Simon Says:
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BroadWave Streaming Audio Server
by NCH Swift Sound Software.
Sorry, I've been a little busy lately and haven't made time to keep up with my writing. I'm in a constant state of recovery and spend most of my time with it. I should be trying to get some sleep tight now but feel compelled to update my blogs.
Things are going well with the DBT program only I was surprised to find myself being the only male in a group of about 15 or so women. That's just fine with me, can't complain. I know I've been getting better, I'm starting to feel like my mind is healing in some ways; however, my memory still isn't working worth a shit. I had a few ECT treatments a while back and they warned me that it would affect my memory but that it would be a temporary thing and nothing to be too concerned about.
Well I think it's been around 10 months now and I actually feel like my memory problem is getting worse all the time. I don't seem to have much trouble with little insignificant recollections but I'm constantly forgetting important significant things. I'm not going to give a bunch of examples right now but at times I think maybe I'm getting alzheimer's.
Oh well, It could just be a side affect of some of the medication I'm taking. I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist on Tuesday and we'll see what he thinks.
I was planning on making this a long post but I'm starting to doze off. I'll be back Sunday and finish updating.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Experimental post
Simon Says:
Audio Streamed by the
BroadWave Streaming Audio Server
by NCH Swift Sound Software.
OK, this is just a trial post. I keep experimenting with different things here. This is just a post to see if it satisfies the sponsor of my audio program.
Audio Streamed by the
BroadWave Streaming Audio Server
by NCH Swift Sound Software.
OK, this is just a trial post. I keep experimenting with different things here. This is just a post to see if it satisfies the sponsor of my audio program.
Monday, August 18, 2008
The Real Story on Alcoholism
Simon Say's:
Hey all, Seven months sober now as of August 10, 2008. They say it takes a year to begin to reverse the damage done by years of abuse. In my case it may be longer, throughout my adventures I've come to realize that I've been exceptionally abusive. Three suicide attempts has left my brain a little more damaged than the average.
For the uninformed out there I wasn't visiting the psych wards because I was a little intoxicated. I was there because I almost died and had no intention of giving up that quest. Practice makes perfect. I don't believe in the old saying that suicide is a "Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem". I don't care how temporary depression is supposed to be, for me it's been a permanent condition. Start throwing anxiety attacks on top of the depression as well as other disorders and there's no way you can tell that person that things are going to improve.
I've been attending group therapy for health and wellness for the last couple of months and now I'm moving on to a different group. This time it's DBT, 12 hours of outpatient therapy every week for as long as it takes. DBT is not new to me, I participated in a 90 day inpatient DBT treatment program not too long ago. DBT stands for Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and it's based on Eastern philosophy. Mostly Zen Buddhism which I'm totally into so I fit right in. It's a new alternative to the old drudgery of 12 step programs and the main premise is to build a life worth living. I start my first group tomorrow afternoon. One informative note I would like to add here is that DBT is something you have to actively seek and demand once you're in the mental health system, otherwise you'll end up in a 12 step program which I'm not totally dismissing; however, it hasn't worked well for me.
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic and you probably aren't one either. What I am is a man with a lot of different mental illness issues whose only legal relief came out of a bottle. I find it a little amazing that as intelligent as our species has become it still is blind in many areas. Alcoholism is definitely over diagnosed. It's an automatic diagnosis to anyone who self medicates with alcohol, when for a lot of people the alcohol is only a symptom of wide variety of other illnesses that go untreated because of simple ignorance of our medical professionals and education institutions. As a person aware of this condition it's nearly impossible to convey this small tidbit of knowledge to our societies medical professionals. In many cases it's due to the narcissistic nature of Md's.
