Depression and Anxiety

Health Realization and The Three Principles

2011-12-27T22:16:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:

Finally, Christmas is over and I survived sober. Just seemed like another day to me. Almost forgot it was Christmas but then remembered and called my mother like I always do on the holidays. My daughter also visited me yesterday from California which was a real treat since I haven't seen her in almost a year.

On the 23rd the books I ordered on the Three Principles arrived. I ordered “The Enlightened Gardener”, “The Enlightened Gardener Revisited” and “The Missing Link”, all written by Sydney Banks. I tried doing some research on the guy but couldn't come up with much. Sydney Banks died in 2009 and it's my understanding he was just an ordinary working class man that had a profound spiritual experience about 37 years ago and dedicated the rest of his life to spreading the word of his experience. Originally called Health Realization, at his request it is now referred to as The Three Principles. The Three Principles are: universal mind, universal consciousness, and universal thought. The concepts are supposed to be so simple that they can't be explained in words. Mr. Banks does the best he can by using metaphors. There are several books and DVD's for sale on the subject. The Three books I just read on the subject are clearly written but they left me pondering the real meanings. One thing for sure is that you should let your past go and get on with living today. The past is gone and no longer exists, don't let negative experiences of your past define who you are today and when the thoughts of your negative experiences of the past come along do your best to let them go and recognize that they are just thoughts, not your current reality. I know there is a lot more to this and I'm going to continue to research it until I'm satisfied. The concept is supposed to work on all forms of mental illness and addiction.

Sydney Banks On The Three Principles

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!

AA Alternative

2011-12-21T21:40:00.000-06:00

Simon Says:
Today, uneventful to say the least. Walked down to the store to get some munchies and smokes and that's about it. I'm still in the throws of depression along with the anxiety attacks. I had to take a klonopin just to walk down to the store. I call this small waves within the big wave. I believe that in general I'm on an upswing in my mood but while riding the big wave there are smaller ups and downs along the way. Right now I'm in one of those smaller slumps. I'm desperately trying to avoid alcohol and situations where alcohol is in the picture. That makes me an isolator for now but my hope is to slowly regain my mental health and level off somewhere above the bar of depression and anxiety. If I end up leveling off below the bar I don't see my future as being very bright. My mission right now is to find an alternative to AA. I gave AA my all for around ten years and could never reach that point where I was happy or felt that feeling of joy that so many other long term sober people seem to achieve. That being my situation I sometimes find it a little aggravating trying to participate in AA activities and pretending I'm having a great time. Laughing and smiling a lot seem to be a required part of their program. There just seems to be something a little unnatural about the whole thing. My personal impression is there is a type of hysteria involved in AA groups and some people like me aren't affected by it. Those people that are inclined to jump on bandwagons end up fitting in just fine. I'm not saying it doesn't work, I'm saying it doesn't work for everyone and some people want it to work so badly they are willing to play along, hoping that eventually they will have that spiritual awakening and experience the happy, happy joy of sobriety. Fake it, 'til you make it, is their saying. That works for some people too. My Quest for the moment is to find a different solution, one that works for me.

I'm going to see a therapist in a couple weeks as condition of my commitment. You can go through a whole drawer full of therapists before you find one that works for you. Finding one that works for me isn't a condition of my commitment, only that I see one. This will be the second one since I was put on this stay of commitment. I'm nearing the end of it, I think maybe one month left. Then all I have to deal with is my probation. That was for two years, 18 months left. My plan is to stay sober from now on, no matter what it takes. That's what I'm saying right now but I also have to add the fact that when going through a prolonged anxiety attack all those resolutions can change. I just have to faith in my medication and therapy. I also have to have faith in my higher power which is an AA thing. Seems like I tend to waffle when it comes to my higher power but I do believe there's something to it.

One of my IDDT counselors suggested I check into a program called Health Realization or The Three Principles. I did some browsing around on the internet and decided to buy a couple of books on The Three Principles. They should get here in a few days.

AA, staying sober and possible alternatives

2011-12-17T00:11:00.000-06:00

Simon Says:
Right now I'm one of those socially introverted people I was talking about in my last post. I'm from Eagan and I've made a couple of moves in the last couple of years. I've ended up in West St.Paul where I don't know anyone and I really don't know my way around much. I know Robert St. pretty well and I guess that's good enough. I go to the Downtown St.Paul Alano Club now and then for AA meetings but not enough to get to know anyone. I just ain’t into it anymore and I get a little tired of alcoholic’s that keep putting on the “happy, happy, joy, joy” act all the time. Then there are the alcoholic's that take the program way too seriously for me. Big book thumpers they're called and I think I talked about them in one of my earlier posts. AA has a thing called sponsorship and everyone in AA is supposed to get a sponsor. A sponsor is supposed to help you work through the twelve steps and be kind of a mentor as you go through all the lifestyle changes that come with sobriety. I've had sponsors and I've been a sponsor but now I'm rethinking the whole AA thing. I'm guessing I'm looking for something different, an alternative to AA. I've watched my latest sponsor transform from a pretty cool sober dude to a full fledged big book thumper and I'm not so sure I liked what I saw. His whole life revolves around AA and I just don't know if that's for me. In reality, I was headed down that road when I fell into my last relapse. I cant debunk it all the way though because it has kept my last sponsor sober and he seems to be happy with his life. This is a guy that was just as bad off as me and he's managed to stay sober for five years now. I still go to an occasional AA meeting with him and we still get along pretty well, I'm just not sure if AA will work for me as well as it has for him.

I'm seriously considering alternatives to AA. There are a few but I've never really looked into them. A little research on the internet will turn up quite a few. The one I'm thinking about checking into is called Health Realization or the Three Principles. I don't know enough about this program to make any comments on it but my intention is to find a local group and try it out. When I do I'll be reporting on my experience. I have to go to a weekly IDDT (Integrated Dual Disorder Treatment) group as a condition of my commitment. It was one of my counselors in that group that suggested I check into the Health realization program. I have done some reading about it and apparently it has a better track record than AA. My personal belief is that AA's track record isn't very good at all. It's supposed to be a program of honesty and spirituality. I once was at an AA meeting where a guy who had claimed 25 years of sobriety finally fessed up to smoking marijuana the whole time. This particular group had what they call a group conscious vote and voted to let him maintain his status of being sober for 25 years. I've got nothing against weed but it makes me wonder how many others in AA are being less than honest about their sobriety. Technically in AA you're not allowed to substitute another drug to replace alcohol and still claim to be sober. That's where that term cross addiction comes in and I know a lot about that. I was one who voted to let him keep his 25 year claim to sobriety because in my opinion weed pales in comparison to the adverse affects of alcohol. I do know that weed raises hell with your lungs though, I have a couple of friends that have lung problems after very long term use of marijuana. I used to smoke the shit a lot but after awhile it would trigger panic attacks every time I smoked it. The only time I could smoke it was if I had plenty of alcohol to stave off the panic attacks.

Today was pretty boring for me, didn't do much but since I've been trying to stay sober that's been par for the course. I did have to go see my probation officer today and that sucks ass. I've got to take a cab there every month because the bus just isn't an option. I have to go to the court house for these meetings and it's pretty much the same thing every time. He just wants to know if my status has changed and whether or not I've been staying sober. Oh, and I have to report any contact I might have had with the police. I think we could do these meetings over the phone but he wants to eyeball me to see if I might be lying.

Getting Sober

2011-12-13T02:30:00.000-06:00

Simon Says:
I've been living here for about three months now, two of them sober. It isn't easy getting used to living sober and alone. It's quite a shock to my mind and body. For me to get my life back I'm going to have to walk the straight and narrow line of sobriety. I believe it's true what they say about alcoholism and addiction they are both progressive diseases. I've reached the point where I just can't use anymore. When I do I might feel good for a short time but then I get sick and the only cure is to use some more. That will go on until I need to be hospitalized to detox. Well we all know how it goes.

Meanwhile, as a condition of my commitment I have an assigned social worker and an ARMHS (Adult Rehabilitative Mental Health Services) worker. Also I'm on probation for two years and along with that comes a probation officer. They've got me by the short hairs. I've got close to $3000 in fines for the DWI and other charges. It's going to be awhile before I get my fines paid off so I can get my drivers license back. When I was living with all my using friends I could always get rides to the store and shit, but now I have to rely on buses and cabs. It's a complete change in lifestyle I'm going through. At times I want to go back to the way I was living but to do that would be suicide. I don't want to end up homeless and sleeping at Dorthy Day's. So I'm complying and staying sober. The hardest part of staying sober for me is dealing with my mental illness. I've been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder. I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior but it's my diagnosis which makes me gravitate towards drugs and alcohol as a way of self medicating. There are medications for anxiety but once you've been diagnosed as chemically dependent it can be very difficult to find a psychiatrist that will prescribe anti anxiety medication. The only thing that works is a medication called benzodiazepines. Benzodiazepines are considered addictive and psychiatrists are extremely reluctant to prescribe them to anyone with an addictive personality. I'm sure I've written about this before but it's a real pet peeve of mine. I believe that most alcoholics suffer from anxiety disorders and for some reason medical protocol dictates that alcoholics not be medicated for anxiety disorder. You can find psychiatrists that agree with me but you have to be persistent in your search for one. No matter how hard it is you have to remain sober for awhile before you try to get medication for your anxiety. Benzo's are what they use to detox people off of alcohol. Usually ativan or valium. These medications are used during detox to help prevent the patient from having seizures. The other two most common benzo's are xanax and klonopin. There are several others but these are the most common. I'm taking 1.5mg's of klonopin every day and I just recently was able to convince a psychiatrist to prescribe them to me. I had two years of sobriety before my last relapse and at the time I was taking 2mg's of klonopin every day. I had no problem's staying sober but for one reason or another I stopped taking the klonopin and I gradually slipped into a full blown relapse that lasted for a year and a half. Now I'm back on my medication and I'm gradually starting to feel better again. I also am taking celexa for depression and another anti anxiety drug called buspar. I don't really think the buspar helps much but I'm afraid to stop taking it to find out. Buspar is one I've never taken before but it was prescribed to me by the psychiatrist at Regions as an alternative to benzo's. The only thing that really works for sure are the benzodiazepines. If you or someone you know can't stop drinking have them read this. Then do some research on anxiety disorders to see if anxiety isn't your real problem. Alcohol is a symptom of and a way of self medicating anxiety. You have to realize though that if you do quit drinking a lot of other things in your life will change too.

If you've been drinking for a long time I'm sure your whole lifestyle has revolved around drinking alcohol. All your social activities probably involve alcohol. People with anxiety disorder need alcohol to be sociable. I guess there are people that drink alcohol in social situations that don't need it. They can take it or leave it and these are the people that probably don't have anxiety issues. But if you're the type that always has to have a few drinks to feel comfortable then you probably have social anxiety which I think is the most difficult because as you get older you will need more and more alcohol to feel comfortable in social situations. After awhile you will drink too much and do and say things you will regret. Then the line between just feeling comfortable and total intoxication becomes thinner and unpredictable. For me too much alcohol would actuate a complete personality change. When I would sober up I would have anxiety attacks as I would revert back to my old personality. I couldn't believe some of the things I'd done and said while drinking and that would just feed my anxiety even more. Of course the easy cure for this anxiety is alcohol. I've taken this cycle to the extremes and always ended up needing to be detoxed in hospitals. I guess what I'm doing right now is what AA'rs call white knuckling it. I've been sober now for 67 days without the help of AA. I've been to a couple of AA meetings but that's it. I've been involved with AA for at least ten years and obviously it hasn't been working for me. I've seen it work for some but I guess everyone is different. I've seen people put their complete faith in the AA program and carry their big books around like bibles. There's a lot of good things in the 12 steps of AA but I believe that the issue of anxiety needs to be addressed for some people and I'm one of those people.

The lifestyle changes that come with sobriety aren't easy. All your friends use alcohol or drugs and it will feel awkward trying to hang out with them sober. I guaranty it, at first you will be able to continue living the way you're used to, going to parties and outings with your old friends and they'll be cool about you're not drinking or using. If your sobriety lasts you'll find that gradually your old friends will feel uncomfortable hanging out with you. Maybe the only thing you had in common was getting drunk or high together. In the beginning no one will think your sobriety will last and they will go along with it. Slowly things will change and that's one of the reasons it's so difficult to stay sober for long. Well for a lot of sober people that's where AA comes in. You will have to start hanging out with other people trying to stay sober and that's where the fellowship of AA can come into play. Hanging out with sober people just ain't the same. If you haven't done anything about your anxiety issues your just not going to have a great time going to sober picnics, sober parties etc. It's just not the same as when everyone is getting buzzed and having a good time. It's not easy to feel loose at a sober party if you have social anxieties. You just must deal with your anxieties any way you can. Whether it be counseling, medication, or both. You should also find an AA group that you like and attend the meetings on a regular basis so that you get comfortable being around the group. Then when they have fellowship activities you can have a good time without getting buzzed up. I don't believe in the 12 steps so much but I'll play along as I work on my sobriety. It's OK, because as they say in AA, everyone works their own program, take what works and leave the rest. Maybe for you the 12 steps will be enough, but for me I tried it and it didn't work.

There is another way and plenty of people have taken this route. Sober up, do nothing about your social anxieties and become a social introvert. I believe there are many people like this. They just stop drinking or using drugs, go to work every day and don't participate in any social activities. A kind of isolated life. At work they usually are quiet, do their job and go home at the end of the day. They may have families that keep them busy but they don't do much else. If they are happy then more power to them. But there are those who take this route that don't have families to keep them busy, maybe they are divorced or just single. Maybe they are retired and don't have jobs. They stay sober but aren't happy. There may be mental health issues. I don't believe this kind of sobriety is very healthy. We all need social contact and activities to stay healthy. I believe there are many alcoholics living in this kind of isolation and you don't want to be one of them. I will be talking more about this in later postes.

