AA Alternative

Simon Says:
Today, uneventful to say the least. Walked down to the store to get some munchies and smokes and that's about it. I'm still in the throws of depression along with the anxiety attacks. I had to take a klonopin just to walk down to the store. I call this small waves within the big wave. I believe that in general I'm on an upswing in my mood but while riding the big wave there are smaller ups and downs along the way. Right now I'm in one of those smaller slumps. I'm desperately trying to avoid alcohol and situations where alcohol is in the picture. That makes me an isolator for now but my hope is to slowly regain my mental health and level off somewhere above the bar of depression and anxiety. If I end up leveling off below the bar I don't see my future as being very bright. My mission right now is to find an alternative to AA. I gave AA my all for around ten years and could never reach that point where I was happy or felt that feeling of joy that so many other long term sober people seem to achieve. That being my situation I sometimes find it a little aggravating trying to participate in AA activities and pretending I'm having a great time. Laughing and smiling a lot seem to be a required part of their program. There just seems to be something a little unnatural about the whole thing. My personal impression is there is a type of hysteria involved in AA groups and some people like me aren't affected by it. Those people that are inclined to jump on bandwagons end up fitting in just fine. I'm not saying it doesn't work, I'm saying it doesn't work for everyone and some people want it to work so badly they are willing to play along, hoping that eventually they will have that spiritual awakening and experience the happy, happy joy of sobriety. Fake it, 'til you make it, is their saying. That works for some people too. My Quest for the moment is to find a different solution, one that works for me.


I'm going to see a therapist in a couple weeks as condition of my commitment. You can go through a whole drawer full of therapists before you find one that works for you. Finding one that works for me isn't a condition of my commitment, only that I see one. This will be the second one since I was put on this stay of commitment. I'm nearing the end of it, I think maybe one month left. Then all I have to deal with is my probation. That was for two years, 18 months left. My plan is to stay sober from now on, no matter what it takes. That's what I'm saying right now but I also have to add the fact that when going through a prolonged anxiety attack all those resolutions can change. I just have to faith in my medication and therapy. I also have to have faith in my higher power which is an AA thing. Seems like I tend to waffle when it comes to my higher power but I do believe there's something to it.


One of my IDDT counselors suggested I check into a program called Health Realization or The Three Principles. I did some browsing around on the internet and decided to buy a couple of books on The Three Principles. They should get here in a few days.