend it: "The Zen Path through Depression", by Philip Martin. I haven't finished it yet, but so far it seems the main premise is to be the observer and try not to resist your feelings, rather examine your feelings and discover what it is that your mind is trying to communicate to you. My interpretation may be different than yours though so I recommend reading it for yourself.
I've been going through a lot of therapy, group and individual. I've been participating in group therapy for years now and at first I couldn't see how it could be of any help. Now I'm beginning to realize that slowly over time I am changing my outlook. I didn't want to be labelled as having a mental illness and therefor resisted seeking help for it. Seeking help is the first step to acceptance and the only way out. Must be careful though, there are different routs one can take and they go in very different directions. For me getting caught up in court ordered treatment centers and half-way houses is not the way to go! These places are not in the business of helping people, rather they are in the business of making money and I think we all know what that means.
I'm in a good place now, very professional and am making some progress. I'm beginning to see that I've been living in a world of negativity all my life, a world that we all live in. There is another way though one that I have a hard time seeing. I have a hard time seeing it because it is not the main stream society of America. I believe we have to find different sub cultures to be healthy. Anger, greed or jealousy and fear are the cause of most of our pain and suffering. Our capitalistic society thrives on these three basic emotions. We have no choice here, we must make a living and therefor be competitive. Our private lives however, need to be lived in a different way.

Audio Stream

Simon Says:
I think I got it working! Try clicking on the girl with the balloon.

AA Meeting Audio Stream

Simon Says:
I'm working on it. I don't have access to the router, at least it ain't going to be easy. I hope to have it working ASAP though.

Life Under Duress

Simon Says:
Hey all, I've been a little busy lately. Probably trying to do too much but things are gradually getting done. I've been living in this group home since May 1 of this year. Everything started out OK even though this guy that owns the house was ignoring everything we talked about during the intake, I was able to tactfully remind the guy of our original agreements. He complied, reluctantly, but I didn't care much about that as long as we came to an understanding.
I don't remember if I mentioned my dissapointment in the food here but it is definately a dissapointment. My hosts here are natives of Nigeria, Africa and have quite a few different customes when it comes to food. I can handle just about anything given my experiences of late. There was a time when I wouldn't put up with any shit, but I've been humbled and I believe my humility is a sign of my progress. I was thinking last night how much I've actually changed in the last few years, all good changes. I still have have a lot of the same old thoughts run through my head, but I've learned that there are better ways of expressing myself. My old way was very direct and straight to the point. Now I'm a bit more tactful, which is much more productive because the direct approach usually stimulates emotional responses. Beating around the bush and the art of flanking the issue is much more fun as well. I never request quarter (definition no. 23) when I'm in battle with someone and I offer none, this personality trait of mine has not changed.
Anyway, back on topic, this guy whom I won't name because too many people are beginning to read my blogs and I need to be a little carefull. I still only write the exact truth, only I need to be cognizant of my personal survival. This guy, I'll call him Dissanus, because he talks out of the side of his ass. Every time we sit down to eat the routine is that all glasses are turned upside down until our thanks to god is expressed. We all have to hold hands around the table and Dissanus directs an individual of his choice to say grace. Then we can turn our glasses right side up and begin to eat. At this time Dissanus begins to comment on how we only eat the healthiest of foods. These comments are only expressed because Dissanus is so cheap with the food he won't buy any food that isn't just basic sustanence foods. A typical meal consists of the cheapest hot dogs he can find as well as hot dog buns that you have to slice open yourself. I don't know where he gets them but I've never had a hot dog bun that wasn't presliced so you can just open it up and stick the hot dog in. There's never any ketchup or mustard on the table (you have to ask) before he'll get it out of the fridge. My theory on this routine is that Dissanus is hoping that we will take the hint that he would rather we didn't use ketchup and mustard because it's too expensive. Then I have to ask for onion, because I just can't eat a hotdog without onions on it. At this point I have to go myself and dig around in the fridge for some old piece of onion and chop it up myself, I guess I'm the only one here that'll eat onion, no one else can stand onions. Well, that I don't care about, I do like onions. I know he's found a place where he can buy old bread because the last time we had hot dogs I noticed one of the buns had mold on it. This isn't a problem with Dissanus and his familly because they eat the same crap, not much of it though, because they have to save stomach room for when they go out to eat when we're all done eating. We have other things for dinner but it's all along the same line as the hotdog thing.
Day before yesterday I told him I'm eating my own thing and I don't want to eat with the familly anymore because the kind of food I eat no one will like. He was surprised and didn't know how to respond. Then I told him that the only thing I usually eat is rice and tofu with seeweed and that it won't cost as much as the hotdogs. Hmmm, well if it costs less than hotdogs then maybe that'll be OK. He wanted to go to the Asain food store on Cliff Rd to see what it costs and he was delighted. So now I'm the only one in the house that can use the kitchen and cook my own dinners, as long as it's only rice and tofu. So now I guess I'm a vegan, I will only eat rice and tofu, no more cheap hotdogs and moldy buns. I'm happy and I'll be a lot healthier eating this way. Only I'm not really used to eating the same thing every day, but I will just to avoid the really healthy hot dogs. I think I was getting sick from the shit.
One other thing I feel the need to mention is that Nigerians don't worry about refridgerating left over food. They just leave it on the counter and will eat it the next day. I actually found that part to be a little scary but I was surprised that I only got the shits a couple of times.
I only feel a little angry about this situation because I know that the county pays him pretty good money to provide room and board for us, "nut cases". But I've heard of this kind of abuse in the past and I know it doesn't do any good to file complaints to the county. It just makes things worse because the owner of the house is able to make any rules he feels is necessary to maintain order in the house.