My Story

2011-12-10T22:46:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:
You know I just realized I forgot to mention what happened to Kathy. I kept in touch with her all the while I was going through all that bullshit up in Blaine. Us finding an apartment together just didn't turn out to be practical. She ended up getting a room in the Continental Hotel. The Continental is in Minneapolis and it's a hotel that I believe is subsidized by various counties to provide housing for the homeless and MICD patients. I went to visit her there a couple times and it turned out to be disaster. While I was staying at Mike's waiting for Rick to come back from AZ I took a bus from Blaine to Minneapolis to see Kathy. The first time I went to see her she wanted me to bring a bottle of vodka. You're not supposed to bring alcohol into the Continental but once again I made a stupid decision and figured I could smuggle a half pint in with me. We drank that and then she wanted more so we took a walk to the liquor store and this time I bought a liter and was able to smuggle that back to her room. We played around for awhile and then somehow I fell asleep in her bed. I had overslept and missed the last bus back to Blaine. That was my first thought then I noticed that Kathy was gone. Overnight guests are not allowed at the Continental and I was beginning to panic. I was thinking that maybe I could crash there anyway, who would know. But where was Kathy? I looked around her small apartment and didn't find anything that might indicate where she had gone. I sat on the bed trying to figure out what I was going to do when I got the idea to look in her closet. I opened the door to the closet and there she was, passed out on the floor naked. I managed to get her into her bed and she was totally incoherent. I kept trying to wake her up and finally she looked at me and said I'm diabetic and I'm dieing. Her cell phone kept ringing and I had been just ignoring it. This time I flipped it open and it said Mom. I answered it an handed it to Kathy and she was talking with her mother and I couldn't really understand what she was saying. Then someone started pounding on the door. I didn't know what to do but I had to think fast, here I was in a sober shelter, I'd been drinking and Kathy was passed out on the bed trying to talk to her mother. I hid the vodka bottle and opened the door. It was a hotel manager wanting to check on Kathy because her mother had called them concerned because Kathy wasn't answering her phone. I didn't know what to do, whatever was going to happen was going to happen.

The management dude called for the paramedics and they showed up pretty quick. I told them what she had told me, that she was in a diabetic shock. I don't think they believed it, they just figured she had too much to drink and they were probably right. They loaded her up in an ambulance and off to Hennepin County Medical Center they went. I stayed there until the ambulance left and then I had to think about my problem. I had no way to get home and didn't have much money. I figured I was going to have to hang out on the streets all night until the morning bus started running. I walked around for awhile thinking and then I called Mike to let him know I was going to be stuck in Minneapolis all night. One of Mikes buddies (dope dealer) was there and he said he would come pick me up but it wouldn't be for a few hours. I went to the Minneapolis Convention Center and told him to pick me up there. At least it was warm out and a few hours later the guy showed up and picked me up. I was a little surprised he showed up but I guess I had spent a lot of money on his shit and he was cool. I met a hooker on the street and she kept me occupied while I was waiting. She kept trying to get me to buy a blowjob but I didn't have the money. Finally I got picked up and I ended up hanging out with this dude and his girlfriend for a couple hours and then he dropped me off at Mikes. I went to visit Kathy one more time a few weeks later but she was passed out when I got there. She was sicker than me when it comes to alcohol and after that we just kinda let it go. I haven't heard from her since then. I did like her but she was too flaky for me. That's why our plans to get an apartment together faded out. I hope she gets better because otherwise she was a nice girl.

Now back to where I left off. Consider that last little story about Kathy a sidebar. So I was in my new apartment, off my medication and drinking heavily. Not according to my plan at all, alcohol was dominating my life again. My social worker showed up and tried to convince me to go back to the hospital. I knew that's what I had to do all along so I agreed to go back to Regions. I wasn't so sure they would admit me because this scenario was like a broken record with increasing frequency. Regions had no idea that I had been admitted to Fairview Riverside since the last time I was in Regions. At the time I was so sick none of that seemed to matter anyway. I was admitted to Regions and back in the psych ward again. When I started thinking clearer I realized my rent was due and I couldn't pay it from the hospital. I had to go through the humiliation of calling my landlord and telling them that I was in the hospital and couldn't pay my rent until I got out. They were pretty cool about it and didn't even ask why I was in the hospital. I just had to pay an additional $50 late fee when I got out. That was a relief, I tend to blow everything out of proportion, I think. Then I started worrying about the fact I was going to have to face some sort of consequences because of my stay of commitment. Turned out that because my commitment was from Fairview Riverside my hospitalization at regions wouldn't come up on the radar unless my social worker was to alert the courts and he didn't. Then because I'd ended up in Regions so many times they might just file for a commitment too. I don't know how that would work but it didn't happen. Regions just got me back on my meds and stabilized. In less than two weeks I was back here in my apartment. This time I didn't buy any vodka, stayed on my meds and have been sober now for a little over sixty days.

I've cut all my ties with my old using friends, I just disappeared. I don't answer my phone if they call and I don't answer my phone if I don't recognize the caller's number. I've been occupying my time writing this story with plans to revive this blog and get it back on track. The last few months haven't been easy for me, I'm not used to living alone and it's been awhile since I've been sober. I must say that this time around getting sober has been more difficult than in the past. Like I said it's been a little over sixty days and I still feel like I'm going through withdrawals. It's been pretty lonely here with no one to talk with and no car. I've got to rely on buses and cabs to get around and that simply sucks. I've been smoking cigarettes like crazy and watching a lot of TV. I know it ain't going to be easy but I just can't keep living like I've been doing for the last couple years. It's going to be a long rough road to recovery but I'm determined to make it. The story I just told you is the short version and I feel like I've aged ten years in two. I don't know what I'm going to do next but whatever happens, happens. Right now my main objective is to stay sober, it's going to be awhile before my brain heals meanwhile I'm going to just keep working on this blog. I still feel slightly ill all the time and there's been many times when I've considered having a drink or picking up the phone. So far for sixty days now I've been good. I've been a little worried that my probation officer is going to find out about my last two slips but so far he hasn't. He freaks me out a little every time I meet with him because he always asks if I drank any alcohol or used any drugs and I always say nope. There's a lot of things I need to do to fix up this blog but I've been spending all my time writing this story. I felt it important to fill the gap since I last fell off the planet up to the present day.

If you happened to land on this page of my blog and want to read my story from the beginning you'll have to go back around ten posts and start there.

An Alcoholics Story

2011-12-09T23:59:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:
I just continued doing what I always did while living there, smoking meth, drinking vodka and tweek'n out on my little electronic projects. Got into playing a couple of video games too. The two people that Mark left there would come to my room and we would party while I kept tinkering with my electronic crap. Any tweeker will tell you that there's something about electronic junk that seems fascinating when your smoking meth. I can't remember how long they stayed there but it seemed like maybe a week. One day Jim (I'll call him Jim cause I can't remember his name) ran out of meth and asked me if I could get him some. I said sure, so I called up this dope dealer I knew and an hour later he shows up with a teener. A teener is 1/16th of an ounce. I brought it downstairs for Jim and we were going to smoke some only Jim didn't have a bubble. A bubble is a glass pipe you use to smoke meth with, I think I explained all that in one of my earlier posts. By the way, if your reading this and want to read the whole story you've got to go back maybe ten or so posts where I started telling this story, it's kinda long but a lots happened to me since I was last actively posting to this blog.

Anyway I went upstairs to get a bubble and and all of a sudden there's a loud bang at the kitchen door, followed by more consecutive loud smashing bangs and then I heard someone yell, “this is the police open up”. We were being raided by the cops and it seemed like it took them about ten seconds to smash the kitchen door open. I was standing in the hall upstairs with the bubble in my hand. At the end of the hall is a bathroom and the door was open so I took the bubble and through it as hard as I could into the bathroom. The pipe shattered in the bathroom and by the time I turned around the cops were storm troop'n the house. I stepped back in my room and didn't bother closing the door. I didn't even have time to sit down when a couple of cops charged in my room and started yelling at me to get down on the floor. They had their guns out and they were pointed right in my face. I was kind of expecting this was going to happen one of these days so I never kept any shit in my room, just alcohol. They handcuffed me and brought me into the living room where the girl had been all along. They made us sit on the couch together and I was worried about Jim downstairs, I had just handed him a teener and I wasn't sure if he was smart enough to get rid of it quick enough. A couple minutes later they brought Jim upstairs and had him sit on the couch along with me and his sister. The place was swarming with cops, I would guess maybe fifteen of them. I just sat on the couch with my mouth shut. Jim's sister was drunk and was giving the cops a little shit now and then. Telling this story is making me nauseous. They wouldn't let us watch them search the house and they tore it completely apart. They trashed the whole place and took a bunch of stuff. I guess it was stuff on their stolen property list. They were there looking for both drugs and stolen property. The whole raid was because of Mark getting busted with a truckload of stolen property. The cops got a search warrant to search his place of residence for more stolen goods and while they were at it they were searching for methamphetamine and paraphernalia. They didn't find any drugs or paraphernalia but they did find a lot of stolen property. I think they were there for a little over two hours and they left. They left with the stolen property but didn't charge us with anything. So the raid was over and the house was completely trashed. I needed a drink and I had one, a big one. I was thinking that they could have arrested me because I was the only one there that actually lived there. I was really surprised when they gave me a copy of the search warrant and a list of items they confiscated and then just left.

I called Mike and the dude that brought the teener over after the cops left. I called the dope dealer to find out if he didn't have an encounter with the cops as he left the house. He said no, didn't see a thing. I don't think we were set up but the cops were probably watching the dope dealer too. What would be a better time to raid the house than just after he left. I put my room back in order and that's it, I just left the rest of the house as the cops left it. Jim said he threw the teener in the water softener so we went to check for it. The cops had looked in the water softener because the lid was off, there was no salt in the water softener, just water. The teener wasn't there, it would've been floating on the water being in a tiny zip lock baggy. I didn't know what to think about that, either Jim was bullshitting me or the cop that found it kept it and didn't say anything. I'm thinking the cop took it for his own use. All this time Rick is still in the psych ward and Mark is in Jail. Mark is a convicted felon and I don't think he'll be out anytime soon. A couple of days went by and nothing changed. Then the bitch from hell shows up, Mush and she says she's moving back in. She's being really nice to me but wants Jim and his sister to get out. Actually she say's that her mother wanted them out and she wasn't nice about it. I just went back to my room and continued getting fucked up. Jim and his sister left and I stayed there for a few more days by myself. Mush and her boyfriend stopped by every now and then moving their shit in. I guess they were moving back in, that meant I was moving out. I didn't know where I was going to go but I knew I wasn't going to stay there. Mike would stop by every now and then and we would get high together, then one day while leaving the house he got pulled over on his bike. Mike got arrested on his warrant and off to jail he went. I spent a few days getting totally toasted trying to figure out where I was going to go next. Rick got released from the psych ward and we hung out for a couple of days but the whole time I was trying to figure out a way to leave. I didn't have a car and that made it tough, besides I was toasted most of the time and once again I couldn't stop drinking. Every time I looked at Ricks sister I would get pissed but there was nothing I could do. Finally I reached the end of my rope and I called my old AA sponsor and told him I needed help. I told him where I was and told him I needed a ride to the hospital to detox. I hadn't talked to my old AA sponsor in about a year and a half, just before I fell off the wagon and got into all this shit. He said to sit tight and he would come get me and we both knew where I was going, back to the hospital. I was pretty fucked up when he got there and I had a fresh bottle of vodka. We sat and talked for a few minutes and I continued drinking. Then we left for the hospital, I didn't take anything with me, we just walked out the door and got in the car. I didn't want to go to Regions because I'd been there too many consecutive times in the past few months. I wanted to go to Fairview Riverside so that's where we went.

I had really hard time detoxing in the hospital. I was dope sick and detoxing from alcohol at the same time. Once I was detoxed I was put in the psych ward again and this time the doctors petitioned the court to have me committed. I had to go to court for the commitment and the sheriff picked me up at the hospital and drove me to court. I'm not even sure what court house I was in but the judge gave me a stay of commitment which is like being on probation only maybe a little worse. In my case it was a good thing. When you get on a stay of commitment they assign you a social worker and you have to cooperate and comply with the social worker's recommendations. When they thought I was well enough to be released from the psych ward I was brought right to Theo1 for MICD (mentally ill chemically dependent) treatment. I'd been through treatment there before as you know if you've read my earlier posts. While I was in treatment at Theo1 I had to go to court for that DWI I talked about earlier. Actually I had several charges and I think I got lucky because they combined all the charges into one and gave me ten days in Jail and two years probation. While I was in Theo1 I fucked up and smoked some weed with another dude going through treatment there. I knew they could UA me any time but I'd never been UA'd there in the past. The next day after smoking the joint they UA'd me. I told them right away that my UA was going to be dirty and by some weird coincidence they UA'd the guy I smoked the joint with at the same time. I don't usually believe in coincidence and I'm thinking someone saw us. I don't know why but the other guy didn't want them to know we smoked together so I lied and told them I had smoked it with someone else. I don't think it really mattered who or where only that I was in treatment on a commitment and I got caught smoking weed. It was a little weird because I've been in a similar situation in the past and I ended up in front of a judge getting my commitment extended for another six months. This time nothing happened, they told my social worker about it and they just let it go. I guess smoking a joint was kind of mild compared to what I was committed for. They let the other dude go too, no consequences. Then one day this dude asked me if I wanted to snort some methamphetamine and this time I said nope. He went ahead and did it and once again he was UA'd a couple days later and got busted again. This time he was kicked out, I just know if I would have snorted some they would've UA'd me too. It was like they had ESP or something.

I completed 45 days of inpatient treatment at Theo1 and while I was there I was able to find an apartment in St.Paul. My social worker turned me on to the place because they didn't require credit checks. I checked it out and they rented me an apartment with no hassles. I rented the apartment a couple weeks before I was released from treatment. When I was released I was transferred directly to jail. I don't like jail at all but I can endure it. The worst part of doing time in jail is dealing with the guards. It's like most of them are on a real power trip. Ten days is a cake walk and it was over fast enough. I was in Hastings again and this time I had a place to go so I called a cab and went straight from jail to my new apartment. That's where I am right now as I write this story. I've been here since like mid September 2011. When I moved in here I had nothing but a small duffel bag and a backpack. I had left the duffel bag here before I served my jail sentence and that's all I had. An empty apartment with two bags and a couple changes of clothes. I also had an old beat up TV and a play station2. I had bought them for fifty bucks from another guy in treatment and had also brought them to my apartment before I went to jail. First thing I did was call a cab. I went to Walmart and bought a cheap lawn chair and an air bed, then to the liquor store and I bought a bottle of vodka. I just thought I deserved a drink after everything I had just went through. For me it was the wrong thing to do.

