Getting Sober

Simon Says:
I've been living here for about three months now, two of them sober. It isn't easy getting used to living sober and alone. It's quite a shock to my mind and body. For me to get my life back I'm going to have to walk the straight and narrow line of sobriety. I believe it's true what they say about alcoholism and addiction they are both progressive diseases. I've reached the point where I just can't use anymore. When I do I might feel good for a short time but then I get sick and the only cure is to use some more. That will go on until I need to be hospitalized to detox. Well we all know how it goes.


Meanwhile, as a condition of my commitment I have an assigned social worker and an ARMHS (Adult Rehabilitative Mental Health Services) worker. Also I'm on probation for two years and along with that comes a probation officer. They've got me by the short hairs. I've got close to $3000 in fines for the DWI and other charges. It's going to be awhile before I get my fines paid off so I can get my drivers license back. When I was living with all my using friends I could always get rides to the store and shit, but now I have to rely on buses and cabs. It's a complete change in lifestyle I'm going through. At times I want to go back to the way I was living but to do that would be suicide. I don't want to end up homeless and sleeping at Dorthy Day's. So I'm complying and staying sober. The hardest part of staying sober for me is dealing with my mental illness. I've been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder. I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior but it's my diagnosis which makes me gravitate towards drugs and alcohol as a way of self medicating. There are medications for anxiety but once you've been diagnosed as chemically dependent it can be very difficult to find a psychiatrist that will prescribe anti anxiety medication. The only thing that works is a medication called benzodiazepines. Benzodiazepines are considered addictive and psychiatrists are extremely reluctant to prescribe them to anyone with an addictive personality. I'm sure I've written about this before but it's a real pet peeve of mine. I believe that most alcoholics suffer from anxiety disorders and for some reason medical protocol dictates that alcoholics not be medicated for anxiety disorder. You can find psychiatrists that agree with me but you have to be persistent in your search for one. No matter how hard it is you have to remain sober for awhile before you try to get medication for your anxiety. Benzo's are what they use to detox people off of alcohol. Usually ativan or valium. These medications are used during detox to help prevent the patient from having seizures. The other two most common benzo's are xanax and klonopin. There are several others but these are the most common. I'm taking 1.5mg's of klonopin every day and I just recently was able to convince a psychiatrist to prescribe them to me. I had two years of sobriety before my last relapse and at the time I was taking 2mg's of klonopin every day. I had no problem's staying sober but for one reason or another I stopped taking the klonopin and I gradually slipped into a full blown relapse that lasted for a year and a half. Now I'm back on my medication and I'm gradually starting to feel better again. I also am taking celexa for depression and another anti anxiety drug called buspar. I don't really think the buspar helps much but I'm afraid to stop taking it to find out. Buspar is one I've never taken before but it was prescribed to me by the psychiatrist at Regions as an alternative to benzo's. The only thing that really works for sure are the benzodiazepines. If you or someone you know can't stop drinking have them read this. Then do some research on anxiety disorders to see if anxiety isn't your real problem. Alcohol is a symptom of and a way of self medicating anxiety. You have to realize though that if you do quit drinking a lot of other things in your life will change too.


If you've been drinking for a long time I'm sure your whole lifestyle has revolved around drinking alcohol. All your social activities probably involve alcohol. People with anxiety disorder need alcohol to be sociable. I guess there are people that drink alcohol in social situations that don't need it. They can take it or leave it and these are the people that probably don't have anxiety issues. But if you're the type that always has to have a few drinks to feel comfortable then you probably have social anxiety which I think is the most difficult because as you get older you will need more and more alcohol to feel comfortable in social situations. After awhile you will drink too much and do and say things you will regret. Then the line between just feeling comfortable and total intoxication becomes thinner and unpredictable. For me too much alcohol would actuate a complete personality change. When I would sober up I would have anxiety attacks as I would revert back to my old personality. I couldn't believe some of the things I'd done and said while drinking and that would just feed my anxiety even more. Of course the easy cure for this anxiety is alcohol. I've taken this cycle to the extremes and always ended up needing to be detoxed in hospitals. I guess what I'm doing right now is what AA'rs call white knuckling it. I've been sober now for 67 days without the help of AA. I've been to a couple of AA meetings but that's it. I've been involved with AA for at least ten years and obviously it hasn't been working for me. I've seen it work for some but I guess everyone is different. I've seen people put their complete faith in the AA program and carry their big books around like bibles. There's a lot of good things in the 12 steps of AA but I believe that the issue of anxiety needs to be addressed for some people and I'm one of those people.


The lifestyle changes that come with sobriety aren't easy. All your friends use alcohol or drugs and it will feel awkward trying to hang out with them sober. I guaranty it, at first you will be able to continue living the way you're used to, going to parties and outings with your old friends and they'll be cool about you're not drinking or using. If your sobriety lasts you'll find that gradually your old friends will feel uncomfortable hanging out with you. Maybe the only thing you had in common was getting drunk or high together. In the beginning no one will think your sobriety will last and they will go along with it. Slowly things will change and that's one of the reasons it's so difficult to stay sober for long. Well for a lot of sober people that's where AA comes in. You will have to start hanging out with other people trying to stay sober and that's where the fellowship of AA can come into play. Hanging out with sober people just ain't the same. If you haven't done anything about your anxiety issues your just not going to have a great time going to sober picnics, sober parties etc. It's just not the same as when everyone is getting buzzed and having a good time. It's not easy to feel loose at a sober party if you have social anxieties. You just must deal with your anxieties any way you can. Whether it be counseling, medication, or both. You should also find an AA group that you like and attend the meetings on a regular basis so that you get comfortable being around the group. Then when they have fellowship activities you can have a good time without getting buzzed up. I don't believe in the 12 steps so much but I'll play along as I work on my sobriety. It's OK, because as they say in AA, everyone works their own program, take what works and leave the rest. Maybe for you the 12 steps will be enough, but for me I tried it and it didn't work.


There is another way and plenty of people have taken this route. Sober up, do nothing about your social anxieties and become a social introvert. I believe there are many people like this. They just stop drinking or using drugs, go to work every day and don't participate in any social activities. A kind of isolated life. At work they usually are quiet, do their job and go home at the end of the day. They may have families that keep them busy but they don't do much else. If they are happy then more power to them. But there are those who take this route that don't have families to keep them busy, maybe they are divorced or just single. Maybe they are retired and don't have jobs. They stay sober but aren't happy. There may be mental health issues. I don't believe this kind of sobriety is very healthy. We all need social contact and activities to stay healthy. I believe there are many alcoholics living in this kind of isolation and you don't want to be one of them. I will be talking more about this in later postes.