A Synopsis of Depression

Simon Says:

Exploring Depression

When we stop running, we can begin to look at what is
happening with us. We may be terrified, but we can set aside our
fear for a moment. We can just explore the situation.
We may have had preconceptions about depression---but we will find that these are of no use to us, because they are nothing like a direct experience of depression itself.
In depression we are in a world we have never seen before. We may feel that we are different from other people. It can be as though everyone is speaking a language we don't understand. Our minds struggle to keep up with all that is happening around us. Even the air and light seem different from what we have known before.
Depression is not merely a deeper experience of our normal emotions of sadness, suffering, or grief. Those emotions are of course present. But depression is an experience entirely different, in both body and mind, from anything we have known before.
We need to learn the lay of this land called depression, both to help us find our way out, and to help us survive while we are here. The path out of here may be difficult, and may take us a while to find.
So it makes sense for us to get our bearings, and explore this territory we find ourselves in.
Intense emotions are present in us; hopelessness, worthlessness, and a profound and unexplained sadness. We feel that we are all alone. Thoughts of death intrude into our consciousness. We may even be obsessed with thoughts of suicide.
Our mind feels as though it isn't working right. It is difficult for us to form thoughts, to speak, even to make simple decisions. We feel a mental exhaustion, and our memory often doesn't seem to work. There is a slowing of our body and mind. Yet there is a speeding up of that voice in our head, screaming terrible things about us and the rest of the world. Depression robs us of our attention and judgement at the very time when we need them the most.
We also feel a physical exhaustion. We feel weighed down as though we are moving through water, or in heavy gravity. We move slowly and often feel that whatever it is we want to do, is not worth the effort. We may feel that all we want to do is sleep.
The world around us seems different. It's as though someone has slowly turned down the lights, until it is too difficult to see. All around us we see filth and decay, hopelessness and death. we are intensely attuned to the sadness in the world, both our own pain and the pain of others.
This place feels as cold and lifeless as the moon, and as deadly as the barren desert. Or it may be a dark, menacing, overgrown forest where we can't see any way out, or even know in which direction to turn. Or we may feel like we are at the bottom of the ocean, where no light can penetrate, we can't breath, and the pressure bears down hard on us.
Depression can come on slowly. It can be like the light fading at the end of the day: you hardly notice it until you can't see your hand in front of your face. Or it can be like walking in a thick fog; you don't notice how wet it is until you are soaked.
But we can't run away, so we have to stay. We pay attention to our thoughts, our desire to run, to forget about the pain. We have no choice, we stay and live with an awareness that others can hardly understand.
Depression is an illness, a disease of the mind, body and spirit. It interferes with our ability to see what's good about this life and to feel any hope for the future. It makes being alive feel like a curse. Yet we are afraid to run so we must stay and fight.

Humility 謙そん

Simon Says:
I've been to a lot of places, done a lot of things. I plan on going to more place and doing a lot more if I keep on living. I couldn't get through a single day if I hadn't learned the concept of humility and how to handle and accept humiliation. I know we often take our status in the community for granted until one day you end up, for whatever reason, in the custody of the police. There are a variety of personalities within the law enforcement organization. I can't say they're all assholes, but the greater majority of them are. You've got to consider what it is that attracts a person into that field of service. The most professional police I've encountered were the Federal Park Police in Washington, DC. The least professional were the Dakota County Deputy Sheriffs at the courthouse in Hastings, MN. I had to go to court for a civil matter a couple of months ago and I got a little roughed up by the Deputy Sheriff. Long story, but it was totaly uncalled for. I wasn't there on a criminal issue it was totally a civil matter but this cop treated me like I was a total lowlife, locked me in a holding cell as I awaited my turn to see the judge. I guess I didn't go easy, but I didn't see any reason for them to think I needed to be locked up in a cell, I figured I should be able to sit and wait my turn like anyone else, so we got into a little scuffle. I thought the guy was going to have a heart attach, good thing I didn't swing at him, I just offered resistance as I was put in the cell. I have to admit I was pissed and I don't get that way easily.

Thanks Michelle, for the vote of confidence, I was actually feeling a little unsteady when I got your comment and it did lift my spirits!

I started seeing a new therapist two weeks ago and so far I kinda like this guy, sounds like he's been in the business for awhile and that's what I need. Also, it turns out we moved here from the same town out in Virginia and know a lot of places out East in common. So he knows my work and some of the things I did out there. We both lived in a place called Clarendon, VA which is an upscale city inside the beltway in Washington, DC. Maybe two miles from the Pentagon and the Arlington National Cemetary. I lived there for about four years and had a small business in Vienna, VA. His name is Mark and it's hard to tell how old he is, for me anyway. I'm not trying to be vain or anything but I just happen to look ten years younger than I am and I guess that's because I have Japanese ancestry.

I hate to do this but I should start being a litle careful what I write, my readership has expanded a little and I believe it's had an affect on me a couple of times in recent weeks. Hmmm, I should, but then again I should be doing a lot of things.

For anyone out there that's been following my rants, I'm going to be changing the URL of this site because there are certain people that are more than a little upset with me right now. Only problem is I don't know how to change the URL and still be able to keep it available to those that I want to continue to be able to read my stuff? You see I made the mistake of putting a link to this blog on one of my other blogs that isn't anomimous, so anyone comming in through there knew exactly who I am and I've been getting some grief since then. This may be my last post as micdaa@blogger.com. Here's what I'm going to do: My instant messenger service is yahoo and I'm daveares@Yahoo.com, Just IM me if you want the new URL. The feed will be inoperable also until I get sround to reburning it. Sorry, but shit does happen and a lot more often than you think.

Never Ending Battle

Simon Says:
OK, I'm back. I've been kinda under the weather for the last week or so. I tried to go off my meds, bad idea, but I had to see what would happen. I ran out of my klonopin and because I'm sick and tired of getting the third degree interrogation every time I get my prescription renewed, this time I thought I'd quit taking them.
Here's what happened, the first couple of days everything was fine. Then I got zapped a couple of times and I was expecting that, only these weren't the standard zaps you get when you withdraw from an SSRI, these were ten times as powerful. The zaps stopped and I thought everything was cool. Then I got zapped again and this time it felt like someone just punched me in the face. It's about four days without the klonopin now and I'm feeling a little paranoid after the punch in the face. They say you can have seizures if you do what I was doing and that's what was beginning to worry me a little. About six days into the withdrawal I'm gradually slipping deeper into this paranoid state because I keep getting an occasional zap, thinking one of these times I'm going to have that seizure. Paranoia starts turning into anxiety. I try to boost my SSRIs to compensate for the klonopin, didn't help. Anxiety was getting worse and I couldn't sleep. I was up for days, no sleep at all then I fell asleep for about five hours and woke up feeling refreshed. Then I was up for another couple of days then another day, no sleep. I realize I'm not looking too well when I look in the mirror, then it dawns on me that I haven't been taking care of myself. I start getting paranoid that someone might notice or that I'm behaving differently than usual which adds to my anxiety level. I start feeling moody along with the anxiety, I can't stop moving around or relax. The moodiness starts getting worse, I'm still taking my anti depressants at a little higher dose but I feel like shit.
Full on depression starts to settle in and I decide I'm going to go see a doctor and try to get back on track. I'm around two weeks without klonopin now and running out of my other meds so logged on to my pharmacy account to order some refills and walla! The doctor I've been seeing renewed my klonopin prescription without me knowing about it! No questions asked, there it was. I ordered them, went and picked them up, and within hours of taking the first pill I was starting to feel better. That was yesterday and right now I'm back. I fell asleep and slept most of the day and I'm feeling fine again. Paranoia, depression, anxiety all gone. Like flipping a switch. All I can say is whew!
Now I know the consequences of going off the klonopin, only I know I'll have trouble getting them in the future which just ain't right. I found the combination of medications that works for me but I have to fight tooth and nail for them, or go back to drinking. Pisses me off completely, but I don't want to go back to drinking unless forced into it by the medical idiots. Damn, they sure are fucking stupid.