When I got home from Walmart and the liquor store I had a drink and started unpacking my bags. My apartment has a pretty nice walk in closet with shelves in it so at least I had a place to put my clothes. All I could think about was all the stuff I had lost in the last couple years and now I had to start over again, only this time I was really going to get sober and stay that way. The bottle I bought was going to be my last. As I was unpacking my stuff I noticed that the jail had given me my Trazadone but the rest of my medication wasn't there. Uh oh, I can't afford to be off my meds, every time I've stopped taking my medication it's ended up in disaster. I just know the guards at the jail did this on purpose, they are the biggest fucking pricks on earth, way worse than regular cops. I figured there was no use in trying to get my meds back from the jail and the kind of meds I take require a prescription from a psychiatrist. I had enough meds to get me through until I found a new psychiatrist but now I didn't. I went off my medication and that bottle I bought led to another and another. I ended up right back in the same boat, I couldn't stop drinking. It's not very easy to get an appointment with a psychiatrist and when you do it's normally at least two or three weeks out. Well, I was drinking again and I didn't even bother trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist. The first month of my drinking I was able to sober up enough for my appointments with my social worker and my probation officer. Then it got so bad I couldn't sober up at all. I really wanted to be sober, I just couldn't do it, I would get sicker than hell when I tried to sober up. It wasn't long before my kitchen counter was covered in empty vodka bottles and I couldn't fool anyone anymore. I did want help and the next time my social worker stopped by to check on me I didn't bother trying to sober up or hide all my empty vodka bottles. I knew I was in trouble and the only was I was going to get sober was to go back to the hospital to be detoxed again.

More Stupid Behaior

2011-12-08T02:10:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:

I'm feeling a little stupid now and justifiably so. I had just been released from the psych ward a couple days earlier and here I was back in. I was depressed, anxious and tired. I wasn't looking forward to explaining myself to the doctor but he was pretty cool and I would just have to tell him the truth. I made some poor decisions and drank too much alcohol again. I needed something other than alcohol to deal with my anxiety. They gave me ativan to detox me but then refused to give me any benzo's to help me deal with the anxiety. I believe this protocol is way fucked up but there's no arguing with doctors. When you're stuck in the psych ward you just do and take what they want.

I knew I lost my phone but I could still check my voice mails so I got on the patient phone and dialed up my voice mail. I was glad I did because there were two messages that I was particularly interested in. The first was from Kathy, believe it or not she ended up back in the psych ward at Regions where I was. Only I was on the fourth floor and she was on the fifth floor. The hospital was aware of what happened at the Hovander house and had put us on separate floors on purpose. The other voice mail was from Rick in AZ. He had heard what had happened to me at the house. He wanted Mush and Mark out and me in. I never missed a rent payment and was always on time. I called Rick and told him everything that had happened at the house since he took off to AZ. He said he was going to call his sister and Mark and tell them to get out and I could move back to the house and I would have it to myself until he got back and we could find another roommate to rent the other room. I told him I wasn't sure about moving back and I had no idea what I was going to have to do as a result of me ending back in the psych ward again.

The thing I was most interested in was the fact that Kathy was just upstairs and had no idea I was on the floor below her. I knew the phone number to the floor above and I called it and asked for Kathy. She got on the phone and I told her where I was and that everything would be OK. We were thrilled again, that after everything that had happened we ended up in the same place again. I would see her once and awhile when she would come downstairs for Occupational Therapy group which was held on the fourth floor every day. She was only participating in the group so that we could see each other momentarily. I couldn't join in the group because each floor has it's own groups but we could see each other in the hall. We still didn't know each other that well and I guess the attraction was a physical one and the Hovander incident did give me some insight as to her mental condition but that was when she was drinking. She seemed fairly normal sober and we talked on the phone a lot and continued with our plans to get an apartment together. Neither of us knew where we were going from the psych ward but we were still going to make it work somehow.

Meanwhile I kept in touch with Rick and he was keeping me posted as to the situation at the house. He said he had given them a few days to move out and their rent wasn't an issue because they hadn't payed it. I still wasn't so sure so I called Ricks mother who had an interest in the house because she was a cosigner on the lease and needed to make sure the rent was paid just as much as Rick. She told me that yes, Mush and Mark had been given a deadline to get out of the house and I could move back in as soon as they were out. I trusted her because she was in her early 70's and seemed like an honest person to me. I had met her many times while living there. I was still a little skeptical but I was hoping things were going to work out. For me the best case scenario was I'd get the place to myself and I could have Kathy stay there with me until Rick got back and then we could find an apartment together as planned.
I think I was in the psych ward for about two weeks again and then released the same way as before. This time I was going to go to a different transition house in South St.Paul. This place was called Maureen's house and it's run by Guild. Gild is an organization that helps people suffering with mental illness and chemical dependency. I stayed there for a few days and kept in touch with Rick on a new phone I bought. He told me that Mush was moving out of the house and should be gone by now. His mother confirmed it and I believed them. My social worker didn't want me to go there and wanted some kind of confirmation from my landlord (Rick) that I could move back there and everything was cool. After talking with Rick my social worker agreed that I could go back to where I had been living. Rick asked me if I could send him the rent for the next month and everything would be cool. I hadn't moved back in yet but I was convinced that Mush and her boyfriend had moved out and I had no problem with sending Rick the next months rent. I waited another day and then I went to Walmart and sent Rick a moneygram for the next month's rent.

I asked my old girlfriend to give me a ride back to the house in Blaine and she was cool with that. So I packed up my duffel bag again, checked out of Maureen's House, and headed back to Blaine. I didn't have my key for the house and Rick had told me to just crawl through the window to get in. There was a window that was always left unlocked in case anyone ever lost their keys. When we pulled in the driveway the place seemed deserted, no vehicles in the driveway and the front door was locked. I told my old girlfriend to just leave and I was going to have to break in through the window, I would call her later. I climbed up on some garbage cans and opened the window and climbed in. The window opened into my old room and I was surprised to see it had been completely changed. All my things were gone and there seemed like someone elses stuff was in there. The door was closed and I thought I heard something but wasn't sure. I opened the door, walked down the hall to kitchen and the house seemed quiet with no one around. Then I walked into the living room and I was surprised to see Mush, Mark and some other chick sitting in the living room smoking meth. I had been fucked over again. First thing Mush say's is you aren't welcome here and you'll have to leave. I told her that she wasn't supposed to be staying there and that Rick said she had moved out. All she said was that Rick wasn't there and she was in charge of the house.

I didn't want to argue with them so I just left and headed back to the transit station to wait for a bus. Along the way I called Rick and told him what had happened and that I wanted my rent money back. He was pissed off and had me call his mother to find out why Mush was still in the house. I called her and she said she had no idea that she was still in there and she didn't know what to do. Mush was refusing to leave and along with her was Mark. Truth is they had no where else to go and Mush was being stubborn about letting me back in. Don't forget that these are all meth addicts I'm dealing with and meth has a way of twisting the mind into all kinds of bizarre behavior. I'm no exception, allowing myself to get fucked over every time I turn around. I walked to the transit station and was waiting for the bus when this guy Mike and his girlfriend drive up and say I should go with them. Mike is Ricks good friend and Rick had called him and told him the situation. Rick asked Mike to help me out until Rick could get a flight back to Minnesota. Rick was going to fly all the way back just to kick Mush and Mark out of his house. I knew Mike a little because he would come to the house a lot and he was a meth addict too. Well, once again I didn't have a clue where I was going to go, maybe back to Maureen's house but I just wasn't sure and Mike was asking me to go stay at his place until Rick got back from AZ. OK, and I got in the car. Mike was actually a pretty cool dude for a meth addict and he made me feel at home in his house while I was waiting for Rick.

Mike and his girlfriend didn't work real jobs, their thing was taking old broken things and repairing them in their garage to sell. The house wasn't actually his, rather it was his girlfriends handicapped brothers house and they stayed there rent free and she would take care of her brother in exchange. I helped them work in their garage as a way of paying for my stay there. I had stopped drinking because I didn't want to offend them. They didn't drink but they smoked a lot of meth and had a lot of friends that were the same way. My experience is that people that smoke meth don't normally drink alcohol. They're not drunks and they really don't care for them. Alcohol has kind of an opposite affect from meth and they just don't have any desire to drink. For me it's a little different, my drug of choice is alcohol but I do like meth as well. I like repairing things and I'm pretty good at it. I also am fairly good at using computers. They had a lot of stuff to sell and they were always getting more stuff in exchange for meth. I gotta say that I actually enjoyed staying there and I met a lot of new people. We smoked a lot of meth everyday and were constantly selling something to make more money for more meth. I turned them on to Craig's list and Ebay as a way to sell some of the shit that they fixed up. We made a few sales and I pitched in now and then to buy some meth. Mike and I seemed to become pretty good friends, at least for the duration of my stay there and until I ended up disappearing. It took Rick a whole month to make that flight back from AZ. The whole time I kept in close contact with Rick and his mother and they assured me they were doing everything they could to get Mush out of the house. They didn't trust Mush and her boyfriend either and were afraid that they were going to strip the house of all the fixtures and copper wiring to pay for their addiction to meth. They had been known for doing that in the past. I was doing just fine at Mikes and willing to wait but when it started approaching a whole month I started getting nervous and started pressuring Rick and his mother to do something. Rick flew back as promised and sure enough he kicked Mush and her boyfriend out. I moved back in. Mush and her boyfriend had taken all my stuff with them. Somehow Mark was able to convince Rick that he was just going along with Mush because he didn't want to get kicked out himself. Mark was allowed to stay so everything kinda went back to normal.

There was one problem though. Rick didn't have a good experience seeing his old girlfriend in AZ and it had driven him crazier than he was before. His old girlfriend had turned to prostitution as a way to pay here own rent. Rick didn't say anything at first but eventually it all came out. Mike would come over and hang out a lot more now that he knew me better and was good friends with Rick. One thing I failed to mention about Mike is that he had a warrant for his arrest due to a probation violation. He had failed a urinalysis test and skipped out on court, just like I had done when Mush called the cops on me. Mark's dope dealing business wasn't doing too well and he ended up losing his drivers license because he didn't have insurance on his truck. He was smoking up all his profits to and trying to play the big shot dope dealer. Things were going downhill for him and he ended up selling his truck. The cops were watching the house pretty closely still and I even got pulled over leaving the house on a bicycle on my way over to Mikes house one night. They searched the crap out of me, they had me take my belt off and my shoes and searched me pretty good. They were looking for meth and gave me a lot of shit and asked me a hundred questions. Finally they let me go on my way, I rode around for awhile so they couldn't follow me. When I finally figured they gave up following me around I went over Mikes. I was still hanging out at Mikes helping him out in his garage. Mike was getting more and more paranoid about the cops because he didn't want to get arrested on the warrant and the cops were watching his house just as much as they were watching Rick's. You just didn't want to come or go from either house with any drugs on you or you were taking a big risk. I don't know how the other dope dealers were always coming around both houses without getting caught but hey did. For all we knew any one of them could have already been working with the police but even though paranoid we bought meth. I didn't really care, my DOC was alcohol but occasionally I bought some meth.

Mark was scamming anyone he could to make money and one day he showed up with this guy and his sister. He was banging the girl and conning them both out of money. I was just minding my own business but I knew what Mark was up to. Rick had gone completely manic and ended up in the psych ward for awhile so me and Mark had the house to ourselves. Mark was using Ricks truck to get around and he took off in it leaving this guy and his sister at the house. She didn't smoke meth but was a drinker like me and her brother was just the opposite. Mark had been gone a long time and the next day this chick shows up at the house and tells me that Mark got arrested for driving with no license as well as having got caught with the Ricks truck full of stolen property. Mark had been bringing a lot of strange shit to the house lately but I never gave it a second thought. I guess it was all stolen shit, Mark had turned into a burglar to supplement his income. A couple of days went by and I let this guy and his sister hang out at the house. She couldn't drive because she was always too drunk and her brother didn't have a drivers license. They were afraid to leave the house because they would probably get pulled over. She had to sober up and it didn't seem like that was going to happen anytime soon. There's a lot more to this story and I'll pick it up again in my next post.

Crazy Story

2011-12-06T02:36:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:
I was released from the psych ward and the social services people wanted me to go to the Hovander House which is a big house near University Ave and Snelling. It's a place they put homeless people as a temporary place to stay while they find them another place to live. I never considered myself homeless, I just lived in hotels when I was looking for new places to live. Only problem with that is I can't seem to stay sober living in a hotel. Hotel's are lonely places and for me my anxiety disorder really flares up when I stay in them. I'll drink alcohol for relief. That always leads me deeper into depression and the anxiety that goes with it. I know to anyone who hasn't experienced anxiety attacks and depression this cycle is probably very hard to understand. I even have a hard time imagining it when I'm well. Anyway, I agreed to stay at the Hovander House (which is a good place) for awhile, just until I could find a new place. Hovander House is kinda like a sober house, you are welcome to stay there as long as you don't drink or use drugs while your there. The amazing thing was Kathy was also going to stay there and she was going to be moving in the next day. We were both thrilled about being able to stay there together while we could look for that apartment we had talked about in the hospital. The next day came and with it came Kathy, we kinda pretended not to be friends and they ended up giving her a room directly across the hall from my room. You are pretty much free to do and go where you want while your staying there as long as you follow a few simple rules. Well, Kathy and I violated the primary rule, we went for a walk to the Walmart on University Ave and on the way there we stopped at a liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka. I knew this was a crazy thing to do but Kathy really wanted a drink and I figured we could probably get away with it as long as we were cool about it.

