Shorty

Short note, just to let you know I'm still here. I've agreed to go to the Burnsville mall with a couple of friends. Yes, I said "friends", been working on that. Never really made much of an effort to have friends, but I've been advised to do so by my therapist. I really don't feel like going anywhere but I guess that's where the effort part comes into play.
I posted a little rant on one of my other blogs and thought I'd share it here:

Ok, Things change. People are so damned impatient it's a wonder anything of true value ever gets accomplished. I find it extremely annoying when people want things the way they want them right this minute, and have no sense for long term accomplishments. It's a sure sign of american cultural contamination. People have no concept of procedure and the true nature of accomplishment. It's simply impossible to be what you want or have what you expect, immediately. You have to go through a process, which means starting out wading through knee deep bogs of shit and slowly climbing up out of the stink. The frustrating thing is the way people view you while you're in the shit. They are so cought up in their cultural beliefs that they perceive you as frozen in time. There's an old term (uniformatarianism) which is normally applied to scientific views of the earth and universe but I feel it's applicable in this context. Some People with academic credentials in one field of study, actualy believe it qualifies them as experts in just about every subject. At least they believe their opinions carry more weight than those of others, who've actually lived knee deep in the subject. The opinions of the real experts are discounted only because they don't have a college degree in basket weaving. This concept is simply ludicrous. I just wish the basket weavers didn't feel so compelled to preach on subjects on which they have no knowledge.

One more:


Yep, Decoration Day (Civil War). Today we call it Memorial Day. That'll be Monday of course. The last Monday in May. This year it's the 26th. Couldn't think of anything to start out with and then I remembered that tomorrow is Memorial Day. Most people have forgotten that Memorial Day is more than the traditional start of Summer. If you click on the heading to this post you can refresh your memory. Otherwise just go have a picnic or something. I always feel a little guilty about not going to Ironwood and visiting my Dad's grave, but I find Ironwood to be a little repulsive.
Ironwood is a town full of ignorant, "has beens" and will be for a long time. I just hope those people don't spread out too far, don't need that element in main stream society. It's not just Ironwood, MI it's the entire UP of MI. Anyway, I'm probably the only former resident that feels that way so no cause for concern. I may sneak up there some day before I die, just to say adios in my own twisted way.
I've been advised to break up my ramblings into smaller paragraphs, but that means shortening my thoughts into smaller expressions. I always thought a paragraph maintained it's integrity as long as it stayed on topic. My research indicates no definitive rule and that different writers have different techniques. I will take the advise however. A doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient.
Today, I had brunch with my brother (coffee) at Starbucks, I don't drink coffee much anymore, just on special occasions. My new beverage of choice is green tea and I've figured out a way to make it that can't be beat. I've got a fairly fancy coffee maker and one day I thought I'd try to make my tea with it, works great. You know how green tea is normally weak looking, kinda clear with very little color. My tea comes out as dark as coffee and It tastes great, not to mention all the positive health Benefits. You've got to get authentic green tea though (ryokucha) from the Camellia Sinensis plant. I've been drinking at least three cups a day. Just make sure you brush your teeth after, tea is worse than coffee when it comes to staining your teeth.
I've come to the conclusion that I am not an alcoholic, there are reasons why I had a problem with alcohol and alcoholism isn't one of them. I've had enough education on the subject to warrant a PhD. There is a problem with low level perception though and that's that anyone who has consumed mass quantities of alcohol is an alcoholic. I've got news for those of you who still believe that myth. Yes there are alcoholics and they have uncontrollable urges to drink, but on the other side of the same coin there are people that only drink because of anxiety and depression issues. The latter are not alcoholics, they are people that are self medicating mental illness issues. The idiots in the medical profession can't seem to figure out the simplest diagnosis. My experience with many doctors is that they lack the ability of deductive reasoning. Actually their problem is fear based, as long as they follow ridged protocol they feel a certain sense of safety and are unwilling to deviate. And alcohol does not kill brain cells. I guess this is really a topic for one of my other blogs so I'll just leave it at that. Stay tuned, I'll be back.

Denial (this is a link you know)

Ok,Simon here, Sinamin is a friend and is going to be more involved developing this blog for awhile. I'm sure anyone who stops by here has some helpful knowledge to share, please take a moment and participate, the smallest bit of knowledge could be a lifesaver for someone doing battle with addiction, depression, anxiety disorders and mental illnesses of a million different varieties. I'm hoping this blog or whatever it becomes will be a useful tool for those of us living the subculture of addiction. I'm trying to share all I know, which is a lot, but definitely not totally comprehensive. I notice that I'm getting a fairly steady increase in visitors but no one has yet to offer any useful information. If one were to look at the statistics on drug and alcohol addiction you would think a great many people out there have experience that some of the rest of us could use to improve our lives and I'm adamantly convinced of it. The question is how do you get people to care about others suffering parallel experiences. Most of us addicts exist under the same dark and gloomy cloud and the only way to clear the air is by helping each other.
I'm not sure if I'm suffering from delusions or not but lately I'm beginning to think that addiction isn't really the problem, addiction is just a symptom of other issues which plague us. Issues which we feel hopelessly condemned to endure because of social pressures to keep them hidden. I'm getting real tired of all this "social norms" bullshit and the stigmatising of what are referred to as "outliers" in mathematical statistics. I say fuck'em, if the majority of the population wants to march to the beat of the same drummer then they will always live a life of pretentiousness which over time will wear them down to brainless followers and some will just be so miserable they will prematurely die of some self induced disease. I do believe that our minds have the power to initiate self destruction in the guise of some incurable terminal illness. This is the future of the people who get caught up in the mass hysteria of social pressure to behave in unnatural ways to avoid condemnation from their neighbors. Very sad, and I have no doubts when it comes to this pathetic nature of our society.