I do believe that 12 step programs can be of a lot of help to the real alcoholic, ( a person with a psychological and physical obsession with alcohol). On the other side of the same coin I don't believe the 12 steps of Alcoholic's Anonymous are of much use to the mentally ill. Depression, anxiety attacks, episodes of mania are mental illnesses, not obsessions with alcohol. Most people suffering from these illnesses but in varying degrees. When these illnesses become so severe that they interfere with a persons ability to march in step with the masses, then you have a problem that needs to be treated like any other illness. The sad fact is that these illnesses are too often ignored if the individual suffering from them has used alcohol for relief. The immediate diagnosis (knee jerk) is alcoholic. The tragedy is that these people often end up dead.
I've come a long way. I too had many misconceptions about mental illness and therefor understand the ignorance that pervades our society. Most people will never develop their knowledge on this subject until the day they begin to realize that it doesn't just happen to other people. One day they may wake up and find it almost impossible to get out of bed.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
The Good Life
Simon Says:
I shoud've left this blog 100% anonymous, but I didn't. No biggie really, I guess. I'm a total, 100% loner. I wasn't always that way, just got tired of dealing with all the bullshit that comes with socializing. People are so damned out of touch with reality I can't take it any more.
The truth is, we're only here in this life for a short time and every moment is different from the last one. Weather you make big money at your job or have the most impressive credentials really doesn't mean shit. What's important is how you live your life, taking the time to look around, finding those little treasures that everyone else is too busy to see. Trying to solve some of the many mysteries that make up our world.
The average American spends all their time working to impress others, working so they can have a nicer car than the neighbors. Putting all their efforts into developing a higher social standing. Manicuring their lawns, dressing up their homes, constantly seeking the approval of others in the same boat.
When the days comes that you are old, weak and totally dependant on others to keep you alive and you are ready to breath your last breath; then at that moment you will come to realize that you've wasted your whole life doing nothing. You've accomplished nothing, you've made no contributions to society that'll have a lasting affect. You've done nothing and you worked your ass off doing it. Congratulations and Adios.
Monday, August 11, 2008
The Truth as I see it Today
Simon Says:
OK, here's what's been happening lately. Tonight I went to an AA meeting here in Minnesota (the land of 10,000 treatment centers). I go to a lot of
meetings and I look at them all as place to practice my public speaking skills, and of course to get support in recovering from some of my addictions. I just
got home a few minutes ago which is way beyond my curfew. This curfew is a house rule that I tend to violate every now and then. So anyway I made a little
speech tonight on my theory regarding substance abuse. I thought I'd enter it here for all.
Most substance abusers, by substance I'm referring to chemicals, are riddled with fear of one thing or another. It doesn't really matter what your fear is focused on. It's just a simple fact that fear lurks there somewhere. Hmmm, let me back up a little.
We all have at least two personalities. Our sober personality and our intoxicated personality. Our intoxicated personality is always there in the background, suppressed by by what Sigmund Freud referred to as our "super ego". The super ego is sometimes referred to as the father figure or our perception of what is right and wrong, our conscience or moral beliefs.
We've all seen the cartoons where the main character struggles with two separate entities sitting on his opposite shoulders. One is telling him to behave
in one particular way and the other is telling him to behave in the opposite way. These two entities are our two personalities and in different situations either one could be professing the proper action. The ego or self (our thinking mind) must chose which course of action best fits the situation at hand.
Now here's where the problem comes in. The addicts sober personality doesn't have the ability to perform either action at will. It can only behave in one way and that particular way may not be the best course of action for every situation. This may not be true for everyone but I have come to the conclusion that this is my mode of operation. When my ego realizes that my intoxicated personality is better suited to deal with the situation or event which it finds itself in then it unleashes that personality the only way it knows how, and that is to unlock its cage with the key of intoxication. When my intoxicated personality is cut loose my sober personality becomes the one locked up. There's no way for me to work with both of them at the same time, it's either one or the other. Once the intoxicated personality is out, everything changes. What was a situation that my sober self had a difficult time dealing with, my intoxicated self handles with ease. For me the intoxicated self is much more aggressive and fears almost nothing. If my ego believes that aggression and destruction are needed for survival it takes this course of action and in my case it rarely, if ever, has failed me.