We had a few drinks along the way to Walmart and by the time we got there Kathy was starting to act a little fucked up. Now I'm the kind of drinker that can handle a lot of alcohol and act fairly normal unless I black out and start doing dumb shit. I've got to drink a lot of alcohol to black out like that but it happens. Kathy on the other hand can't handle much alcohol before she starts doing dumb shit and I had no idea. I just met her a week earlier and I had never seen her under the influence. She was acting a little tipsy but not too bad by the time we got back to the house. We were just going to sneak in and and we wouldn't even have to see the staff. We got to the door and it was locked, I guess we were out about ten minutes past the curfew so we had to ring the bell to get in. The only thing I was worried about was the odor of the vodka and the bottle we were smuggling in. We got in alright and everything was cool. I put the bottle in the bathroom in a really dumb place. We wanted to hide it in the bathroom so we could both sneak a drink once and awhile. I put it in the garbage can under the trash liner and figured that would be cool. Kathy and I sat together on the couch upstairs in the TV room, there wasn't anyone else there and we had a few hours few hours before we had to shut down the TV. I didn't know it but Kathy had to go in the office with the nurse yet and take her night time medication. We had started kissing and making out a little and the nurse walked in the room to get Kathy for her medication. We got caught making out on the couch and Kathy had to go downstairs to take her medication. By that time I knew she had drank too much vodka to go talk to the nurse and I knew we were in trouble. The nurse turned off the TV and asked Kathy to go down to the office. The party was over, I went to my room and waited for Kathy to come back upstairs and tell me what went on. She was downstairs for what seemed a long time and when she came back up the nurse was with her. It looked to me like the nurse brought her back upstairs to make sure she went back to her room and right to sleep. I fell asleep and in the morning I got up early, went to the bathroom, checked on the bottle of vodka and oh shit. During the night someone had changed the trash liner and the bottle was gone. Now I knew we were really in trouble. A little while later I was asked to come into the staff office where I was confronted about drinking the night before. Kathy was still sleeping and I had no idea what she might have told them the night before. I just denied knowing anything about any drinking and they told me that Kathy and I were going to have to leave. They were real nice about it and they said we could take all day to move out. When I went upstairs Kathy was getting up and I gave her the bad news, we were being kicked out. She started crying and I told her not to worry, we would just get a cab and get a hotel room. I told her that they wanted to talk with her and she went downstairs. I started packing my stuff and bringing it downstairs. I didn't want to stay there any longer than I had to. Kathy got into an argument with the staff and things weren't looking good. I helped her pack up her stuff and brought it downstairs and when the staff realized that we were going to leave together they told us that they couldn't allow that to happen. I just ignored them and called a cab and while I was hauling our shit out Kathy was arguing with them and I told her to just forget it and lets go. She was acting a little crazy and this was turning into a big scene. The staff told me that they weren't going to allow her to go with me because she was unstable and vulnerable. I said we were going anyway and I told Kathy to stop arguing with them and just come on. I had a cab coming any minute and it was too late to stop us from leaving. We went outside and were waiting for the cab when the cops rolled up. Kathy was acting crazy and I could see this wasn't going to happen. Then the cab rolled up. The cops told Kathy that they were going to be taking her somewhere and she was refusing to get in the squad car. I started loading my shit into the cab and the cops told me to take off. There was nothing to be done so I got in the cab and as we pulled away I could see the cops trying to force Kathy into the squad car. That was it, I was bummed out but there's no arguing with cops unless you just want more trouble.

I would have got a hotel room if Kathy would've been able to come with me but now I had another idea, I was going back to Rick's house and stand my ground. All my shit was still in that house and my rent was paid up for another week. I had the cab take me to Blaine and I felt pretty confident I was just going to tell Mush to go to hell. I had been to court for my warrants so she couldn't call the cops on me again, I had paid the rent and I had every right to stay there at least until the rent was had expired. I wanted to get my stuff too, I had left two lap top computers along with all my clothes and some miscellaneous junk. On the way there I bought another bottle but I didn't drink any of it until I got there. I got to the house and knocked on the door and Mark answered it. Mark asked me what I wanted and I told him, he reluctantly let me in. I just went in and took a chair at the kitchen table, Mark just went back to his room and I knew I was going to have to deal with Mush next. She was downstairs where she was living and while I was waiting I cracked open that bottle and had a few drinks. A few minutes later Mush came up the stairs and started freaking out on me. I told her my rent was paid up and I had the right to stay there for another week. She was acting hysterical and then she went back downstairs and came back with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend tried to physically throw me out but that didn't work. Finally they left me alone and headed out to go do their scrapping work. They collect scrap iron to sell to scrap yards. I went in the living room to watch TV. It was late morning/early afternoon.

I drank the rest of my vodka later that afternoon. I also smoked some weed with Mark and two women that were hanging out at the house. A couple hours after Mush left Mark said she called him and said that she had cooled off and she was cool with me staying there for the rest of the week. By 10:30pm I was toast, tired, sleepy from the vodka and not feeling all that great. It had been a long day and I was just spent. Then the phone rang and it was Mush. I didn't talk with her but Mark said that she was coming back to the house and she was determined to kick me out. I was really tired and sure didn't feel like dealing with that bitch and her fucking boyfriend again. I was just being toyed with. Mark took off, I guess he didn't want to be around when she got there because anything could happen. I stuck around for awhile, lost my resolve and left on foot with my duffel bag. My phone got lost somehow during the argument we had earlier and I left without it. I would have called a cab but I didn't have a phone and there was no bus until the next morning. I was drunk and stoned and I started walking towards the transit station where I was going to wait for the morning bus and get the hell out of there. I decided to cut through the woods which was stupid because I didn't get too far. It was too dark and I couldn't see shit, after a little while I was exhausted. I found a little clear spot, used my duffel bag as a pillow and crashed out. First time I ever did anything like that but I was still drunk and didn't care. In the morning I got up sick, I was having a major anxiety attack. Waking up in my clothes in the fucking woods didn't help. I continued walking to the transit station and caught a bus going back to the cities. I didn't know where I was going and I was sick. I don't remember all the details of how I got there but I ended up back in Regions, in the psych ward again. Stay tuned.

Despair

2011-12-03T23:28:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:I was held in Anoka County Jail for two or three days and then transferred to Dakota County where my warrant was issued. Because of the number of charges I had against me and my failure to appear in court for them I was sure I didn't have to worry about going anywhere for awhile. I only had about $300 and that wouldn't be enough for shit. It would be a couple of weeks before I got paid again and I was thinking that by the time I got out of jail I would have enough saved up to find a new place and move on from there. I was only in Dakota County for one night and the next morning I had to go to court to have my bail set and scheduled another court date to deal with all my arrest charges. You get assigned a court appointed attorney and you get to talk with him for about five minutes before you go in front of the judge. There was about ten of us lined up to see the judge and I was in the middle somewhere. I was waiting for my turn and this judge was letting everyone out on their own recognizance (OR for short). That means you get out without posting any bail on condition that you show up for your next court date. By the time it was my turn he had released everyone before me on OR and I was a little worried because I didn't want to be released. I didn't have anywhere to go, with Mush still at the house and the court order preventing me from going back to my apartment. There was no way I was going to be released without bail, it had been about a year since I ignored all my other court dates and they were not going to release me. I've had DWI's before and almost every time I had to post bail. Given the fact that I had been brought in on a warrant I was expecting to have to post bail. The judge released me without bail. I was fucking shocked, now what was I going to do? It was like mid April and I didn't even have a coat. An hour later I was changing back into the clothes I was wearing when I got arrested and they were returning my property to me. All I had was my wallet and cell phone and it was cold and windy out. At least it wasn't early February and 10 degrees below zero. I guess things could have been worse but at the time I couldn't see it.Out the door I went along with about ten other people. Most of the others had rides waiting for them or had one coming. I'm standing outside smoking a cigarette with no clue what I was going to do. There was three of us with no ride out of Hastings, one of us was a woman and she easily caught a ride with someone. It boiled down to two of us stuck in Hastings. The other guy had a place to go in St.Paul but no way to get there and he didn't have any money. That's the fucked up thing about having Hastings the location of the County Court and Jail, there is no public transportation out of Hastings. I've been stuck there a few times but this was the worst. I tried calling Mark for a ride but he was siding with Mush and wouldn't do anything for me. Mark didn't want to get Mush pissed at him and get kicked out of the house himself. I had friends but I had disappeared for over a year and couldn't call any of them out of the blue, besides, I didn't have anyone’s phone number and where would they be giving me a ride to?I had to do something so first thing I did was head for Walmart to get some smokes and a sweater or light coat. Like I said, I had about $300 and I couldn't just stand around in front of the jail release door freezing my ass off. The other guy tagged along with me, he didn't know what to do either, I told him he could hang with me for awhile until we figured out how to get back to St.Paul. I guess I had enough money to call a cab out to Hastings and go to St.Paul but I had nowhere to go in St.Paul either. I was kinda thinking that if I helped this other guy out he might be able to help me find a place to stay in St.Paul when we figured out a way to get there. It was just a thought and I needed time to figure something out. I wasn't feeling very well either, I was detoxing from meth and alcohol at the same time. I really needed a drink so I could think a little clearer. My anxiety meter was pegged and a drink was what I needed. After getting a hoodie and some smokes at Walmart we headed for the liquor store and I bought a liter of 100 proof vodka and a liter of coke. I don't remember this guys name so I'll call him Joe. Joe and I went around the corner and took a hit off the bottle. Then we went back in the liquor store, borrowed their local phone book and looked up a hotel and found a cheap one. There is no cab company in Hastings but I found some kind of sober ride service and called them. The sober cab showed up and took us to the hotel and I got a cheap room. I just needed a few more drinks to settle my nerves and a warm place to think.We finished off that liter fairly fast and I sent Joe out to get some more, a 1.75 liter this time. After everything I had been through in the last week it didn't take long for me to crash out. Got up the next morning and registered for another night and kept on drinking. I still had no idea what I was going to do when my money ran out but the alcohol was numbing my mind and kept me from worrying about it too much, I just didn't have any options, whatever was going to happen was going to happen. I fell asleep for a few hours and when I woke up Joe was gone. He left my booze but he took my phone and I had no idea where the hell he went. Fuck, I needed my phone, it was all I had left. Now I was starting to panic but kept drinking, there was no way I was going to stop drinking until I ran out of money. I started calling my cell phone with the land line phone in the room. I must have called it 20 – 30 times before that motherfucker finally answered it. I just acted like I was stupid and asked him to get back to the room because I needed him to go get some more vodka. He came back and I got my phone back, sent him for some more vodka, then I chased his ass out. I know he probably was trying to hitch a ride out of Hastings and couldn't get one so he was stuck with nowhere to go and he couldn't come back to the hotel because he had stole my phone. He was happy to come back and do a liquor run and have a place to stay for the night. I don't know where he went and I was too drunk to care. The guy was a homeless guy from St.Paul and he knew how to survive. I had enough money to last me a couple more days but that was it. I had a couple of old girlfriends and I still had their phone numbers on my phone, I was desperate and started thinking that maybe I could convince one of them to help me out. I started to send them text messages and they responded. I couldn't get myself to tell them how desperate my situation was so I was kinda trying to get one of them to come out to Hastings and have a drink with me and then maybe I could figure out something from there. I had told them what hotel I was staying in and the room number. I was pretty saturated in alcohol and I don't remember exactly what I had said to one of them but we kept exchanging text messages for quite awhile. I had her on the phone when there was a knock at my door. I figured it was Joe coming back to apologize or something. When I opened the door it was the cops. They were doing a welfare check, my old girlfriend had called the cops and told them she was worried about me. She knows I have major depressive disorder and had been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts in the past. Hell, I met her in group therapy for people who've had suicidal thoughts. Funny thing was one of the cops told me everything and was about to leave when he spotted a couple empty vodka bottles in the garbage can. I guess I can act pretty sober when I have too. Now he wanted to check my BAC just to see how much I had been drinking. I blew close to a 4.0 and I was loaded up in a squad car and brought to Region's Hospital. Once again I was detoxed in the ICU and then put back in the psych ward. I guess you've got to be crazy to drink that much alcohol and in a way I was trying to drink myself to death. They know me by my first name in the behavioral health wing of Region's Hospital.I was in the psych ward at Region's for around two weeks which gave me time to get paid again and now I wasn't too worried about where I would go. I could always live in a cheap hotel for awhile again, but I sure didn't want to and social services didn't want me to either. I guess I was kinda happy I got put back into the hospital because I don't remember being too depressed. It solved my problem of getting out of Hastings and gave me a place to stay while I waited to get my next paycheck. I wasn't even angry with my old girlfriend, in fact she came to visit me there and took me out so I could smoke cigarettes for an hour. She came to see me a couple times and brought me candy bars and pop. I met a couple of other women while I was in there and ended up making plans with one of them. Actually the three of us were making plans on renting an apartment together and in the end there was just the two of us. Her name was Kathy and she was a former stripper and still hot. She was also an alcoholic, just a different type than me. We got to be pretty good friends in a week or so, there just ain't much to do in the psych ward and it's nice if you have someone you can talk with. We talked and talked and then made plans to get an apartment together when we got out of the hospital. Everything seemed to be getting better again which is the weird way things seem to go, from one extreme to the other, back and forth over and over. I'm not sure where I'm at right now, but one things for sure, it's going to change. I guess I feel like I'm somewhere in between pendulum swings. I know my anxiety level is pretty high but I'm sober. Anxiety is a major part of my problem and I'll get back to that stuff when I finish my story.