The Assessment

Simon Says:
Some of the most common forms of anxiety disorders include--
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD):
GAD occurs when normal worries and fears turn into persistent, nagging thoughts that affect various aspects of daily life. The most common symptoms of this particular type of anxiety disorder include: - chest pains, chronic worrying, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, feelings of dread, unease, inability to control anxious thoughts, insomnia or trouble staying asleep, irritability, nausea, stomach problems, procrastination, restlessness, sweating, trembling, shaking, twitching.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD):
Characterized by unwanted and repetitive thoughts or compulsions, OCD causes seemingly uncontrollable thoughts and obsessions. Some of the most often experienced symptoms or types of obsessions include: - fear of germs, fear of disorder, fear of causing harm to either oneself or other people, intense superstitions or obsessing about luck, excessive religious thoughts.
Panic Disorder:
Panic attacks are sudden, unexpected periods of intense discomfort, fear, and or anxiety. As many as a third of all adults have experienced a panic attack at some time in their lives marked by symptoms such as: - chest pains, dizziness, feeling out of control, heart palpitations, pounding heart, racing pulse, hot or cold flashes, nausea, shaking or trembling, smothering sensation in the chest.
Social Anxiety Disorder or Social Phobia:
Affecting as many as 15% of American adults at any one time, social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is defined by an overwhelming fear of public humiliation. Both men and women are equally affected by this anxiety disorder, which usually begins in childhood or adolescence and can be accompanied by other conditions such as depression. Social phobia is defined as a disabling fear of embarrassment or public scrutiny, leading people to avoid social gatherings. Some of the more common symptoms of social anxiety disorder include: - a fear of being judged or scrutinized by people. Avoidance of social situations, extreme self-consciousness, fear of doing something embarrassing or humiliating, intense fear or worrying before a social event, sometimes days or weeks in advance.
Common Emotional and Psychological Symptoms:
Regardless of the exact type of disorder, the most common emotional and psychological symptoms associated with all anxiety disorders may include a few, or several of the following: - apprehension or uneasiness, avoidance of social situations and activities, behavioral problems in children and teenagers, confusion, hyper vigilant about one's surroundings, insecure and self-conscious, intense feelings of apprehension, fear of dying or going insane, feelings of irritability, feeling trapped, unable to escape, restlessness, edginess.
Physical Symptoms of Anxiety Disorders:
In addition to the numerous emotional effects, some anxiety disorder symptoms may also be physical in nature. Because of this, many people mistakenly believe they have some other type of medical illness or condition, rather than realizing they are the effects of anxiety. Some of these physical symptoms include: - cold, clammy skin, diarrhea, headaches, insomnia, fatigue, muscle tension, shortness of breath, sweating, tremors.
If you have had any of these symptoms you're just a normal, common, everyday, human being. If any of these symptoms are overwhelming and debilitating, you're in trouble and need to seek help. Don't look for help at the local bar or liquor store though, and if you have, don't mention it to anyone in the medical profession. You will immediately be labelled an alcoholic which disqualifies you from any medical help. You'll end up getting a prescription for AA, which is just fucking stupid.

Anxiety Disorder

Just want everyone to see this, click the heading to this post. If you suffer from anxiety disorder like I do, better get it under control, even if it means demanding help.
Psychiatric protocol prohibits treatment of anxiety disorders in people with a history of substance abuse, so you've got to demand a deviation. Not easy but it can be done, it worked with me but I have to go through the same bullshit every time I get a prescription refilled. The basis of their protocol is unfounded and simply ridiculous.

Universal Life Force

Reiki


GOKAI (The Five Basic Reiki Principles)
"The secret method of inviting good fortune.”

The marvelous medicine for all sickness,
Just for today:

Do not be angry
Do not worry
Be grateful
Work with integrity
Be kind to others.

Usui Mikao

KMA

Haven't been doing too well lately. I guess I'm starting to get the fuck its again. Just waiting out my time. Seems like life has been going on a little too long for me. Birds are making a lot of racket outside. I live in a basement, in the back. I've got a window but I never raise the blinds. I know what's going on though, I'm a self proclaimed electronics genius and I've got a camera and microphone out in the front yard. It's one of the only things I watch on TV. One of the only things. The sun has been rising for the last half hour or so but not much else. I'm working on another camera I stripped out of an old cell phone, plan on putting that one in a park about two blocks from here, haven't given the details a lot of thought just yet, it will be a challenge.
I've been reading this book I got turned on to by one of my AA sponsors that committed suicide a few years back. It's a pretty thick book with pages as thin as they make. It's not an easy read. I've been reading it for at least three years. The book is supposedly authored by a guy named Jesus who's died a long time ago. It's a long story how this book materialised, maybe twenty or thirty years ago, so I won't go there, for now anyway. Anyway, one thing in it makes a lot of sense to me and that has to do with personal attacks on us from any of our brothers or sisters. Jesus says that we're all brothers and sisters and we're separated by something called the ego. Healing this separation and reuniting us as we ought to be is the premise of the book. A difficult undertaking at best. The ego continues to dominate us but if we follow a few simple directives we can overcome the ego. The problem here is, to get everyone to rid themselves of the ego so we can end the separation and be reunited with god. By the looks of things, it ain't happening anytime soon. Jesus also says that time doesn't really exist. But I won't get into that just yet either.
So here's the deal, I've been attacked. I also suffer from something called blunting. Blunting is psychiatric term used to describe a condition where someone lacks emotional reaction. A blunted person has no trouble understanding emotional reactions, he or she just doesn't feel them. Kind of like Spock on Star Trek. Not reacting emotionally to a verbal attack does not mean you don't recognise the attack, you do definitely make a mental note of it though and save the note for further analysis when the chaotic situation is over.
One of the major problems with this flat emotional affect is that the person on the attack will obviously see that their abusive comments aren't producing the desired reaction which provokes an escalation in the attack. Frustration and bewilderment are the end result for the attacker, while the blunted victim might say, "hey, this coffee seems to taste better than usual, should we have another round"?
I've given all the abusive comments I received during that one sided conversation some careful consideration. Trying to decide how I should react. I mean what would be the proper reaction and whether or not I should do what most people would. I spend most of my time trying not to act as others do just because that's the way others act. I do this because I realise that the great majority of people don't think for themselves, rather; they try to march in step with what has been taught to them by mass hysteria, social norms, cultural influence, and of course TV sitcoms.
Getting back to that book I was talking about, Jesus says that any attack on your brother is actually a cry for help. I'm going to go with that and offer my forgiveness. As for the cry for help, I only wish I could. If there is anything I can do I surely will, only thing I ask is that you don't forget that I am your brother and I'm not in the best shape.

