KMA

Haven't been doing too well lately. I guess I'm starting to get the fuck its again. Just waiting out my time. Seems like life has been going on a little too long for me. Birds are making a lot of racket outside. I live in a basement, in the back. I've got a window but I never raise the blinds. I know what's going on though, I'm a self proclaimed electronics genius and I've got a camera and microphone out in the front yard. It's one of the only things I watch on TV. One of the only things. The sun has been rising for the last half hour or so but not much else. I'm working on another camera I stripped out of an old cell phone, plan on putting that one in a park about two blocks from here, haven't given the details a lot of thought just yet, it will be a challenge.
I've been reading this book I got turned on to by one of my AA sponsors that committed suicide a few years back. It's a pretty thick book with pages as thin as they make. It's not an easy read. I've been reading it for at least three years. The book is supposedly authored by a guy named Jesus who's died a long time ago. It's a long story how this book materialised, maybe twenty or thirty years ago, so I won't go there, for now anyway. Anyway, one thing in it makes a lot of sense to me and that has to do with personal attacks on us from any of our brothers or sisters. Jesus says that we're all brothers and sisters and we're separated by something called the ego. Healing this separation and reuniting us as we ought to be is the premise of the book. A difficult undertaking at best. The ego continues to dominate us but if we follow a few simple directives we can overcome the ego. The problem here is, to get everyone to rid themselves of the ego so we can end the separation and be reunited with god. By the looks of things, it ain't happening anytime soon. Jesus also says that time doesn't really exist. But I won't get into that just yet either.
So here's the deal, I've been attacked. I also suffer from something called blunting. Blunting is psychiatric term used to describe a condition where someone lacks emotional reaction. A blunted person has no trouble understanding emotional reactions, he or she just doesn't feel them. Kind of like Spock on Star Trek. Not reacting emotionally to a verbal attack does not mean you don't recognise the attack, you do definitely make a mental note of it though and save the note for further analysis when the chaotic situation is over.
One of the major problems with this flat emotional affect is that the person on the attack will obviously see that their abusive comments aren't producing the desired reaction which provokes an escalation in the attack. Frustration and bewilderment are the end result for the attacker, while the blunted victim might say, "hey, this coffee seems to taste better than usual, should we have another round"?
I've given all the abusive comments I received during that one sided conversation some careful consideration. Trying to decide how I should react. I mean what would be the proper reaction and whether or not I should do what most people would. I spend most of my time trying not to act as others do just because that's the way others act. I do this because I realise that the great majority of people don't think for themselves, rather; they try to march in step with what has been taught to them by mass hysteria, social norms, cultural influence, and of course TV sitcoms.
Getting back to that book I was talking about, Jesus says that any attack on your brother is actually a cry for help. I'm going to go with that and offer my forgiveness. As for the cry for help, I only wish I could. If there is anything I can do I surely will, only thing I ask is that you don't forget that I am your brother and I'm not in the best shape.