Methamphetamine Abuse

2011-12-02T02:44:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:Alright, so I went from living in a hotel in St.Paul, isolated, drinking heavy, smoking crack to a sober house and now at this point in my story I just rented a room in a house way up in Blaine. I thought I found the ideal substitute for alcohol, methamphetamine, and I was hitting that pretty hard right from the start. I still had that warrant out for my arrest and transportation was a big problem, especially out in Blaine where the bus only runs back and forth from the cities twice a day during the work week and not at all on weekends. I was satisfied though, had a place to live and what seemed like an unlimited supply of meth. My new roommate Rick used meth too, only he's what I call a banger. He would smoke it but his preference was to mix it with a little water and inject it directly into his veins. Rick seemed alright early on but gradually his psychosis became more and more apparent. I ended up meeting a lot of people at Ricks and all of them were meth addicts. It wasn't long before Mark left the halfway house and rented a room at Ricks too. Mark started dealing meth again and I was able to get it anytime. I started hanging out with Mark all the time and I would go with him when he would make his deals. Rick didn't want Mark dealing meth out of the house so we had to do a lot of driving around. Eventually Mark just said fuck Rick and he started selling the shit right out of the house. There was a steady flow of people coming through the house and I was high all the time. I kind of justified my use because I wasn't drinking and alcohol was my real problem. In fact I felt pretty good that I was able to not drink for so long. Alcohol always had me feeling sick and at times my stomach wouldn't allow me to drink easily. I would get so sick I couldn't drink anymore and then I had a problem. Meth didn't seem to make me sick at all and for some reason I never got what they call dope sick, but then again there were very few times when I couldn't get more meth.Rick had some definite mental problems probably from banging so much meth. I didn't notice it right away but he gradually became more comfortable around me and started acting like a goofy retard. The first couple months I lived there he wasn't around very much and when he was he would be sleeping. This guy could sleep for days at a time and on the flip side he could stay up for several days without sleeping. The last few weeks I lived there I don't think I ever saw him sleep. He was manic and banging away, the longer he wouldn't sleep the goofier he would get. There were many times when I stayed up for days at a time but eventually I would crash out. Seemed like I only needed to sleep for a few hours and then I could stay up for a few days. I would get enthused about doing some of the weirdest things and do it for hours on end. I guess my biggest thing was taking apart and playing with old electronic junk. I would sit in my room for days playing with old computers and anything electronic I could find. I liked taking apart old cell phones and collecting the parts. It was like meditating, my mind would get focused on something and I wouldn't even give a thought to any of my problems, I didn't care. Eating was something I wasn't interested in either and I lost a lot of weight. I would eat only because I knew I should, I never felt hungry and sometimes it was a real effort to eat, I would do it just to get it done.In the back of my mind I knew I couldn't just keep living like this forever but I didn't seem to care, it just went on and on. Then things did start to happen. Meth addicts are the most paranoid people I ever met. The legal consequences of getting busted with meth or the paraphernalia are serious, but the chance of getting busted are slim unless your selling the shit or hanging around with known meth addicts (known to the police). I guess I was guilty of all the risk factors for getting busted. The cops knew the house I was living in was a drug house and everyone that went there was an addict. I was just stupid and didn't really care. No one trusts anyone but yet activity continues to go on. A few months before I moved in, the house had been raided by the police and they found paraphernalia and a small amount of methamphetamine. So everyone was paranoid when they would leave the house because the cops were always watching the place and pulling people over to search them. If someone did get busted with methamphetamine, the cops would make deals with them to turn in other users. Anytime someone got busted they were out of the loop because you just couldn't be sure if they made any deals with the cops to save themselves. The only problem was knowing when someone got busted, you just never knew. The cops have task forces out there whose only function is to find and bust methamphetamine users and dealers. So it's no wonder where the paranoia comes from. No one dealt with people they weren't sure about and if they did they were very careful. I just didn't care about much anymore and I wasn't afraid of much. I fit in and all I cared about was my little electronic projects and I kinda got into making glass pipes, they could dub as incense burners and they're perfectly legal as long as they haven't been used for smoking meth. The residue left in them can get you in big trouble so everyone was paranoid about carrying around used meth pipes, they were always getting smashed and thrown out. I would sit in my room for hours making new glass bubble pipes with the idea that if I got good at it I could sell them. You can buy them at tobacco shops and they're sold as incense burners. Five or six bucks for a piece of glass that ain't even worth a buck. Anyway I was going to sell them for half price if I ever got good at it but I never did.I guess everything started changing when Rick's sister showed up one day. By this time I wasn't thinking right anymore and Rick's sister was a real bitch. She and her boyfriend got busted and her boyfriend was in jail and she got out somehow. They got kicked out of their place and had been living in their van when they got busted. The cops confiscated their van and she had nowhere to go so she ended up moving in. We got along great at first, staying up all night smoking and talking, she seemed normal compared to her goofy brother but I was wrong about that. She didn't show her true colors for a couple months. I was probably acting a little goofy myself because I started drinking again along with the meth. Rick had a girlfriend that supposedly just got out of prison in Arizona and he was going to go see her. She had been in prison for eight years and he had been waiting for her to get out. Truth was she had gotten out of prison a year earlier and never told him. Rick was all excited about going to AZ and he had all kinds of ideas about how things were going to be great. He was acting goofier than hell and the rest of us living in the house were glad he was going to AZ for awhile because he was driving us crazy. He acted like a retard and was always broke and trying to borrow money and cigarettes and never repaying. Always promising shit and never coming through, just a pain in the ass to live with, so I was thrilled that he was going to see his girlfriend and kinda hoping that he never came back. His sister could take over the house and things would be just fine. Don't get me wrong though, Rick and I got to be friends only because I could put up with all his bizarre behavior and I really didn't care as long as I had a place to live and I could drink and smoke meth. Seemed like I could handle the alcohol a lot better while under the influence of meth so I started drinking more and more, back to that bullshit. Alcohol changes everything and my personality with it, problem is I'm the last guy to notice it. Well everything turned upside down when Rick left for AZ. Things went alright for awhile then Rick's sister started thinking she was in charge of the house, she wasn't even paying rent and she turned out to be a real bitch.Ricks sister's nick name was Mush and I had made the mistake of telling her about the outstanding warrant for my arrest. Mark and Rick both knew about it so she would've probably found out about it anyway. I was pretty fucked up all the time and I guess I started to irritate Mush and Mark but I was paying Rick rent and I didn't think I had anything to worry about and I didn't think I was acting strange anyway. I had a couple of knives and they needed sharpening so I bought a ceramic knife sharpener and as with any meth user got carried away with sharpening knives. We had a whole drawer full of kitchen knives that were so dull they couldn't cut butter. Well I made it my project to sharpen all the kitchen knives and there were quite a few of them. I guess meth addicts shouldn't play with knives around paranoid meth addicts because I guess Mark and Mush started freaking out. They asked me to stop playing with the knives because they didn't feel safe and they wanted me to give them my personal knives. I told them they had nothing to worry about and I wasn't going to give up my knives. Mush kept insisting and I said no way. Then she said you'll have to move out if you don't give in and I said fuck you. “I pay my rent to Rick and you ain't in charge of anything”. She called the cops knowing they would show up and arrest me on my outstanding warrant. That's exactly what happened. Next thing I knew I was sitting in the Anoka County Jail thinking it would be a long time before I got out. I'm going to continue telling this story because it's helping me remember some of the stupid shit I've done in the last year or so and I want to update this blog. There's a lot more to this story and it's all real. If you want to read the whole story you'll need to go back a few posts and start from there. I think what I've been doing is pretty bizarre, looking back, but it's just the life of an alcoholic addict.

Cross Addiction How it Happened

2011-11-30T23:51:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:I go directly from the ICU to Fairview Riverside's Lodging Plus Chemical Dependency Treatment Program. I've been through this program twice before so I know what its all about. It used to be called St. Mary’s treatment program. Not sure why they changed their name but I do know it's called Lodging Plus because technically it's not an inpatient treatment center, It's Chemical Dependency Treatment with lodging. That's got something to do with the insurance, someone is making more money or paying less money. Anyway you get billed for both the treatment program and then separately for the lodging. It doesn't matter, in reality it's inpatient treatment. A short program, 21 days. The one nice thing about the place is they provide a smoking area outside and if you ain't in group therapy you can go out and smoke all you want. It's not a locked down program either, you can go anywhere in the hospital you want and outside as long as you stay on campus. That's cool in the summer but this time around it was winter; I spent last Christmas in this treatment program.I was a total ball of nerves when I went in there, like a continuous anxiety attack. I felt like I had a million things to worry about and I had just recently stopped getting phone calls from Vicki. I just kept thinking that if Vicki would call me everything would be cool. She never did and it was a year before I saw her again. I don't know why I fell for her so hard but I'm sure it had something to do with the condition of my brain at the time. I was in a major depression and having this anxiety disorder on top of it. Thinking back now I don't know how I made it through. I was on the edge of having a major nervous breakdown. I needed a drink or a hit off a crack pipe but neither was going to happen for the next 21 days and I was melting down. I kept to myself as much as I could and gradually I began to feel better. I never felt good but at least I stopped feeling like I was going to explode or something. The thing about me is I never want anyone to know when I'm freaking out and that just makes me freak out more. You have to remember that I had just spent four months isolating myself in a dumpy hotel and now I was supposed to sit in therapy groups and talk about my feelings. I was a nervous wreck for the first 10 days or so. I was practically begging for some benzo's but that's rarely allowed in treatment. Eventually I got to know a few of the guys in my therapy groups and it seemed most of us had the same primary concern. That was where did we go from there. I couldn't go back to that hotel because I knew I would probably die there. I stayed at that particular hotel because it was the cheapest one I could find in St.Paul. I wasn't even sure I could go back there because of the condition I left the place in and I had already been hauled out of there in an ambulance and brought to Regions hospital once before. It seemed like most of us in treatment had managed to wreck our lives to the point where we had nowhere left to go. There was a certain sense of camaraderie amongst those of us looking for a place to go when we were released from treatment. The only place left for some of us to go was into a sober house where the only two requirement for living there are sobriety and rent. There are other rules too but they seem minor when it's cold out and you need a place to live. The rents are normally lower because you are just renting a room in a house along with other alcoholics and addicts. At first it seemed like there was a shortage of sober houses with vacancies but then at one point they started popping up everywhere. I really didn't want to live in a place where I'd be under constant scrutiny and if anyone suspected you might be using drugs or drinking; you would have to submit a urinalysis. Produce a positive UA and you would have to move out immediately. With the only other options being a homeless shelter or a halfway house I was happy to find anyplace at all. Well three of us found a newly remodeled sober house in St.Paul not far from Como Park and were accepted as the new residents. We had it all set up so that on the day of our release from treatment we could move right into the sober house. With the housing problem solved we could start focusing more of our attention on our addiction problems. At least it was a big sense of relief for me. One of my new buddies in treatment opted for a halfway house because he couldn't afford to pay rent, that was Mark who ended up playing a big role in the rest of my story. I guess I'm telling this story more for myself rather than anyone else. Trying to recount what this last binge cost me and how I ended up here where I am now. I know that the way I'm posting this story on my blog puts each posting is in reverse order of the big story so I'm trying to make each post like a story in itself.The last week or so of treatment went by fairly fast, it's the same routine every day with a little change in the schedule on the weekends. Next thing I know I'm being released from treatment and headed for the sober house. I remained in contact with my daughter throughout treatment and she gave me a ride to my new residence in St.Paul. At the same time I was getting out of treatment my daughter was preparing to move to California for a new job. She moved there about a week after I moved into the sober house. I was the first one in the house and the other two guys moved in the next day or so. I was sober now and had a decent place to live and I was trying to figure out what I was going to do next. One of the minor requirements of living in the house is you had to get a job. Since I was on disability and could afford the rent without a job they wanted me to get a volunteer job somewhere so I started looking for one. I never realized that getting a volunteer job is almost like trying to get a regular job. I finally found one but I got kicked out before I started it. I wasn't the first to get kicked out, I was the second. I can't remember the name of the guy that got kicked out first but he got booted out for using something, I think it was crack or meth. It was the third guy in the house that turned him in for staying out all night a couple times without telling anyone he had something preplanned. That led to his getting the boot. The snitches name I won't forget because he got me kicked out too. The guys name was Dick. He still owes me $50 too.This is where Mark came into the picture. You know we all had every intention to stay clean and sober it just didn't go that way. Mark moved into a halfway house not too far from the sober house where I was. We had all became friends in treatment so it was only natural that we started hanging out with each other since we all lived in close proximity of each other. Mark was a former methamphetamine dealer and he went to treatment and into the halfway house to save his marriage. His wife demanded he do these things or she was leaving him and taking his kids with her. Anyway that was his story. He and I got to be pretty good friends, he was coming over to the house most days and hanging out. Mark had a truck so we were going to AA and NA meetings together and just doing regular sober stuff together. I met his wife and kids and everything seemed to be going cool. Then I guess I started hinting around that I'd like to try out some meth some day because I just can't drink alcohol. I was serious too, I was afraid of alcohol but I'd never tried smoking methamphetamine before and I did want to try it but I was saying it in a passive way. Well then the inevitable happened, one day we got some and smoked it. Then we did it again and again and pretty soon we were smoking it every day. I ended up buying a scale so we could divide the shit up. Mark started selling the shit again so we could smoke for free or at least less money anyway. I liked it, I could get high and actually be more productive as apposed to alcohol that always ended up making me sick as hell. I was looking for a new place to live because I knew Dick was suspicious because me and Mark were hanging out a lot and never inviting him to come along. I was actually in the process of negotiating the rent on a room in one of Mark's friends houses when the day came that Dick caught me sitting in my room weighing out some meth. He didn't knock or anything, just came charging into my room to see what I was doing like he already knew. He assured me he wouldn't say anything to the house managers but later that day I got a call on my cell phone informing me that I was to move my shit out of the house the next day and that I couldn't stay there that night. I kinda just took it in stride because I already had another place to live where I wouldn't have to worry about using. I stayed there that night and the next day I went to the sober house with my new roommates van and moved all my shit out, which again wasn't that much. My new roommates name was Rick and this is when the shit really hit the fan. Of course that's a whole nother story which I'll start telling in my next post.