Pitty Party

This has been on my mind for most of the day, the "Pity Party". Anyone who attends AA on a regular basis is familiar with this stupid catch phrase. AA'ers (not all of them) have lost touch with the basic concept of a support group. I've been to around 1,500 AA meetings and I'm a bit sick of the ambiance set by the old cronies. These assholes believe an AA meeting can be botched up because someone, suffering from an overwhelming emotional crisis, shares their misfortune with the group. When I use the term "old cronies", I make no reference to the chronological age of the ass. There are plenty of young old cronies in AA.
The other night I was at a meeting and a woman began to speak of her struggles with alcoholism, became emotional and started to cry. Of course silence overtook the room and the woman, too distressed to continue, got up and left.
OK, so that's the way it goes, happens all the time. The part that disturbed me was after the meeting. This group likes to extend things out a little with fellowship activities following the meetings. That's cool and I like that part and do participate. You never know where we'll go, usually something different or mix it up, coffee, Perkins, etc. Well i was disappointed when we were having coffee at the comments coming from a couple of the cronies. Like, "Well that pity party ruined tonight's meeting", and "You know, that's not the kind of thing I wanna hear when I go to a meeting."
The point here is, these are the happy- happy, joy- joy people. Every AA group has them and they believe that AA meetings exist for the sole purpose of uplifting every ones mood and enthusiasm for sobriety. I believe this is definitely a part of it but room must be made for those that aren't to the point of teetotaling bliss. Everyone has to start at the bottom and when AA starts putting the newcomers aside then AA has lost sight of its purpose. As you well know I believe AA is washed out as it is.

Shorty

Short note, just to let you know I'm still here. I've agreed to go to the Burnsville mall with a couple of friends. Yes, I said "friends", been working on that. Never really made much of an effort to have friends, but I've been advised to do so by my therapist. I really don't feel like going anywhere but I guess that's where the effort part comes into play.
I posted a little rant on one of my other blogs and thought I'd share it here:

Ok, Things change. People are so damned impatient it's a wonder anything of true value ever gets accomplished. I find it extremely annoying when people want things the way they want them right this minute, and have no sense for long term accomplishments. It's a sure sign of american cultural contamination. People have no concept of procedure and the true nature of accomplishment. It's simply impossible to be what you want or have what you expect, immediately. You have to go through a process, which means starting out wading through knee deep bogs of shit and slowly climbing up out of the stink. The frustrating thing is the way people view you while you're in the shit. They are so cought up in their cultural beliefs that they perceive you as frozen in time. There's an old term (uniformatarianism) which is normally applied to scientific views of the earth and universe but I feel it's applicable in this context. Some People with academic credentials in one field of study, actualy believe it qualifies them as experts in just about every subject. At least they believe their opinions carry more weight than those of others, who've actually lived knee deep in the subject. The opinions of the real experts are discounted only because they don't have a college degree in basket weaving. This concept is simply ludicrous. I just wish the basket weavers didn't feel so compelled to preach on subjects on which they have no knowledge.

One more:


Yep, Decoration Day (Civil War). Today we call it Memorial Day. That'll be Monday of course. The last Monday in May. This year it's the 26th. Couldn't think of anything to start out with and then I remembered that tomorrow is Memorial Day. Most people have forgotten that Memorial Day is more than the traditional start of Summer. If you click on the heading to this post you can refresh your memory. Otherwise just go have a picnic or something. I always feel a little guilty about not going to Ironwood and visiting my Dad's grave, but I find Ironwood to be a little repulsive.
Ironwood is a town full of ignorant, "has beens" and will be for a long time. I just hope those people don't spread out too far, don't need that element in main stream society. It's not just Ironwood, MI it's the entire UP of MI. Anyway, I'm probably the only former resident that feels that way so no cause for concern. I may sneak up there some day before I die, just to say adios in my own twisted way.
I've been advised to break up my ramblings into smaller paragraphs, but that means shortening my thoughts into smaller expressions. I always thought a paragraph maintained it's integrity as long as it stayed on topic. My research indicates no definitive rule and that different writers have different techniques. I will take the advise however. A doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient.
Today, I had brunch with my brother (coffee) at Starbucks, I don't drink coffee much anymore, just on special occasions. My new beverage of choice is green tea and I've figured out a way to make it that can't be beat. I've got a fairly fancy coffee maker and one day I thought I'd try to make my tea with it, works great. You know how green tea is normally weak looking, kinda clear with very little color. My tea comes out as dark as coffee and It tastes great, not to mention all the positive health Benefits. You've got to get authentic green tea though (ryokucha) from the Camellia Sinensis plant. I've been drinking at least three cups a day. Just make sure you brush your teeth after, tea is worse than coffee when it comes to staining your teeth.
I've come to the conclusion that I am not an alcoholic, there are reasons why I had a problem with alcohol and alcoholism isn't one of them. I've had enough education on the subject to warrant a PhD. There is a problem with low level perception though and that's that anyone who has consumed mass quantities of alcohol is an alcoholic. I've got news for those of you who still believe that myth. Yes there are alcoholics and they have uncontrollable urges to drink, but on the other side of the same coin there are people that only drink because of anxiety and depression issues. The latter are not alcoholics, they are people that are self medicating mental illness issues. The idiots in the medical profession can't seem to figure out the simplest diagnosis. My experience with many doctors is that they lack the ability of deductive reasoning. Actually their problem is fear based, as long as they follow ridged protocol they feel a certain sense of safety and are unwilling to deviate. And alcohol does not kill brain cells. I guess this is really a topic for one of my other blogs so I'll just leave it at that. Stay tuned, I'll be back.