Park Nicollet Clinic

Hey, Sinamin here. Yesterday was a pretty good day, got a major issue taken care of, transportation. At least I have some now, not an ideal medium; however, better than begging others for rides all the time. Today I have an appointment with a Dr. David von Weiss @ Park Nicollet Clinic in Eagan. Once again I'm going to have to plead my case for my medication, Klonopin. What a hassle, but I've no choice here, the alternative is not acceptable. Not right now anyway, don't feel like giving up having come this far. I've no reason to believe it won't be another hassle, but I'll let you know how it goes later. Funny thing is I'm court ordered to stay on my medication?
Mary, the woman that lives here just informed me that she is going to make breakfast and I'm invited to indulge. I'm not really hungry and I'm trying to shed a few pounds I managed to acquire while in treatment. She was a little persistent so I caved.
I think I've mentioned Avalon, I'm going to start outpatient treatment there on Monday, I'm sure that'll be a trip. I'm going to be keeping you updated on that venture also, anything to do with my addiction problem for now. I've become a relative group therapy professional and I actually am beginning to enjoy these things. I wanna start posting some audio soon, slowly researching the podcast thing. I'm building a new computer but it's slow going given my limited resources(money). I'm trying to build a micro server so I can actually host my own blogs and web pages and allow other clients to maintain databases on it. Don't know what I'm doing, but I learn as I go. Part of my recovery is to develop hobbies along with a social network. Progress has been slow but steady. Six months ago I didn't want to live any more, today I'm giving life another go. Must be partly due to the medication which I have to constantly do battle with the medical pros to maintain. they're going to kill me yet. So far though; I'm maintaining sobriety and that means I'm surviving. I have to be careful not to start sinking into my natural state of depression which is where I just get tired of all this. I kinda think Mary upstairs is a little lonely at times. I'll be back later today, practice mindfulness while I'm gone, do some research on Zen and Buddhism.

Benzodiazapines

Hi world. Welcome back to the real world. Benzodiazepines are a class of drugs designed to relieve anxiety and anxiety attacks. Anxiety disorder/chronic severe depression, that's my diagnosis. I was pretty young when I discovered that alcohol works great for anxiety and so the natural tendency would be to use alcohol to relieve anxiety. This is a common problem among alcoholics and addicts of all types. A lot of us aren't really alcoholics and drug addicts at all. We are just people with a mental disorder who've discovered a chemical that offers relief. The problem here is a simple one and the solution is even simpler; however, the paradoxical nature of this whole thing is phenomenal. Once a person gets labelled as having a history of abusing alcohol or drugs, the medical protocol is to never prescribe that person any medication that might have addictive properties. This makes absolutely no sense to anyone with an IQ above 90. If on the other hand, you don't have a history of abusing drugs and alcohol ( I don't understand why society wants to separate alcohol from the drug classification) there is absolutely no problem getting medication to help you with anxiety and or anxiety attacks. I fact doctors are more than willing to prescribe these drugs to someone who either hasn't admitted to drug abuse or just hasn't had the opportunity to discover the medicinal efficacy of street drugs when it comes to anxiety. That leaves the "drug abuser" in a very difficult situation to which there are few solutions, other than to continue to seek relief soliciting illegal street drugs and risking some fairly serious consequences. Like dirty drugs, characters of questionable moral ethics, dangerous situations of the life threatening variety, and the police and prison. All because of medical protocol for denying medication to the people who need it most. Funny part of this whole equation is you would think that a doctor would be intelligent enough to recognise the damage being done to the person whom they deny medication. I actually had one dumb ass write me a prescription for AA meetings? Very fucking funny.