Self Destruction

2011-11-30T04:49:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:Well anyway, Vicki was never really into me, she just found me convenient. Took me for a few bucks but we had fun. I imagine I'll hear from her again if she really needs something but I'm through with that. Too bad because I liked her a lot, finally found someone who liked to get fucked up like I did but everything when we both sobered up. I guess that's all we really had in common. I still like her but there's no future in our relationship, at least not if we are going to stay sober and that's my plan right now.Like I said, I ended up in Regions psych ward several times while I was living in that dump of a hotel, the “Economy Inn”. I lived in that damn hotel for almost four months. Spending all my money on alcohol and crack within the first two weeks of every month and then suffering for two weeks until I got paid again. I was lonely, I missed Vicki, and I was scared. I would be so broke for two weeks every month I had to walk to Dorthy Day's to eat and couldn't even afford smokes. Dorthy Day's is a homeless shelter where they feed you for free, it's right across from the Excel Energy Center and was about a mile walk for me. It was getting to be December and I didn't even have a warm coat, I would freeze my ass off when I would walk to the shelter to eat. I would get so depressed I could hardly get myself to walk down there but I knew I had to eat something. I lost a lot of weight and knew I was sick. As soon as I would get paid I would start all over, get as fucked up as I could until I ran out of money and go through it again. I was getting so fucked up I would hallucinate and then when I would sober up because of lack of money I would shake so hard that I couldn't even hold a glass of water up to my mouth to get a drink. I couldn't stop myself from this pattern of slow suicide. On top of all this shit I didn't go to court for my DWI and assault charges and there was a warrant out for my arrest. Vicki would call me once every couple days for awhile and she could tell I was sick, don't blame her for disappearing on me.I had totally isolated myself, no one associated with me knew where I was or what I was doing. I had lost my phone and bought a new one with a different number. The only person who knew my phone number was Vicki. I didn't have computer access so I wasn't answering any emails. I just totally dropped out of sight for about five months. Every time I saw a cop I would freak out because of the warrant for my arrest and the possibility that I had been reported as a missing person by my daughter or my parents. One day I was at Dorthy Day's eating and I met a homeless woman who was eating at the same table as me. I was sober enough to get fed (they won't let you in if you're drunk or fucked up) so I could at least talk, even though I was having a hard time hitting my mouth with a fork. I guess I was having a moment of clarity as they say in AA and I felt I had to make contact with my daughter and let her know I was still alive. I asked the woman who’s name was Missy if she knew where a library was so I could use a computer and send my daughter an email. She was nice enough to take me to the Public Library which wasn't that far of a walk. I got to use a computer and I sent the email. I can't remember what I said but I just wanted her to know I was still alive and I gave her my new phone number. I didn't get a call from her but the next day I went back to the library to check my email and she had responded with her phone number. My daughter was about to get her PhD from the University of Minnesota and she had to defend her thesis to the faculty at the University as a last requirement. She knew I was sick and I wouldn't be able to attend the ceremony. I wasn't even invited because she knew I wouldn't be able to make it. I was so depressed I wanted to commit suicide, for real. It seemed my whole life was upside down and it was. A week later I got paid again and I resumed my pattern of self destruction.Something was going on in my mind because during a black out and I was always blacking in and out of consciousness I called my daughter and asked her for help. I knew I was going to die if I didn't get some help and consciously I didn't care. I really don't know why I called but I did and a little while later she showed up. She gathered up my things which didn't amount to very much and she brought me to Fairview Riverside Hospital on the UofM campus. I had so much alcohol and crack in me I didn't care what was going on. She brought me in through the ER and they put me in the ICU (intensive care unit) to detox me. I think I spent at least a week in the ICU and they detoxed me with ativan which made detoxing fairly painless. From there they put me in there chemical dependency inpatient program which I had been through twice before. I think I just wanted to get out of the rut I was in living in that hotel and Dorthy Day's because I wasn't done yet. I made it through their 21 day treatment program and that's where I met this guy named Scott. This binge wasn't even close to being over and I'll carry on with the story in my next post.

Alcoholic relationships

2011-11-27T20:44:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:Vicki and I got a hotel room right across from Regions Hospital. We didn't waste any time getting back into the bottle. We had a lot of fun as usual, making all kinds of plans for the future and drinking a lot. Drinking way too much, and then one morning I woke up and Vicki was gone. I guess I had blacked out and had kicked her out. I didn't remember a thing, all I knew was she was gone and I kept waiting for her to come back but that never happened. A couple of days later I got a phone call from Vicki and she told me what happened. We got into an argument and I told her to leave. She had no where to go and she almost jumped off the Robert street bridge. Instead she went back to Regions Hospital and checked herself into the psych ward where she was calling me from.She was in the psych ward for a couple weeks and she was committed. Social Services put her into a long term treatment program (90 days) and then from there into a halfway house for women in St.Paul. That's where she is now and it's been over a year. She's convinced that if we got back together we would start drinking again and she's probably right. I went on drinking among other things and I just recently found out where Vicki ended up. I went to an AA meeting in downtown St.Paul about three months ago and there she was, we talked a little, she borrowed a little money from me and I haven't seen her since. So much for alcoholic relationships. I haven't been doing so well, been in the hospital several times, treatment twice and got committed myself. I've done all this since Vicki went into Regions that night from the hotel.

More of the story

2011-11-27T00:56:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:OK, the only reason I'm telling these stories is to bring you up to speed as to what I've been doing for the last year or so. I'll get back to the present soon enough. I've only managed to be sober for the last six weeks or so and it ain’t easy. Every time I go off on a binge it gets a lot harder to come back. The anxiety and depression seem to hang with you for a lot longer. I'm trying to get back and I need to write to keep busy. Back when that Ralph character screwed me over and Cheryl and I had no where to go we ended up staying at a couple different hotels and I actually ended up renting an apartment in one of the hotels, the only hotel in Farmington. This hotel was a real dump but the apartment wasn’t to bad. I had a hard time controlling Cheryl and she ended up buying some weed from some kids that were also living in this hotel. They ripped her off and I got pissed. I ended up confronting them with a baseball bat and one of them clobbered me with a 40oz beer bottle. That's the last thing I remember until the cops brought me to Ramsey county detox. First they brought me to jail and charged me with assault. So while I'm in detox I ran into a woman, Vicki who was in rougher shape than I was as far as her situation. She was pretty, a little taller than me and had no where to go. Somehow we got to be friends and spent most of our time together while waiting to get out. While I'm waiting to get out of detox I find out that Cheryl got me evicted from my apartment. I don't know what she did but I was out. I had offered to rent Vicki a room in my apartment and now all three of us had nowhere to go.Vicki and I got released from detox about the same time and Cheryl picked us up, she was drunk and said she took all my anxiety pills (60mgs) clonazepam (klonopin). We didn't have anywhere to go so I decided to go to this hotel in Burnsville only to find out they wouldn't rent me a room there because Cheryl had gotten me kicked out of there maybe six weeks earlier. I didn't know I was banned from renting there for good so we went to a bar to think about what to do and while in the bar Cheryl gets into a fight with some other chick in the bathroom and this other chick is on her cell phone calling the cops. Meanwhile Cheryl is so fucked up that she can't walk and is crawling on the sidewalk outside of the bar. We have to leave fast because the cops are on their way so I scooped up Cheryl put her into the car and the three of us take off. Never did see the cops but I was worried about Cheryl because of all the klonopin she had taken and the way she was acting. That's when I decided to take her to the Fairview ER and that's the last time I saw her. I didn't want to leave her behind but I just couldn't handle all the drama and close calls with the police. To this day I don't know what happened to her; I hope she found her way back to Tennessee where she was from.Vicki and I hit it off and got another hotel room in Lakeville until the money ran out. Then we were broke and once again no where to go. At this point I've got no choice but try to go back to my place, after all the apartment is full of my furniture and all my stuff and food. Only problem is Ralph is there and he has an order of protection against me but I was desperate and figured I could convince him to drop the protection order and let me and Vicki stay there for a week or so until I got paid. I talked with Ralph and he said it would be cool so Vicki and I went to my place and everything seemed like it was going to be OK.We weren’t there for more than two hours before Ralph starts begging me to go to Walgreen's and get his medication because he's all out and needs it right away. Ralph doesn't drive so he's got no other way to get his medication. I really didn't want to go because Vicki and I had been drinking and I didn't want to take the risk of driving anywhere. Finally I cave in and agree to go get his medication. Ralph was setting me up. I went into Walgreen's and Vicki was passed out in the car. When I got to the Pharmacy counter they wouldn't let me pick up Ralph's meds which was weird because I've done it for him many times before. When I come out of Walgreen's there are three squad cars surrounding my car. They charged me with DWI and took me to Hastings Jail. They took Vicki back to Ramsey county detox. My car got impounded. I ended up having to walk from Hastings back to Eagan which took me all day. I went back to my place and of course Ralph was there acting all surprised and shit about what had happened. At the time I hadn't figured out what had happened but it didn't take me long to figure out that Ralph had set the whole thing up. I was drinking pretty heavy and I had made a deal with our neighbor to give me a ride to detox to get Vicki. Vicki called me about an hour before I was supposed to pick her up and I guess I was pretty out of it and she didn't think I was going to make it to pick her up. I did make it there to pick her up but I guess she was afraid I wasn't coming so she took off with some other people that got released the same time she did. I was about 10 minutes late but I had no idea where Vicki went. So we went back home where I was going to wait for her to call me but the call never came. By now I was really hitting the vodka hard and was out of my mind worrying about Vicki. All her things including her ID and purse were with me. I could tell Ralph was acting weird too and I was going to have to leave soon. It was only a couple of days left before I got paid when Ralph tried locking me out of the apartment, I can be a little crafty and it wasn't hard for me to get in. Ralph had asked me if I wouldn't mind taking my dog for a little walk because his social worker was coming to see him and he wanted some privacy. So I take my dog for a walk and when I come back the apartment is locked up tight and Ralph is nowhere to be found. I got in the apartment and Ralph stayed away for a day, he was at his girlfriends apartment across the parking lot the whole time hoping I would leave. The next day he he shows up, looks around a little and goes back to his girlfriends apartment. About an hour later the cops show up and tell me I've got to go, they said that they would give me another hour to get my things together and when they came back I had to be gone. That extra hour gave me time to give my dog away to the neighbor and drink about a half a gallon of vodka. I wanted to be brought to the hospital because I had no where else to go and when the cops came back that’s where they brought me. I ended up being detoxed in the ICU in Regions Hospital and then they moved me up to the fourth floor of the psych ward. The second day I was in the psych ward, guess who is admitted to the same floor, Vicki. We had a nice little psych ward reunion and hung together the whole time we were in there. Once again we got released at the same time and we were off to another adventure that I'll write about in my next post. I know all this sounds crazy as hell, but every bit of it is the truth.

Parkinson's Fake

2011-11-21T02:52:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:Hello, one part of my story from this last year is definitely interesting. At least to me it is. I had this roommate, his name was Ralph Livingston. I met Ralph while living in a shared house in Burnsville, MN. There were four guys living in this house and we were each paying close to $400 a month for a room. The house had two shared bathrooms and a shared kitchen. Two of the residents were just kids in their early 20's and then there was Ralph and I in our early 50's. The younger guys pretty much trashed the place, never cleaning up after themselves and always bringing all their friends over to party. Ralph and I would party along with them but at least we tried to keep the place clean. Neither Ralph nor I had much of a taste for weed but the house was always foggy with marijuana smoke. My thing was alcohol and Ralph was addicted to prescription pain killers (vicodin, percocet, and phentynal patches). The highest guy in the house was usually Ralph but he could be high and no one would really know it.I didn't know it at the time but Ralph was a natural con man. Ralph claimed to have Parkinson’s disease so he could get a large portion of his drugs prescribed to him legally. I became suspicious when the only time he exhibited any symptoms is when he had to go see his doctor. He was prescribed some 20 different medications a day but only took the pain meds, the rest he would just throw in a drawer and they would pile up fast. Every now and then he would empty the drawer into the garbage. My being an alcoholic and with everything else going on in the house I didn't really care what he was doing. Needless to say Ralph’s Parkinson’s disease symptoms would mysteriously disappear after his doctors appointments. I did some research into Parkinson's and found that the disease can only be diagnosed by the symptoms. There are no blood tests or any other kind of tests that will indicate Parkinson's. The only definitive way to diagnose this disease is after the death of the patient when an autopsy can be performed to confirm the presence of Parkinson's. I was told this information directly from a PhD Neuroscientist. So if you want to get pain killers you can research the symptoms of Parkinson's disease and just fake it when you go to the doctors office. Anyway, I didn't care what he did as long as it didn't affect me. The only reason I checked into it was because Ralph eventually conned me out of everything I owned.Along with Ralphs diagnosis of Parkinson's came Social Security Disability. He also got County funded housing and food stamps because his Social Security wasn't considered adequate. So Ralph gets a free apartment in Eagan and a pretty nice one at that. Since Ralph and I had become friends and we were both fed up with the younger guys living in the house, Ralph offered me a room in his new apartment where I paid about the same amount of money.I lived in the apartment for a little more than a year off and on. Ralph would get so fucked up on the pain killers, especially when he put the phentynal patches on, that he couldn't walk or talk or do much of anything but stumble around. At one point I couldn't take it anymore and moved into another friends house for about six months and then back into Ralphs when I had to move out of my other friends place. Ralph continued to get wasted and I just tried to stay out of the apartment as much as possible, more or less just a place to sleep. One morning I woke up and Ralph was bleeding from his mouth and ass. I called a friend of mine and asked if it was anything I should worry about. The answer was yes. The Tylenol in the pain killers and his heavy drinking had burned a hole in his stomach and caused some serious liver damage. I got him into my car and told him he had to get to the hospital quick. He didn't want to go because then his social workers would become aware of his addiction. The whole way to the hospital he kept complaining that he was all right and didn't need to go to the ER. I brought him there anyway and when I arrived at the ER the medics didn't waste any time getting him out of the car and onto a gurney. I'm no hero but the doctor there told me that if I hadn't brought him in when I did he would have died. He was in the ICU there for about a week and then they released him back home where he continued to abuse the drugs and began acting different. He was getting so loaded that he was stumbling around the place knocking over furniture and basically wrecking the place. I had to start gluing things down so he wouldn't knock shit over and break everything. One day he fell down in the shower and banged his head on the water fixture and had blood all over the bathroom from trying to get back on his feet. I ended up having to clean the bathroom, he claimed he was having trouble because of the Parkinson’s and I would just say oh because I didn't want to confront him on his bullshit. His pain killer addiction was out of the bag since his visit to the hospital and he knew it. He didn't say anything to me about it because he had to thank me for saving his life but he also blamed me for alerting social services that his real problem was an insatiable need to be totally fucked up on pain killers. I have to admit that I had tried them a few times myself but could never see what the big deal was.One really crazy thing about this story is Ralph had a young girlfriend for awhile and one day they found her dead in her apartment, overdosed on pain killers. Pain killers that Ralph had given her. I guess the phentynal patches were the thing that had pushed her over the edge. The coroner questioned the phentynal patches but no one seemed to know where she got them. Her death was ruled a suicide but I've got a feeling it would've been called something else had they known where she got the drugs from. Ralph told me this story one day when he was a little out of it. Ralph is about 6'5” and about 240 lbs. His girlfriend was just a little dainty thing and I don't think she could handle the same doses as Ralph.So like I said, Ralph was acting a little weirder than usual after I brought him to the hospital and one day I had brought my girlfriend over and we were cooking some dinner. My girlfriend and I got into a heated argument about something, I can't even remember what it was about. All of a sudden Ralph physically attacked me, I'm a smaller guy but I was able to hold my own against this big dude and I ended up throwing him into a chair which completely gernaded because of his size. I remember trying to tell Ralph to just cool off and settle down. I think he could see things weren't going to go his way so he jumped up, grabbed his cell phone and ran out the patio door. He called 911 and told the police that I had attacked him and chased him outside. When the cops arrived they talked to him first because he was outside waiting for them and he was the one who had called for help. I had been drinking that day but I was still in control of my faculties which didn't matter one bit. They gave me a breathalyzer and that was it, I was on my way to jail for assault. Ralph files a restraining order against me so I can't even go back to the place I've been living for over a year. Everything I own is in that apartment including my dog and I couldn't go back there. I went there anyway and he acted like nothing ever happened. Then he calls the cops again to have me removed from the apartment. I had a few drinks again so this time the cops bring me to Ramsey County Detox. While I was in detox I met another woman and that's another story that needs to be told. When I get out of there I end up having to get a hotel room and I can't get my stuff, most of the furniture in the place belonged to me. I guess I could have got a police escort to get my things but I had no where to put it. It wasn't like I was expecting this crap so I didn't have enough money to get a storage place so my only option was to leave it there until we could settle it in court.I had a classic Jaguar parked in the garage with expired tabs because I never drove the car. Ralph pushes the car out of the garage and parks it in the outside lot then he calls the cops and tells them there's a car parked in the lot with expired tabs. By the time I find out about this, three weeks had passed and I didn't have enough money to get the car out of the impound lot. This is where he really starts screwing me over. I was financially screwed and he knew it. I ended up having to sell the car to a friend of mine for the cost of getting it out of the impound lot. I lost a ton of money on that deal.Meanwhile, unknown to me, Ralph has to go into treatment for his addiction and while he's there he decides not to pay the rent on the apartment so he lost his apartment and I lost all my belongings. At least that’s what he's telling me now.A friend of mine saw Ralph at Target in West St.Paul and she said he was perfectly normal, not showing any signs of Parkinson's disease. The guys got to be starting to stress out because you just can't fake a progressive disease forever. The County is now paying for this guy to live in a nursing home where I heard he uses a walker to get around and shakes like a leaf. His only relief has got to be when his girlfriend picks him up so he can stop putting on the Parkinson's deception. To give it up now would make him guilty of fraud. I know this story sounds a little too bizarre to be true but it's for real, but this is the short version of the story. I'll be filling it in more and more with other stories that relate to this one. I wish I could turn him in but it would take a lot, he would have to be caught faking it and how do you catch someone who's pretending to have a disease that can only be diagnosed by the symptoms?