The big problem with unleashing this facet of my personality is that it knows no bounds and the destruction can go way beyond that what is necessary, causing pain and suffering in it's wake. Once the dust has settled and the intoxicated personality returns to its cage the sober personality is once again cut loose and in some of the more extreme cases has no knowledge of what the intoxicated self has done.
As the sober self begins to see what all has taken place the super ego begins it's work of condemning the actions of the intoxicated self. This condemnation manifests itself in the form of anxiety, feelings of guilt and shame. These feelings of condemnation then lead to depression which can be unbearable and only effect the sober ego.
The solution for relief? Let the intoxicated self out again, because the intoxicated self is not affected by the punishing actions of the super ego, in fact the super ego has no control over the intoxicated self. Thus begins the long term presence of the intoxicated ego which takes over as the predominant condition which the ego must maintain in order to avoid the punishing manifestations of the super ego. The longer the intoxicated ego is allowed to rein the more of the super ego's ideals are violated.
The super ego has no power over the intoxicated ego and can only impose punishment on the sober ego. The intoxicated ego's ability to remain uncaged are limited and eventually has to return to the cage to rest. As the sober ego emerges from the cage it is hit with the full brunt of the super ego's punishing wrath. This punishment can be so severe it can result death.
OK, here's what's been happening lately. Tonight I went to an AA meeting here in Minnesota (the land of 10,000 treatment centers). I go to a lot of
meetings and I look at them all as place to practice my public speaking skills, and of course to get support in recovering from some of my addictions. I just
got home a few minutes ago which is way beyond my curfew. This curfew is a house rule that I tend to violate every now and then. So anyway I made a little
speech tonight on my theory regarding substance abuse. I thought I'd enter it here for all.
Most substance abusers, by substance I'm referring to chemicals, are riddled with fear of one thing or another. It doesn't really matter what your fear is focused on. It's just a simple fact that fear lurks there somewhere. Hmmm, let me back up a little.
We all have at least two personalities. Our sober personality and our intoxicated personality. Our intoxicated personality is always there in the background, suppressed by by what Sigmund Freud referred to as our "super ego". The super ego is sometimes referred to as the father figure or our perception of what is right and wrong, our conscience or moral beliefs.
We've all seen the cartoons where the main character struggles with two separate entities sitting on his opposite shoulders. One is telling him to behave
in one particular way and the other is telling him to behave in the opposite way. These two entities are our two personalities and in different situations either one could be professing the proper action. The ego or self (our thinking mind) must chose which course of action best fits the situation at hand.
Now here's where the problem comes in. The addicts sober personality doesn't have the ability to perform either action at will. It can only behave in one way and that particular way may not be the best course of action for every situation. This may not be true for everyone but I have come to the conclusion that this is my mode of operation. When my ego realizes that my intoxicated personality is better suited to deal with the situation or event which it finds itself in then it unleashes that personality the only way it knows how, and that is to unlock its cage with the key of intoxication. When my intoxicated personality is cut loose my sober personality becomes the one locked up. There's no way for me to work with both of them at the same time, it's either one or the other. Once the intoxicated personality is out, everything changes. What was a situation that my sober self had a difficult time dealing with, my intoxicated self handles with ease. For me the intoxicated self is much more aggressive and fears almost nothing. If my ego believes that aggression and destruction are needed for survival it takes this course of action and in my case it rarely, if ever, has failed me.
The big problem with unleashing this facet of my personality is that it knows no bounds and the destruction can go way beyond that what is necessary, causing pain and suffering in it's wake. Once the dust has settled and the intoxicated personality returns to its cage the sober personality is once again cut loose and in some of the more extreme cases has no knowledge of what the intoxicated self has done.
As the sober self begins to see what all has taken place the super ego begins it's work of condemning the actions of the intoxicated self. This condemnation manifests itself in the form of anxiety, feelings of guilt and shame. These feelings of condemnation then lead to depression which can be unbearable and only effect the sober ego.