Avalon Treatment Center MI/CD Eagan, MN 55122

Ey all of you big strong men, uncle Sam needs your help again. Lyric from days gone by. Anyway, Sinamin here. I got out today, outside I mean. Lately I don't do that much. Today I had to, by order of the supreme court, I went to a place called Avalon in Eagan. Another substance abuse treatment center, outpatient. Had to do a CD assessment to appease the powers that have infiltrated my life. Looks like I have a substance abuse problem after all? I'm still trying to get over the shocking news. Not sure why their address is posted all over the place as 1971 Seneca Rd, the place is actually 1230 Eagan Industrial Rd. suite 100. If you click on the link heading on this post it'll direct you to a pdf file on the place. Had my assessment done by a guy named Phil Burton. Pretty nice guy I guess, got his training through Hazelden. Hazelden preaches total abstinence, which means no meds. One of the main reasons I have problems with AA. I'm all for any medication that can keep me from using alcohol or any other crazy self medication i can get my hands on. The big paradox with meds is once you get tagged as an addict it's almost impossible to find a doctor willing to medicate you for anxiety (benzo's). They'll give you SSRI's 'till they're coming out of your ass, but nothing that'll really treat the real problems. I actually had to plead my case in front of the psychiatric board of mental health at the Mayo clinic in Rochester to get a prescription for Klonopin? This just ain't right. Once again I had to defend my use of a benzo this afternoon to another substance abuse counselor, getting rather tired of it. Truth is, there are a lot of addicts out there self medicating (dangerously), with a wide variety of illegal street drugs, risking an unimaginable variety of consequences when all they need is the medical society to pull their heads out of their asses and treat the mental illness issues that haunt us. So what if the medication is addictive, so is alcohol and meth and crack. At least the meds are legal and if they didn't make it so difficult to get them there would be a lot of lives saved, a lot fewer innocent people overcrowding our prisons and a lot less taxpayer's money being wasted on mentally retarded law enforcement personnel. Well, today I was sentenced to three days a week, outpatient treatment, three hours a day for like 20 weeks.

AFC (adult foster care) Eagan, MN 55122

Adult Foster Care (AFC) homes are residential settings that provide 24-hour personal care, protection, and supervision for individuals who are developmentally disabled, mentally ill, physically handicapped or aged who cannot live alone but who do not need continuous nursing care.
OK now, that's where I've ended up this time. This is my first experience with a long term adult foster care facility. I've been here since Wed, April 30, 2008. Today is Sat, May 3, 2008. So three nights. Talk about stress! Moved basically into a regular families home with two kids and a fighting Beta Fish. I'm starting to settle a little now, but being transfered around like a hot potato sucks. Hopefully I'll be here for the long term at least that's the plan. This is a kinda small house in an average neighborhood here in Eagan. My guess is around 1500 square feet of living space. Split level with a bathroom upstairs and one downstairs. The upstairs is the owners domain and we (me and two other clients) live downstairs. I got lucky and have my own room. We all get basic cable tv and they have a phone for the three of us to share. This place also has Internet access which I tapped into right away. The owner of the house said he would "allow" Internet access to the clients if we showed a sense of responsibility. One of the others here is a youngster and they always seem to be unruley. The other guy I had met before in a different home. So far it seems pretty cool here except the guy is being real tight with the food. I don't like that, I like to eat what I want when I want. That's not going to be the case here. I'm not sure exactly what's going on here yet but I'll be finding out. I'm going to sneek a few pictures and add them to this post later today, stay tuned.

IRTS (intensive residential treatment service) Theodore 1, Theo1, West St.Paul, MN 55118

Simon here! Just spent some time in an IRTS home in West St.Paul, MN 55118. This place is called Theodore 1. Pretty good place for sure. This place is clean with good food and good staffing. Of course every staff has it's idiots and Theo-1 is no exception; however, most of the staff at Theo-1 are professional and that's no small thing.

Theo-1 is a duplex with six bedrooms, four double rooms and two singles. They provide everything you need other than clothes and cigarettes. The coffee was blended with decaf and they run out of sugar every couple of weeks. No Internet connection for the clients but I guess you can get connected if you're creative. Theo-1 doesn't have a way to transport clients to meetings but there is a couple within walking distance. Right now the staff is consisted mostly of women. They have four part time men working there and they work nights and weekends. The part time staff help keep the place clean and dish out meds. The best counselor there is a woman named Janice, she's very knowledgeable and can be a big help, all you need to do is ask for it. Janice actually cares about the clients. I've been around a little and I can tell the difference between genuine concern and roll play. She's not bad looking either. Then there is the house staff, Mellisa and Clair. There are a couple others but their roll is hardly worth mentioning. Mellisa and Clair really make the place a pleasant experience. Mellisa was my favorite staff person. Mellisa is very intelligent and great to converse with. I liked Clair also, Clair is the nutritionist and plans all the meals. In my opinion Clair is a real beauty (literally).


Next in line is Shanon, I liked her but there were a couple of people I met that didn't ? Janice and Shanon facilitate all the groups so you get to know them right away. Then there's the program director, Kia. Kia keeps a low profile. The last one of any consequence is Sheri. Sheri does the intake interviews and well, Sheri could work on her people skills. Theo-1's program is centered around DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) which is a spin off from CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). DBT is like a breath of fresh air after being bogged down in a murky cloud of twelve step. Twelve step programs haven't kept up with the times. I think we know a lot more about addiction than we did 65 years ago. For some reason AA is as stiff as a board, unable to change as we gain more knowledge. The notion that Bill W's spiritual awakening is the only way to get sober and stay that way is simply ludicrous. Bill W's spiritual awakening was Bill W's. Twains Maxim: "You can't grow old following another man's road". More on that as we go; anyway, DBT actually has its roots in ancient Eastern philosophy and is worth every bit of a trial. Stay tuned.