A Synopsis of Depression

Simon Says:

Exploring Depression

When we stop running, we can begin to look at what is
happening with us. We may be terrified, but we can set aside our
fear for a moment. We can just explore the situation.
We may have had preconceptions about depression---but we will find that these are of no use to us, because they are nothing like a direct experience of depression itself.
In depression we are in a world we have never seen before. We may feel that we are different from other people. It can be as though everyone is speaking a language we don't understand. Our minds struggle to keep up with all that is happening around us. Even the air and light seem different from what we have known before.
Depression is not merely a deeper experience of our normal emotions of sadness, suffering, or grief. Those emotions are of course present. But depression is an experience entirely different, in both body and mind, from anything we have known before.
We need to learn the lay of this land called depression, both to help us find our way out, and to help us survive while we are here. The path out of here may be difficult, and may take us a while to find.
So it makes sense for us to get our bearings, and explore this territory we find ourselves in.
Intense emotions are present in us; hopelessness, worthlessness, and a profound and unexplained sadness. We feel that we are all alone. Thoughts of death intrude into our consciousness. We may even be obsessed with thoughts of suicide.
Our mind feels as though it isn't working right. It is difficult for us to form thoughts, to speak, even to make simple decisions. We feel a mental exhaustion, and our memory often doesn't seem to work. There is a slowing of our body and mind. Yet there is a speeding up of that voice in our head, screaming terrible things about us and the rest of the world. Depression robs us of our attention and judgement at the very time when we need them the most.
We also feel a physical exhaustion. We feel weighed down as though we are moving through water, or in heavy gravity. We move slowly and often feel that whatever it is we want to do, is not worth the effort. We may feel that all we want to do is sleep.
The world around us seems different. It's as though someone has slowly turned down the lights, until it is too difficult to see. All around us we see filth and decay, hopelessness and death. we are intensely attuned to the sadness in the world, both our own pain and the pain of others.
This place feels as cold and lifeless as the moon, and as deadly as the barren desert. Or it may be a dark, menacing, overgrown forest where we can't see any way out, or even know in which direction to turn. Or we may feel like we are at the bottom of the ocean, where no light can penetrate, we can't breath, and the pressure bears down hard on us.
Depression can come on slowly. It can be like the light fading at the end of the day: you hardly notice it until you can't see your hand in front of your face. Or it can be like walking in a thick fog; you don't notice how wet it is until you are soaked.
But we can't run away, so we have to stay. We pay attention to our thoughts, our desire to run, to forget about the pain. We have no choice, we stay and live with an awareness that others can hardly understand.
Depression is an illness, a disease of the mind, body and spirit. It interferes with our ability to see what's good about this life and to feel any hope for the future. It makes being alive feel like a curse. Yet we are afraid to run so we must stay and fight.