Denial (this is a link you know)

Ok,Simon here, Sinamin is a friend and is going to be more involved developing this blog for awhile. I'm sure anyone who stops by here has some helpful knowledge to share, please take a moment and participate, the smallest bit of knowledge could be a lifesaver for someone doing battle with addiction, depression, anxiety disorders and mental illnesses of a million different varieties. I'm hoping this blog or whatever it becomes will be a useful tool for those of us living the subculture of addiction. I'm trying to share all I know, which is a lot, but definitely not totally comprehensive. I notice that I'm getting a fairly steady increase in visitors but no one has yet to offer any useful information. If one were to look at the statistics on drug and alcohol addiction you would think a great many people out there have experience that some of the rest of us could use to improve our lives and I'm adamantly convinced of it. The question is how do you get people to care about others suffering parallel experiences. Most of us addicts exist under the same dark and gloomy cloud and the only way to clear the air is by helping each other.
I'm not sure if I'm suffering from delusions or not but lately I'm beginning to think that addiction isn't really the problem, addiction is just a symptom of other issues which plague us. Issues which we feel hopelessly condemned to endure because of social pressures to keep them hidden. I'm getting real tired of all this "social norms" bullshit and the stigmatising of what are referred to as "outliers" in mathematical statistics. I say fuck'em, if the majority of the population wants to march to the beat of the same drummer then they will always live a life of pretentiousness which over time will wear them down to brainless followers and some will just be so miserable they will prematurely die of some self induced disease. I do believe that our minds have the power to initiate self destruction in the guise of some incurable terminal illness. This is the future of the people who get caught up in the mass hysteria of social pressure to behave in unnatural ways to avoid condemnation from their neighbors. Very sad, and I have no doubts when it comes to this pathetic nature of our society.

Park Nicollet Clinic

Hey, Sinamin here. Yesterday was a pretty good day, got a major issue taken care of, transportation. At least I have some now, not an ideal medium; however, better than begging others for rides all the time. Today I have an appointment with a Dr. David von Weiss @ Park Nicollet Clinic in Eagan. Once again I'm going to have to plead my case for my medication, Klonopin. What a hassle, but I've no choice here, the alternative is not acceptable. Not right now anyway, don't feel like giving up having come this far. I've no reason to believe it won't be another hassle, but I'll let you know how it goes later. Funny thing is I'm court ordered to stay on my medication?
Mary, the woman that lives here just informed me that she is going to make breakfast and I'm invited to indulge. I'm not really hungry and I'm trying to shed a few pounds I managed to acquire while in treatment. She was a little persistent so I caved.
I think I've mentioned Avalon, I'm going to start outpatient treatment there on Monday, I'm sure that'll be a trip. I'm going to be keeping you updated on that venture also, anything to do with my addiction problem for now. I've become a relative group therapy professional and I actually am beginning to enjoy these things. I wanna start posting some audio soon, slowly researching the podcast thing. I'm building a new computer but it's slow going given my limited resources(money). I'm trying to build a micro server so I can actually host my own blogs and web pages and allow other clients to maintain databases on it. Don't know what I'm doing, but I learn as I go. Part of my recovery is to develop hobbies along with a social network. Progress has been slow but steady. Six months ago I didn't want to live any more, today I'm giving life another go. Must be partly due to the medication which I have to constantly do battle with the medical pros to maintain. they're going to kill me yet. So far though; I'm maintaining sobriety and that means I'm surviving. I have to be careful not to start sinking into my natural state of depression which is where I just get tired of all this. I kinda think Mary upstairs is a little lonely at times. I'll be back later today, practice mindfulness while I'm gone, do some research on Zen and Buddhism.

Benzodiazapines

Hi world. Welcome back to the real world. Benzodiazepines are a class of drugs designed to relieve anxiety and anxiety attacks. Anxiety disorder/chronic severe depression, that's my diagnosis. I was pretty young when I discovered that alcohol works great for anxiety and so the natural tendency would be to use alcohol to relieve anxiety. This is a common problem among alcoholics and addicts of all types. A lot of us aren't really alcoholics and drug addicts at all. We are just people with a mental disorder who've discovered a chemical that offers relief. The problem here is a simple one and the solution is even simpler; however, the paradoxical nature of this whole thing is phenomenal. Once a person gets labelled as having a history of abusing alcohol or drugs, the medical protocol is to never prescribe that person any medication that might have addictive properties. This makes absolutely no sense to anyone with an IQ above 90. If on the other hand, you don't have a history of abusing drugs and alcohol ( I don't understand why society wants to separate alcohol from the drug classification) there is absolutely no problem getting medication to help you with anxiety and or anxiety attacks. I fact doctors are more than willing to prescribe these drugs to someone who either hasn't admitted to drug abuse or just hasn't had the opportunity to discover the medicinal efficacy of street drugs when it comes to anxiety. That leaves the "drug abuser" in a very difficult situation to which there are few solutions, other than to continue to seek relief soliciting illegal street drugs and risking some fairly serious consequences. Like dirty drugs, characters of questionable moral ethics, dangerous situations of the life threatening variety, and the police and prison. All because of medical protocol for denying medication to the people who need it most. Funny part of this whole equation is you would think that a doctor would be intelligent enough to recognise the damage being done to the person whom they deny medication. I actually had one dumb ass write me a prescription for AA meetings? Very fucking funny.