The solution for relief? Let the intoxicated self out again, because the intoxicated self is not affected by the punishing actions of the super ego, in fact the super ego has no control over the intoxicated self. Thus begins the long term presence of the intoxicated ego which takes over as the predominant condition which the ego must maintain in order to avoid the punishing manifestations of the super ego. The longer the intoxicated ego is allowed to rein the more of the super ego's ideals are violated.
The super ego has no power over the intoxicated ego and can only impose punishment on the sober ego. The intoxicated ego's ability to remain uncaged are limited and eventually has to return to the cage to rest. As the sober ego emerges from the cage it is hit with the full brunt of the super ego's punishing wrath. This punishment can be so severe it can result death.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Audio Server
Simon Says:
Looks like I'm having a little trouble with this audio server. I guess that's the way it goes when you try and get by without spending too much. I have a few audio clips that I'd like to be able to stream and eventually I'll get it straightened out.
I've been reading a really good book on the Zen way of dealing with depression and I'd like to recommend it: "The Zen Path through Depression", by Philip Martin. I haven't finished it yet, but so far it seems the main premise is to be the observer and try not to resist your feelings, rather examine your feelings and discover what it is that your mind is trying to communicate to you. My interpretation may be different than yours though so I recommend reading it for yourself.
I've been going through a lot of therapy, group and individual. I've been participating in group therapy for years now and at first I couldn't see how it could be of any help. Now I'm beginning to realize that slowly over time I am changing my outlook. I didn't want to be labelled as having a mental illness and therefor resisted seeking help for it. Seeking help is the first step to acceptance and the only way out. Must be careful though, there are different routs one can take and they go in very different directions. For me getting caught up in court ordered treatment centers and half-way houses is not the way to go! These places are not in the business of helping people, rather they are in the business of making money and I think we all know what that means.
I'm in a good place now, very professional and am making some progress. I'm beginning to see that I've been living in a world of negativity all my life, a world that we all live in. There is another way though one that I have a hard time seeing. I have a hard time seeing it because it is not the main stream society of America. I believe we have to find different sub cultures to be healthy. Anger, greed or jealousy and fear are the cause of most of our pain and suffering. Our capitalistic society thrives on these three basic emotions. We have no choice here, we must make a living and therefor be competitive. Our private lives however, need to be lived in a different way.
Looks like I'm having a little trouble with this audio server. I guess that's the way it goes when you try and get by without spending too much. I have a few audio clips that I'd like to be able to stream and eventually I'll get it straightened out.
I've been reading a really good book on the Zen way of dealing with depression and I'd like to recommend it: "The Zen Path through Depression", by Philip Martin. I haven't finished it yet, but so far it seems the main premise is to be the observer and try not to resist your feelings, rather examine your feelings and discover what it is that your mind is trying to communicate to you. My interpretation may be different than yours though so I recommend reading it for yourself.
I've been going through a lot of therapy, group and individual. I've been participating in group therapy for years now and at first I couldn't see how it could be of any help. Now I'm beginning to realize that slowly over time I am changing my outlook. I didn't want to be labelled as having a mental illness and therefor resisted seeking help for it. Seeking help is the first step to acceptance and the only way out. Must be careful though, there are different routs one can take and they go in very different directions. For me getting caught up in court ordered treatment centers and half-way houses is not the way to go! These places are not in the business of helping people, rather they are in the business of making money and I think we all know what that means.
I'm in a good place now, very professional and am making some progress. I'm beginning to see that I've been living in a world of negativity all my life, a world that we all live in. There is another way though one that I have a hard time seeing. I have a hard time seeing it because it is not the main stream society of America. I believe we have to find different sub cultures to be healthy. Anger, greed or jealousy and fear are the cause of most of our pain and suffering. Our capitalistic society thrives on these three basic emotions. We have no choice here, we must make a living and therefor be competitive. Our private lives however, need to be lived in a different way.
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