Self Destruction

Simon Says: Well anyway, Vicki was never really into me, she just found me convenient. Took me for a few bucks but we had fun. I imagine I'll hear from her again if she really needs something but I'm through with that. Too bad because I liked her a lot, finally found someone who liked to get fucked up like I did but everything when we both sobered up. I guess that's all we really had in common. I still like her but there's no future in our relationship, at least not if we are going to stay sober and that's my plan right now. Like I said, I ended up in Regions psych ward several times while I was living in that dump of a hotel, the “Economy Inn”. I lived in that damn hotel for almost four months. Spending all my money on alcohol and crack within the first two weeks of every month and then suffering for two weeks until I got paid again. I was lonely, I missed Vicki, and I was scared. I would be so broke for two weeks every month I had to walk to Dorthy Day's to eat and couldn't even afford smokes. Dorthy Day's is a homeless shelter where they feed you for free, it's right across from the Excel Energy Center and was about a mile walk for me. It was getting to be December and I didn't even have a warm coat, I would freeze my ass off when I would walk to the shelter to eat. I would get so depressed I could hardly get myself to walk down there but I knew I had to eat something. I lost a lot of weight and knew I was sick. As soon as I would get paid I would start all over, get as fucked up as I could until I ran out of money and go through it again. I was getting so fucked up I would hallucinate and then when I would sober up because of lack of money I would shake so hard that I couldn't even hold a glass of water up to my mouth to get a drink. I couldn't stop myself from this pattern of slow suicide. On top of all this shit I didn't go to court for my DWI and assault charges and there was a warrant out for my arrest. Vicki would call me once every couple days for awhile and she could tell I was sick, don't blame her for disappearing on me. I had totally isolated myself, no one associated with me knew where I was or what I was doing. I had lost my phone and bought a new one with a different number. The only person who knew my phone number was Vicki. I didn't have computer access so I wasn't answering any emails. I just totally dropped out of sight for about five months. Every time I saw a cop I would freak out because of the warrant for my arrest and the possibility that I had been reported as a missing person by my daughter or my parents. One day I was at Dorthy Day's eating and I met a homeless woman who was eating at the same table as me. I was sober enough to get fed (they won't let you in if you're drunk or fucked up) so I could at least talk, even though I was having a hard time hitting my mouth with a fork. I guess I was having a moment of clarity as they say in AA and I felt I had to make contact with my daughter and let her know I was still alive. I asked the woman who’s name was Missy if she knew where a library was so I could use a computer and send my daughter an email. She was nice enough to take me to the Public Library which wasn't that far of a walk. I got to use a computer and I sent the email. I can't remember what I said but I just wanted her to know I was still alive and I gave her my new phone number. I didn't get a call from her but the next day I went back to the library to check my email and she had responded with her phone number. My daughter was about to get her PhD from the University of Minnesota and she had to defend her thesis to the faculty at the University as a last requirement. She knew I was sick and I wouldn't be able to attend the ceremony. I wasn't even invited because she knew I wouldn't be able to make it. I was so depressed I wanted to commit suicide, for real. It seemed my whole life was upside down and it was. A week later I got paid again and I resumed my pattern of self destruction. Something was going on in my mind because during a black out and I was always blacking in and out of consciousness I called my daughter and asked her for help. I knew I was going to die if I didn't get some help and consciously I didn't care. I really don't know why I called but I did and a little while later she showed up. She gathered up my things which didn't amount to very much and she brought me to Fairview Riverside Hospital on the UofM campus. I had so much alcohol and crack in me I didn't care what was going on. She brought me in through the ER and they put me in the ICU (intensive care unit) to detox me. I think I spent at least a week in the ICU and they detoxed me with ativan which made detoxing fairly painless. From there they put me in there chemical dependency inpatient program which I had been through twice before. I think I just wanted to get out of the rut I was in living in that hotel and Dorthy Day's because I wasn't done yet. I made it through their 21 day treatment program and that's where I met this guy named Scott. This binge wasn't even close to being over and I'll carry on with the story in my next post.