Avalon Treatment Center MI/CD Eagan, MN 55122

Ey all of you big strong men, uncle Sam needs your help again. Lyric from days gone by. Anyway, Sinamin here. I got out today, outside I mean. Lately I don't do that much. Today I had to, by order of the supreme court, I went to a place called Avalon in Eagan. Another substance abuse treatment center, outpatient. Had to do a CD assessment to appease the powers that have infiltrated my life. Looks like I have a substance abuse problem after all? I'm still trying to get over the shocking news. Not sure why their address is posted all over the place as 1971 Seneca Rd, the place is actually 1230 Eagan Industrial Rd. suite 100. If you click on the link heading on this post it'll direct you to a pdf file on the place. Had my assessment done by a guy named Phil Burton. Pretty nice guy I guess, got his training through Hazelden. Hazelden preaches total abstinence, which means no meds. One of the main reasons I have problems with AA. I'm all for any medication that can keep me from using alcohol or any other crazy self medication i can get my hands on. The big paradox with meds is once you get tagged as an addict it's almost impossible to find a doctor willing to medicate you for anxiety (benzo's). They'll give you SSRI's 'till they're coming out of your ass, but nothing that'll really treat the real problems. I actually had to plead my case in front of the psychiatric board of mental health at the Mayo clinic in Rochester to get a prescription for Klonopin? This just ain't right. Once again I had to defend my use of a benzo this afternoon to another substance abuse counselor, getting rather tired of it. Truth is, there are a lot of addicts out there self medicating (dangerously), with a wide variety of illegal street drugs, risking an unimaginable variety of consequences when all they need is the medical society to pull their heads out of their asses and treat the mental illness issues that haunt us. So what if the medication is addictive, so is alcohol and meth and crack. At least the meds are legal and if they didn't make it so difficult to get them there would be a lot of lives saved, a lot fewer innocent people overcrowding our prisons and a lot less taxpayer's money being wasted on mentally retarded law enforcement personnel. Well, today I was sentenced to three days a week, outpatient treatment, three hours a day for like 20 weeks.

AFC (adult foster care) Eagan, MN 55122

Adult Foster Care (AFC) homes are residential settings that provide 24-hour personal care, protection, and supervision for individuals who are developmentally disabled, mentally ill, physically handicapped or aged who cannot live alone but who do not need continuous nursing care.
OK now, that's where I've ended up this time. This is my first experience with a long term adult foster care facility. I've been here since Wed, April 30, 2008. Today is Sat, May 3, 2008. So three nights. Talk about stress! Moved basically into a regular families home with two kids and a fighting Beta Fish. I'm starting to settle a little now, but being transfered around like a hot potato sucks. Hopefully I'll be here for the long term at least that's the plan. This is a kinda small house in an average neighborhood here in Eagan. My guess is around 1500 square feet of living space. Split level with a bathroom upstairs and one downstairs. The upstairs is the owners domain and we (me and two other clients) live downstairs. I got lucky and have my own room. We all get basic cable tv and they have a phone for the three of us to share. This place also has Internet access which I tapped into right away. The owner of the house said he would "allow" Internet access to the clients if we showed a sense of responsibility. One of the others here is a youngster and they always seem to be unruley. The other guy I had met before in a different home. So far it seems pretty cool here except the guy is being real tight with the food. I don't like that, I like to eat what I want when I want. That's not going to be the case here. I'm not sure exactly what's going on here yet but I'll be finding out. I'm going to sneek a few pictures and add them to this post later today, stay tuned.

IRTS (intensive residential treatment service) Theodore 1, Theo1, West St.Paul, MN 55118

Simon here! Just spent some time in an IRTS home in West St.Paul, MN 55118. This place is called Theodore 1. Pretty good place for sure. This place is clean with good food and good staffing. Of course every staff has it's idiots and Theo-1 is no exception; however, most of the staff at Theo-1 are professional and that's no small thing.

Theo-1 is a duplex with six bedrooms, four double rooms and two singles. They provide everything you need other than clothes and cigarettes. The coffee was blended with decaf and they run out of sugar every couple of weeks. No Internet connection for the clients but I guess you can get connected if you're creative. Theo-1 doesn't have a way to transport clients to meetings but there is a couple within walking distance. Right now the staff is consisted mostly of women. They have four part time men working there and they work nights and weekends. The part time staff help keep the place clean and dish out meds. The best counselor there is a woman named Janice, she's very knowledgeable and can be a big help, all you need to do is ask for it. Janice actually cares about the clients. I've been around a little and I can tell the difference between genuine concern and roll play. She's not bad looking either. Then there is the house staff, Mellisa and Clair. There are a couple others but their roll is hardly worth mentioning. Mellisa and Clair really make the place a pleasant experience. Mellisa was my favorite staff person. Mellisa is very intelligent and great to converse with. I liked Clair also, Clair is the nutritionist and plans all the meals. In my opinion Clair is a real beauty (literally).


Next in line is Shanon, I liked her but there were a couple of people I met that didn't ? Janice and Shanon facilitate all the groups so you get to know them right away. Then there's the program director, Kia. Kia keeps a low profile. The last one of any consequence is Sheri. Sheri does the intake interviews and well, Sheri could work on her people skills. Theo-1's program is centered around DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) which is a spin off from CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). DBT is like a breath of fresh air after being bogged down in a murky cloud of twelve step. Twelve step programs haven't kept up with the times. I think we know a lot more about addiction than we did 65 years ago. For some reason AA is as stiff as a board, unable to change as we gain more knowledge. The notion that Bill W's spiritual awakening is the only way to get sober and stay that way is simply ludicrous. Bill W's spiritual awakening was Bill W's. Twains Maxim: "You can't grow old following another man's road". More on that as we go; anyway, DBT actually has its roots in ancient Eastern philosophy and is worth every bit of a trial. Stay tuned.

Pathways half way house Rochester, MN, Womens program

Good morning sports fans! Just woke up myself, haven't got out of bed yet. Keep my computer near my bed; not much room in here but plenty. I'd tell you where I am but that would compromise my real identity. Not sure why I'm leery about doing that but for now I'll just keep it as is. Pathways women's program, don't know a whole lot about it besides the fact that it's right across the parking lot from the men's program. The smoking areas for both houses face each other across the parking lot. One of the rules there is that you can not talk to the women clients and the women clients can't talk to the men clients (residents). If you do you will be discharged, no exceptions. While I was there one of the younger guys there got narced on for talking to one of the girls at an AA meeting and they both ended up being discharged (kicked out). When they kick you out they give you like two hours to get your stuff and leave or they'll call the police to haul your ass out. Nice folks, huh? Assholes! You have to go to three AA meeting a week and there are several within walking distance of the houses and you always run into women from the other house but don't even say hello to them or you're out. Seems like there's always some kiss ass in the group that'll go running to the staff to get some brownie points. First night I was in Pathways one of the guys there tried to hang himself! That was OK, not against the rules I mean. He got a trip to the Mayo psych ward for a few days and then readmitted to The Pathways to hell. Anyway, just thought I'd mention the womens program and the fact that they're in the same boat. Cheers!