Big Mistake

2011-11-13T00:20:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:When things go downhill they seem to go fast. I had two years of sobriety and was attending AA faithfully. Then Facebook happened. I managed to connect up with my very first girlfriend from when I was 12 years old. Back then it was 1970 during the Vietnam War. Both our fathers were Army and Vietnam Vets. We were stationed on a little island called Okinawa which is a part of Japan. I lived there three different times for a total of nine years. It seemed all us kids were always coming and going which is the way of the military. Military brats were a different sort, especially during the Vietnam war and the draft. Fathers coming home on leave and crazy as hell, which in turn made us kids a little crazy. Where I was living in Okinawa there was no age limit on alcohol sales so we started drinking very young and matured at a rate that exceeded that of our civilian counterparts in the States.Well, anyway, my girlfriends name was Cheryl who had a twin sister Charlotte. I started out with Charlotte but ended up with Cheryl. We were doing things that 17, 18 year old kids do. The war was ending and as we moved back to the States we lost touch.Then Facebook happened and Cheryl and I started talking again. She lived in Tennessee and I was here in Minnesota. It had been 35 years since Okinawa and I was thinking I was talking to that same little girl I knew when I was a kid. Nothing could be farther from the truth.We got to talking about personal things and she began telling me about how her boyfriend was physically and mentally abusive to her. I told her she should come to Minnesota because the social services here are excellent and she would be able to get help dealing with all the stress she had been living with. She agreed to come here for help and I agreed to help her out. What a mistake, I guess I wasn't thinking clearly myself for some reason and the shit hit the fan. I started drinking again and trying to take my regular medication at the same time. Needless to say things didn't go to well. Cheryl was a raving maniac. Got me kicked out of two hotels because she was just acting crazy and bothering the other guests. She was totally out of her mind, asking strangers if they knew where she could buy some weed, having strangers bring her home from the bar which I plead with her not to go to. One day the cops came to the hotel to check on her welfare and the next thing I know I'm getting kicked out of another hotel.Anyway, she took a bunch of my pills and drank them down with vodka and I thought she was going to die or something so I brought her to the ER at Fairview and left her there, never to see or hear from her again. I just had to let her go if I was going to survive. Understand that this is the short version of the story, there was a lot I left out because this could turn out to be a book if I included everything. What happened here was half my fault and I do feel very bad for abandoning Cheryl the way I did. I just want you to know some of the things I've been up to over the past year or so while I was not making entries to my blog. Believe me there's a lot more I want to tell before I get caught up with what's currently happening.

Road to Recovery

2011-11-04T13:18:00.000-05:00

Simon Says: Alright, enough of that shit, suffice it to say that methamphetamine addicts are the yellow underbelly of the snake of addiction. I've been down the road of several addictions and these people are the worst. Selling Epsom salt to your friends for $100 a gram just ain't cool. The freaky thing is that two weeks later it's like nothing ever happened and everybody's friends again.I had to get the fuck out of there and I did. Only one problem; no where to go. Been in this situation before and always seemed to figure something out. I hadn't been to AA in over a year but I still had my old sponsors phone number on my phone so I called him and asked him to give me a ride to detox. Well, he gave me a ride to Fairview Riverside ER. I was detoxed in the ICU (intensive care unit). Spent about a week in the ICU and then I was transferred to station 10 of the psych ward. I guess I was sicker than I thought because the doctors on station 10 petitioned the courts to have me committed.So, next thing I know I'm being transported to Hastings, MN where the courthouse is located. There I get to go before a judge and find out if I'm going to be incarcerated in the State Hospital for the mentally ill. I've done this a couple times before so I pretty much know what to expect: a stay of commitment. A “stay of commitment” is just like being on probation, you have to take the medications the doctors prescribe and stay out of trouble or you'll be put in the State Hospital. That's the boat I'm in right now. Actually I'm kind of in a double trouble situation because I'm on probation for the next two years due to a DWI I got a little over a year ago. I also got ten days in jail which I just finished up last month. The DWI I got is another story which I got to tell but in another post.As a condition of my stay of commitment I was ordered into an inpatient treatment center. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) was the main emphasis of this treatment program. I've been through this treatment center before so I knew what to expect. Its a good place called Theo1 in West St.Paul, MN. DBT is based on Eastern philosophies of Zen Buddhism, its basic premiss is to develop a “life worth living”, originally developed by Marsha M. Linehan, a psychology researcher at the University of Washington, to treat people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). I served my 45 days there and I didn't mind it one bit, haveing no where else to go except maybe the Dorthy Day homeless shelter. While I was in Theo1 a Dakota County social worker helped me find an apartment where I'm living now. Stay tuned, this story never ends.

Adventures in Homelesness

2011-11-01T19:19:00.002-05:00

Simon Says: Well one day Monster decides to go to Arizona to visit hi.s girlfriend that just got out of prison two years ago. About a month prior to monsters trip to AZ monsters sister Michele (that's how she spells it) moves in because her boyfriend ended up in jail and she has no where to go. When Monster left she assumed charge of the house. Michele is worse than her brother. Lying, cheating bitch. Her and I get along well enough but one day she decides I have to go. I tell her to go to hell but she is aware that I have a warrent out for my arrest because I never showed up for court on a DUI charge. Next thing I know she calls the cops on me and I end up being thrown into the Anoka county jail. I spend a couple days in Anoka county jail bit my warrent is out of Dakota County so I'm transfered to Dakota county and brought before a judge. The judge set a court date and releases me. I didn't plan on getting released, I thought I would be sitting in jail for awhile but now I'm out on the streat with no where to go and in a small town valles Hastings, MN where there aren't any buses or cabs. I've got about $300 so I end up getting a cheap hotel room and a few bottles of vodka. I get really drunk and this chick I new and was talking with on the phone called the cops on me and told them I was suicidal. There's a knock on my door and the cops haul me to Regions hospital where I end up in the psych ward again. Say tuned, theres a lot more to this story and I've got nothing better to do but write. I'm getting a new computer soon and I'll be fixing up this blog. A lot has happened this past year and I'll be posting all of itching.All that I can remember that is. Everything I post is the bizarre truth.

Monster Child

2011-10-31T03:43:00.001-05:00

Simon says: Monster turns out to be the weirdest fucker I ever met. Scott never gave me anykind of warning. Monster is kind of a bigger dude with tattoos covering both of his arms, back and chest. He has the mentality of maybe a 10 year old boy, if that. He's also a banger, he likes to disolve meth with a little water and inject it directly into his blood stream. I met a few bangers and never seen one as goofy as this guy. He would get so wound up he'd be bouncing off the walls.Eric the Monster was everything you could immagine, lier, theif, backstabber. One day I was sleeping in my room and Erick didn't know I was home. I was awakened by the sound of this asshole picking the lock on my door. I just remained quiet as he walked in, as soon as he saw me he took off. The only reason I put up with this shit is because at the time there was a warrent for my arrest and a really bad credit rating. Needles to say these two things made it difficult for me to rent a place of my own, which I now have.

Inside scoop on the world of methamphetamines

2011-10-29T22:49:00.000-05:00

Simon Says: so anway, I get kicked out of the sober housr and Scott bails out of the half way house. Scott has a friend that needs money and is willing to rent ot a couple of rooms in his house. I took one of the rooms and a few days later Scott takes the other room.Every thing seems OK except Erick, AKA Monster turns out to be a total idiot. A boarder line retard. Hmm, actually he's a full blown retard.At this point I was thinking I would be able to handle Monster.

2011-10-29T19:00:00.000-05:00

Trying to post with my phone is way too much hassle. Next month I'll get a computer and things should get better. These touch screem key boards are way to sensitive .

The life of a methamphetamine dealer

2011-10-29T18:50:00.000-05:00

AThe typical image of a drug dealer is someome with a lot of money. The truth is they barely make enough money to survive so they have to resort to other illegal endeavors to make ends meet. The average dealer has to supplement their income by steeling everthing they can from anyone. I mean anyone and everyone.

Meth house

2011-10-28T16:35:00.000-05:00

So, a couple of weeks pass by and Scott and I are selling Meth and smoking up all the profits. Scott had all the connections and he was introducing me to them. I think I was going through abou an eight ball (eighth of an ounce) a week. One night while I was sleeping someone snuck into my house and stole my brand new Tshiba leptop. I now know it was Scott. Scott turned out Pto be a real snake. One day shortly after my laptop went missing, I was in my room weighing out some met and another resident of the sober house barged in to my room without knocking and busted me with the meth. This guys name was Richard Snell and he promised not to imform the hojse manager. Later that day I Get a call from the house manager and out the door I went. I was forced to move onto a meth house where Scott was living. Party 24/7 and I have to admit I liked it there at first. New people passing through all the time (all meth users) all buying or selling or just there to hang out. The house had been recently raided by the police just before I moved in and people were being a little cautious and paranoid. One thing I learnef was that people that use and sell methamphetamines some of the biggest snakes on the plannet. Lie cheat and steal for the drug. Just when you think you're making friends with someone they'll steal something from you and I got ripped off bigtime.

The beginnings of a nightmare

2011-10-26T01:21:00.001-05:00

Alright, fifth attempt to get something posted to my blog using my Motorola Cliq XT. I'll be getting a new computer next month and that will make things a little easier. So, anyway, I met this guy Scott while in treatmemt at Fairview Riverside Hospital's Lodging Plus Chemical dependency Program. Scott and I srarted hanging out together and we became friends, I thought.We were discharged around the same time and ended up living a few blocks apart so we continued to be friends. I had moved into a sober house and Scott move into a half way house. I knew Scott was a drug dealer but we were both trying to stay sober fresh out of CD treatmemt. Well, a few weeks into sobriety we decided to relapse. I don't remember the details but the next thing I do rember is in about a week we were both smoking meth every day.

2011-10-26T00:17:00.001-05:00

Alright, fourth attempt to publish this post with my mobile phone.I hope to buy a new computer mext month but my Motorola Cliq is all I have for now.OK so I met this guy Scott while in a chemical dependency provram in Fairview Riverside Hospital on the UofM campus in Minneapolis MN. I would recommend their treatment program which is called Lodging Plus, to anyone seeking help with an addiction problem.Anyway, Scott and I were discharged from treatment about the same time and ended up living a few blocks apart and

2011-10-25T23:33:00.003-05:00

DSimon Says:Audio Streamed by theBroadWave Streaming Audio Serverby NCH Swift Sound Software.

2011-10-25T22:53:00.000-05:00

Alright, so I met this guy in treatment, he seemed like an alright guy so we became friends. We were in treatment at Fairview Riverside Hospital which I recommend if you or someone you know is thinking about going into treatment. Fairviews chemical dependencey programs name is Lodging Plus. It's clean ( hospital ) and they have a designated smoking area outside.Anyway, back to my story. I get to be pretty good friends with Scott. I knew he was a drug dealer but at the time we were both high on sobriety. As the weeks pass by we get to be even better friends. Then the day came when we both decided to relapse. Not on alcohol but on methamphetamines. Meth was Scott's drug of choice and I wanted to try something new as long as it wasn't alcohol I wkould be OK.This is going to be a long story so stay tuned.

Back Again!

2011-10-25T00:24:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to write a new post with my phone. I'll be gettimg a new computer next month and I plan on reviving this this blog. Anyway I want to let every one to know I'm still alive. The last six months have been pretty crazy. I plan on telling you everything I can remember. I met this guy named Scott while I was in treatment. When we got discharged I moved into a sober house and Scott moved into a halfway house a few blocks away. Well, Scott and I got to be good friends and Scott turned out to be a methamphetamine dealer. I'll be writing more later.