Pathways MI/CD, 613 2nd St. SW., Rochester, MN 55902

A little more on Pathways and then I'm gonna let it go. After the first 72 hour hold they put on you then you are no longer allowed to stay in the house after 9am. You have to leave and "go look for a job". I guess that's OK if you're looking for a job but in my case I was looking for help with my addiction problem, if I wanted a job I'd have one. Part of the whole problem with my stay there was my social worker from Dakota county. This guy knew I was looking for help in overcoming my addiction problem, I wasn't looking for a homeless shelter which is what Pathways is. Let me say that one more time, Pathways in Rochester is nothing more than a homeless shelter. They claim to be an MI / CD treatment facility but after they misled me on that, reality sets in after you've committed yourself to the program. If you're actually looking for help don't look for it there. I have a hard time believing my social worker from Dakota County didn't know what a dump Pathways is since he's been in the business a long time. His name was Duane and he sure is good at pretending to have your best interests in mind as he manages your case. He'll claim he has no idea the place is what it is and act just as surprised as you are. If you are from Dakota county and you end up with a guy named Duane as a case manager just make sure you do your homework and be careful. I'll never forget this experience, it was a nightmare. So, anyway, you have to be out of the house by 9am every morning during the week. If you go to downtown Rochester and see a bunch of homeless people wandering around with nowhere to go, chances are they are MI/CD residents of Pathways. It's probably not so bad in the summer but I was there in mid winter and it wasn't any fun getting booted out on the street every morning regardless of the weather conditions. Most of the guys living there end up hanging out at the public library just to stay warm. You can start wandering back to the house around 3pm. This place is charging the county big money for your stay there and they're supposed to provide you with three meals, so when you leave in the morning you get to take a bagged peanut butter and jelly sandwich with you for your lunch, while the staff cooks themselves up a good hot lunch at the counties expense and take most of the food home with them; part of the reason no residents are allowed to eat lunch at the house. It's all food provided by the counties for you and I. Just one of their many scams or perks. The community of Rochester is under the impression that Pathways is providing a good humanitarian service for the community. I just wanna say that I'd much rather be in Jail than Pathways. The one thing that's particularly hard to accept about the place is that once you've committed yourself to their program and end up dependent on the system, Pathways keeps you in line by constantly threatening to discharge you if you don't pretend to love the place and a word to the wise....never say anything negative about the way they run the program (if you can even call it a program). I'm willing to provide more info if anyone is interested just post a question but that's all I'm going to volunteer for now. Everyone have a good day and read up on Zen.

Pathways half way house Rochester, MN

Alright, here's what to expect if you are unfortunate enough to end up in Pathways. First off they search all your personal belongings which isn't unusual only in my case they did it while I wasn't present to watch. Oh well, no big deal, I had nothing to hide anyway. No cell phones allowed, no cell phone chargers allowed. While I was there a guy got caught with a cell phone charger and was immediately discharged, no phone, just a charger. First 72 hours you're confined to the house and that's pretty standard, no TV until 4:30 or so, can't remember the exact time. All the beds are on the second and third floors and you can't be anywhere upstairs after 9am which is when they do their ongoing searches of your personal belongings and check that you've made your bed and your area is neatly arranged. They have a little handout outlining the house rules but they are loosely written and you become aware of them by violation. You know how most of the time you just kinda skim over the rules so you have an idea of what's expected and let it go at that? Don't do that at Pathways; study the rules, abide by them to the extreme and don't be shocked when they come up with new interpretations of the rules everyday just to play with your head. If you end up there you'll see what I mean, the place is a real mind fuck. The humiliating part is the staff. The staff consists of a bunch of low level part timers who's other jobs are like shelf stockers at K-mart or burger flippers at some fast food place. These kids are the ones enforcing the rules and handing out warnings for violations, don't forget to take your hat off when you walk in the house or you'll have some dorky punk ass kid reprimand you for having it on in the house. Better to take it off before you walk in. They have rules there that defy any semblance of logic and the kids to enforce them too. I'll have more stuff on Pathways later, right now I gotta go, stay tuned.

Pathways in Rochester

Just happened to be thinking about this blog yesterday and thought it might be a good idea to post some useful info on here. A couple of relapses back I was brought to the ER at Fairview Riverside (good place) and ended up in the psych ward. I was deeply depressed and was entertaining suicidal ideations. Well, I ended up getting six ECT's (electro convulsive treatment) and was kept in their locked ward for around 10 weeks. I've gotta say I found Fairview Riverside which is part of the University of MN's medical campus, a pretty good place. They have a Chemical Dependency Treatment facility on site but this time around I wasn't admitted because of the suicidal ideation part. Their CD treatment facility is called Lodging Plus and it is also a good place. Lodging plus wouldn't take me so I was sent to a treatment place in Hudson, WI called Burkwood. Burkwood is licensed as an MICD (mental illness/chemical dependency) treatment facility, it's not bad but it is a private for profit facility and could be a lot better. Spent 28 days there and then they sent me down to Rochester to Pathways, what a nightmare Pathways is. If I were you and you ever find yourself having the option of going to Pathways, run and hide. Pathways is a for profit half way house and it's run like a jail/homeless shelter. Terrible place with unprofessional counselors and a staff mostly consisting of part time kids who are given total authority over the clients, nightmare. I was supposed to be there for 90 days and left after about 40. Just couldn't take it any longer and I've been known to handle some rough roads. Just do yourself a favor and avoid the place like the plague if you can. I can give more details if anyone is interested and I might anyway. Right now I have to go get my morning Meds.

Uptown AA

Haven't been there for awhile but there's a plan in the works. One of the other residents here wants to go one of these Thurs nights. Sucks not having a car but that's what happens when relapse grabs ya by the balls. Not feeling to good tonight so that's it for me. Catch ya later, maybe.

Robert St. West St.Paul

02/18/08
Robert St. West St.Paul, MN

MI/CD St.Paul, MN

Mentally Ill / Chemically Dependant, That's me, Simon. I'm just exactly that. I suffer from acute anxiety disorder and depend on alcohol for relief. I take plenty of medications including benzodiazepines. I sure would like to hear from you! This blog is set up for you, go ahead and post something, anything related to MICD that could be of help to people like us would be appreciated!

St.Paul

Hello fans, I'm currently staying in West St.Paul. An MICD treatment center in West St.Paul. Actually the nicest inpatient treatment center I've been in. The staff here are all relatively young, very pretty and professional women. A stark contrast to Pathways in Rochester which is a total shit hole half way house. There are plenty of rules here but none of them seem unreasonable. This place costs the county $2750 per month per patient. A full house here would be 10 and right now there are 8 patients. 90 day program. I'll be keeping this blog updated now that I have Internet access and a lot to say. I'm going to start posting pics soon also so keep com'n back for more.

Back in St.Paul

Well, I've been discharged from the hospital and back in St.Paul. I'm staying in an IRTS (intensive residential treatment services) home in West St.Paul. I'll be here for three months and then back on the loose. This time I plan on staying sober; same as all the other times but I really am getting sick of this merry go round. Alcohol is poison for me and so is the weed. I do have to admit one thing though, I've met some very interesting people I'd otherwise never encounter. Most of the people I've met are just operating on a different level than mainstream society. Looking down on the so called normal people. We're all insane.

Mayo Clinic, Genrose

Still here, what a trip. I have to alter my attitude considerably to accept this type of entertainment. It is pretty good if you can view it from the proper vantage point. The most interesting are the bi-polar patients, and the most fun to be around. The normal everyday depressed suicidal patients can be a little dull, such as myself. It is an eye opener though when you get to see just how many deeply depressed people are out there in the comunity. Thank god for places like this that can help us get better. Life can be a dark place at times, good thing most of us never have to experience the darkness.

Depression

Depression is a lonely place to be. Now we must bear the pain without the support of others, without their strength, without their presence. Now in the midst of our fear and anguish, we reach out and there is no one there. It is at this time of existential loneliness that we feel abandonded, empty and vulnerable. This is where we live.

Adaptative Overload

That's a new one. Just becoming overwhelmed be too much bullshit. I had this arguement with one of the many GED counselors I've had. But it's my belief that a human being isn't much different from many other animals in that hey, you can be broke. Like a dog that's lost it's spirit or a horse that's been broken. When a human being loses his or her spirit and interest in life the usual diagnosis is mental illness. Maybe not mentally ill, maybe just tired and had enough? Why is it not a fundamental right for a human being to end their life in the most humane way possible. What's with all this bullshit about mental illness when it comes to suicide?

OT/RT

Occupational therapy/recreational therapy, what a joke. Like little kids getting to go to art class where we can color with crayons, make little plaques and paint by numbers. Man, sure is wierd when you get this far down the road of addiction. I just wanna be left alone in my room to read but that's considered isolating and the nurses'll hownd the shit out of ya until you get out and socialize with the other nut cases. I think I've might of mentioned the fact that 12 stepping isn't working for me, so I've decided to study cbt as much as I can and maybe someday open up a CBT inpatient treatment program for addicts of all kinds. Not just chemically dependant addicts but for anyone addicted to anything. Later.

Hey all you addicts

Got any questions? I've got answers. I've been in the MI/CD world for awhile now. Actually not that long but I've been through a lot of shit. ECT's and just about every medication you can think of. Now I'm off to a state run group home. Good thing too, I can't be trusted and I'm surprised when it happens. I'm already trying to figure out a way to get a drink but I don't think I'm gonna give in to it this time. They finaly put me on a medication that just might be the solution, at least part of it. Doctors are very reluctant to prescribe medication that actualy works for some reason. I guess it's because they can be abused, so what, I mean street drugs and alchohol will kill you. So what if a prescription drug is able to make you feel better, it's either that or death for some of us. Anyway I'm in this psych ward and getting a little bored, hopefully I'll be moving on soon. Remember, if you have any questions regarding addiction and commitment this is the place to get answers. Simon.

biopsychosocial disease

Addiction and depression are biopsychosocial diseases, both are diseases of the mind, body and environment. If your depression is due to your addiction it is refered to as an organic mood disorder and will probably not need any other treatment than treatment for the addiction. Otherwise it is called a dual disorder and requires treatment for both the addiction and the depression at the same time and separately. Simon.

IRTS

Looks like I'll be going to an IRTS home somewhere in Dakota county. This is all court ordered. I'm hoping that the recently prescribed benzo will put an end to my drinking. I'm sure it will, that's been my problem all along, anxiety and panic attacks. Incredible what it takes to get treatment and medication for anxiety, but I finaly think I've got it. Now I'll be able to get on with my life.

Alrighty Then

Ok, finally, after all this trouble I finally just took a step in the right direction. First thing is I finally got the doctors to listen to me. Rather than let me die of alcohol poisoning they are finaly going to try to treat my anxiety problem. I guess I had to go where the real profesionals are, The Mayo Clinic (St.Mary's) in Rochester. Not only am I going to get medication for anxiety but they are also starting my on a program called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). After 5 years of 12 step programming that doesn't work for me and two near death relapses, I get the real thing. Right now I'm living in the psych ward in St.May's awaiting treatment. I've got people waiting to use this computer so I'll be back later.

yeeeeehaaa

oh crap, I'm in a funny place, just have to make the best of it. I relapsed twice now in a short time. I'm trying to get the doctors to help me but nope...... I guess I can see their point in a way but it's just wrong. They won't prescribe me any benzo's for anxiety. Weird, I guess they just don't do that anymore, too dangerouse. I'm supposed to be better off drinking vodka than getting benzo's. I really doubt it, but that's their position on the subject. I'm having trouble getting my daughter on the phone also, not sure what the problem is, but I'm sure their is a problem. I need a few things from my apartment and no way to get out of hear to get the stuff. Tomorrow I'm going to try to get a pass or something so I can get some of my stuff, dammit. Well anyway, I ended up spending a month at Fairview Riverside psych ward and now I'm in the Mayo Clinic Psych ward. What's up with that crap? It's me, wasn't kidding about my addiction problem. Well, me gonna go read and nap.

whoops

Hmm, I know it's been awhile but I'm back. Well kind of. I'm in Rochester psych ward in St.Mary's Hospital. Boom, twice in a row. No hope for me.