Good Morning

2011-01-26T13:22:00.000-06:00

Simon Says: Oh shit, I've been sleeping too much lately. I'll go from not sleeping at all to sleeping too much. Thing is, there just ain't much to do around here. I do feel my depression creeping up on me again and if I could I'd have a drink. Can't do that, living in a sober house right now. Anyway, fuck Ralph Livingston. I'll be writing more about that asshole later. He's part of the reason I'm living here without a car and I've got some legal problems I'll need to take care of down the road.
When I went to Tennessee to see my old girlfriend I invited her out here to Minnesota because she needed help. She'd been in an abusive relationship for years and I mean physically. Minnesota has a lot of good social services for women in her position. Well, she turned out to be way too much for me to handle and I ended up having to leave her at a hospital ER because I thought she was OD'd on alcohol and drugs. I haven't seen or heard from her since. I'm guessing she went back to Tennessee. She was crazier than I thought and I was worried she was going to get me into trouble. Well I got myself into trouble and ended up in detox four times within about a five month period. I also ended up in the psych ward in Regions hospital twice. The last time I went to detox was in Fairview Riverside Hospital and from there I ended up in treatment again. A short 21 day treatment center they have there at Fairview. This was my third time in there, the last time was five years ago. I moved into this sober house directly from Fairview and here I am. The rent here is $500/month and its a nice place. The one condition of living in a sober house is no alcohol or drugs in the house or in you. It's a good place for me because I need to straighten out.
There were three of us that moved in here from Fairview and one guy relapsed right away and had to leave. So now there are only two of us here and the house has room for seven people. It gets a little quiet in here but that's fine. My roommate has a car so I'm able to get to the grocery store alright and I have another friend I met in treatment that lives pretty close in a half way house.
I'm currently trying to get volunteer work at a local food shelf and thats looking good. Friend of mine just showed up, be back later.

I'm Back

2011-01-17T23:30:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:
Yes,I'm back, once again, I'm back. Had a couple years of relative sobriety; I was holding my own pretty good. Then the shit hit the fan. I guess I just can't handle the interminable life style of the sober alcoholic. No matter how hard I try to work the twelve steps of AA it just doesn't work for me. Now my life is a mess once again. It's not hopeless, but I've got a lot of consequences to endure. Legal consequences which I'm not ready to deal with right now.
It all started when my roommate started flipping out. My roommate's name is Ralph Livingston drug addict extraordinaire. I've never seen anyone quite so hell bent on frying his mind and body with illegally obtained prescription drugs and alcohol in my entire career as an alcoholic. Chicken shit bastard too. I had been an unofficial tenant in his apartment for over a year and I watched this guy fall completely apart. I was just dumb enough not to bail when I had a chance.
I saved this guys life one day and what does he do but take advantage of my trust and fuck me over like a dead dog in the street. The whole situation evolved because I didn't recognize the fact that the guy was gay. I've got nothing against gay people, but gay people in denial can be dangerous, to themselves and anyone else unfortunate enough to make their acquaintance.
Last winter I drove this asshole out to Arizona so he could visit with his mother. Then I backtracked to New Mexico to visit my mother. Left him in Arizona and if the timing worked out right I was going to go back to Arizona (20hr drive) and pick him up and head back to Minnesota. When I left him we had a conversation about the trip back to Minnesota and he, "he", suggested that if time got too tight he would be willing to fly into Albuquerque which would save a lot of time on the road for me because I had to do all the driving. I had to do all the driving because Ralph has been faking an affliction from Parkinson's disease for years and he continues to play that charade even with me, to whom it was obvious. I know for a fact that Parkinson's disease can only be diagnosed by the symptoms manifested. The disease can only be definitively diagnosed after death by dissecting the brain. This I got from a PhD. Neuroscientist at the University of Minnesota. Ralph Livingston is a real con man, the real thing. A diagnosis of Parkinson's disease allows for large prescriptions of vicodin and percocet which Ralph is extremely addicted to. It also is an easy way to defraud the government out of Social Security disability benefits and rent subsidies. Ralph just threw all his other medications in a drawer and emptied it in the trash when it would get too full. On top of all the vicodin and percocets, Ralph likes to wear phentynol patches which he get illegally. The guy gets so fucked up he can't walk or talk and it started to fry his brain. When he's not on drugs he's perfectly fine.
Anyway, I called Ralph in Arizona from New Mexico and asked him if he would fly into Albuquerque because I was delayed in New Mexico and there was a severe storm in the mountains. He sounded reluctant on the phone but it was he that had to be back in Minnesota at a certain time to meet with his social worker to defend his rent subsidy and we weren't going to make it. Well he was pissed because I wouldn't drive back to Arizona to pick him up. Ralph had the only key to the apartment and I was heading back to Minnesota. Ralph said he would just fly all the way back and I could pick him up at the airport. I get back to Minnesota and Ralph doesn't show up with the key. I can't get management to let me in because I'm not a legal tenant. Ralph shows up a month later, just to fuck me over because he knew I had nowhere to stay. Well I didn't hang out, I went on to Tennessee to visit an old friend for a couple of weeks and when I got back to Minnesota I had to ask an old girlfriend of mine if I could crash at her house until Ralph got back. I know Ralph was disappointed that he didn't cause me much grief by keeping me locked out of the apartment for a month. He fucked himself over because he didn't make his appointment with his social worker.
Here's an interesting "higher power" story that blessed me during this escapade. I was the chair person for one of the AA meetings at the Dakota Alano club and therefore had a key to the "White House" in Eagan. One week before Ralph finally showed up I went to the apartment and for some reason I thought I would try some of my keys on the door. The first key I tried was the key to the Alano Club and I was completely shocked. The key opened the door like it was made for it. Walla, I was in, understand that I had been living there for over a year and the place was full of my furniture and personal things so I felt I had a right to it, legal tenant or not. I think that would stand up on it's own. But I really think the key thing was an act of my "higher power".
There's much much more to this story so stay tuned. Right now I've got something I've got to do. I'll be back later or tomorrow.

AA meetings

2010-03-18T09:43:00.000-05:00

Simon Says:
OK, got up this morning, dragged a comb across my head. Actually my room mate woke me up wanting to use my car. So I'm up now, have to get ready for an AA meeting. Not one I normally go to. This one is kind of clicky. They don"t take kindly to newcomers which is so contrary to the AA tradition. AA is supposed to embrace newcomers and welcome them with open arms. These are mostly women who are the snobbish ones. I wouldn't be going if it weren't for my sponsors request. It always takes people a little while to get used to me at these things because I have a tendency to poke holes in the 12 steps. I don't agree with them and I don't try to pretend that I do. My belief is more of a zen type philosophy, (live in the moment) where AA believes you have to keep rehashing the past in order to stay sober today. I'd rather forget about the past, when I think about it too much I just feel like having a drink. AA doesn't work, that has been proven. The only reason I keep going is there just isn't anything else. I thought about joining a buddhist church and may still. But for now I'll just keep going to AA. Besides, there's no place like AA to find new drinking buddies.
Tonight I'm going to bring a meeting to the local detox center where you have a captive audience and try to recruit new alcoholics. Pretty much a wast of time but something to do.

I'm back for good now

2010-03-15T00:44:00.000-05:00

Simon Says:
Hey I'm back. This time for real. I've been away for so long I need to get reacquainted with this whole blog. It needs a lot of fixing. The streaming audio thing is still my dream but I'm going to have to start from scratch. I lost two of my computers since I was on last, but I hung on to this one which wasn't easy. Time to upgrade anyway, just need to keep this hard drive.
I'll try to give you some perspective on where I've been for the last year or so. I realize I've probably lost all my former readers but they may come back. I left the shared house as I said I was going to and moved in with a friend who was also in the shared house. That didn't go well so I moved again, this time I rented a room in a house not far from here and that didn't go well either. Keep in mind that I had relapsed way before the first move. After that I moved to another place and didn't get along with the landlord there either. So I moved again, now I'm back at my friends house, the one I moved out on before. Pretty crazy. After this, no more roommates for me! I'm trying to save up enough to rent my own apartment for a change instead of renting rooms. Sober now, but it's only been a few days. That's the short version of the last year, maybe some of the details will emerge as we get back into this thing.
I just had dinner and had to go grocery shopping to get some food to cook. While at the grocery store I just happened to run into my AA sponsor whom I had just told a couple of weeks ago I was through with the AA program. Just fed up with it. Truth is I was sorry I left, AA had become my only social activity for the last 8 years that I don't know what to do with myself. So I told my old sponsor that I'm going back, maybe as early as tomorrow. The only thing about AA is you end up meeting a lot of people that still drink and I always end up right there with them. I can see how I gradually slid back downhill until I was back to where I started, almost. Caught myself before things got too bad, but I guess I need AA to keep me from going down the tubes too far. That means I've never been totally abstinent for very long. but it's those short stretches of sobriety that have kept me alive.
I just recently took a road trip out to Arizona with my roommate and ended up leaving him there. We were both too fucked up to make any rational decisions and he wanted to fly back so I left him there and took off to New Mexico. I stayed in New Mexico for a little more than a week and my roommate was supposed to be back here to Minnesota long before I. Turns out he never showed up for another month and when he got here I had to bring him directly to the ER because he was bleeding internally. The hospital said he was on the brink of death when I brought him in. They were even considering giving him an emergency liver transplant because his liver was all fucked up from doing too much vicodin and alcohol. This all happened within the last couple weeks. He's out of the hospital now but is still drinking and doing whatever else. I decided to sober up again and return to AA. My room mate isn't interested in AA or NA. Just wants to keep getting high.

Just needed a break

2010-03-14T00:36:00.001-06:00

OK, this isn't going to work. Trying to post from my phone. I'll keep this one short. Since leaving the shared housing situation I've moved four times. Still haven't found what I'm looking for. Right now I'm sharing an apartment with an old friend of mine. Not the ideal situation but, could be worse. I've grown to be so independant that I just don't like someone around always wanting to know what I'm doing or whare I'm going or anything. I never ask those kind of quetions. Since that's the biggest problem I have here its working out just fine, so far.

OK, I'm Back

2010-02-09T10:38:00.003-06:00

Simon Says:

Audio Streamed by the
BroadWave Streaming Audio Server
by NCH Swift Sound Software.

Corupt system

2009-04-05T00:27:00.002-05:00

Simon Says:

Yes, I know. My radio show isn't working and I guess I just can't seem to get the server software working. It'll happen someday, maybe. My partner doesn't seem to have the patients and flips out when things don't work out. I on the other hand have patients coming out of my ass. Anyway, That has got nothing to do with what I want to write about.
Oh two more thing before we get started; It's my birthday! Never thought I'd make it this long but here I am. The other thing you might want to know is I'm trying to kick the meds, not because I don't think I need them. I lost my insurance and my meds cost $650 a month; which I just can't afford. Ever heard of brain shivers? Well, I'm knee deep in them and it's not pleasant. I was trying not to drink alcohol but today I just needed something to take the edge off.
Now, back to the topic. Corruption, perniciousness that exists in the mental health system. There are four people living in this house and all of us suffer from suicidal depression. I'm the only one who's been in the system so long that I've managed to get Social Security Disability. Well, because I have money coming in the company that manages this house is requiring me to pay for all sorts of innocuous services as a condition of my living here. The first thing they did was cancel my medical insurance. Then they are requiring me to see a nurse every week at a cost of $110 for each visit. They raised my rent to $440/month. So In my mind I have no choice. Tomorrow I'm moving out. Oh, I'm not going down without making some waves!

Sorry

2009-03-25T01:52:00.004-05:00

Simon Says:
Audio Streamed by the
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by NCH Swift Sound Software.

Ralph and I are setting up a new web page for the MICD broadcast. It's been a little slow going, however; we are making some progress now. The new web page will be micdoffcenter.com, which should be up soon. I'll try to keep you posted as new events materialize.
I fell off the wagon a few weeks ago, but I'm back in shape and back to work. Been having much trouble with our server and just got side tracked. The Ralph Livingston Show will be up on the other web page soon and I will still maintain a link to it on this blog as well as a link to micdoffcenter.com.

The Ralph Livingston Show

2009-02-04T00:46:00.001-06:00

Simon Says:
Audio Streamed by the
BroadWave Streaming Audio Server

Sorry, this whole thing is in it's infancy. I don't want to have dead air but, we're off to a slow start here. I'm hoping we're online anyway, right now I'm just streaming some music. Because this is on my personal blog I'm a little apprehensive about telling friends to check it out. I know we had a pretty good show the other night. At least we had good intentions, however; the whole thing turned into a big party. Things will get better.

Simon-

OK, we are now live

2009-01-31T13:51:00.002-06:00

Simon Says:
Audio Streamed by the
BroadWave Streaming Audio Server
by NCH Swift Sound Software.

OK, finally a little closer to haveing everything up and running. Took a few phone calls to my ISP and a lot of trial and error, but I still need to work on setting up archived shows. We have a show planned for later this afternoon only problem is itttle be live and we are awaiting our guest. Won't be hapening for awhile yet but I'll announce it via RSS.
In the mean time I'm just playing with it so it's live only my partner is crashed out right now and no one else is here.
Simon

Ralph Livingston Live Shows

2009-01-31T10:42:00.002-06:00

Simon Says:
Audio Streamed by the
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by NCH Swift Sound Software.

Ok, update, Things have kinda settled down for me. Living in a shared house here in Burnsville, MN. I'm trying to get this live streaming thing running and it's driving me up a tree. Hope to have it running soon though. Going to have a lot of interesting shows on mental health, keep checking back. I'll also post when it's running.
Simon

Revelations

2008-11-15T05:18:00.002-06:00

Simon Says:
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Revelations:
I recently met a woman, a very beautiful woman. A psychotic woman and to me that makes her even more beautiful. She’s older now but in her younger days she was one of those rare beauties that could make a grown man cry … as the song goes.
Life is stranger than fiction, and we just don’t know what makes certain people gravitate towards one another or for that matter, what drives them apart. What is it that creates hostility and unconditional love? I sometimes think I know the answers; at least I’m sure I know some of them. I also know it doesn’t matter, life is what it is and that’s the macrocosmic answer.
I sometimes envy the simple minded; life is much easier on them. They find purpose in performing menial jobs, acquiring material luxuries that make them happy. Happiness is a little harder to find for others, I know I haven’t found it. I’m not even sure what it is. I haven’t been looking for it lately. I know if I ever had it its gone now, and I don’t seem to care. All I want to do is sleep and I can’t seem to get that right either. My dreams are a lot better than my life. I’ll go for days without sleep and then days when I can’t seem to wake up.
At the suggestion of the beautiful woman I read the last book of the New Testament. The extensive use of symbolism leaves whatever message that might be hidden in it wide open to an infinite number of interpretations. The only thing I feel is made very clear is that we are going to suffer even greater pain than we are experiencing now. The part that disappoints me is that it matters not how you live your life or who you are; you are still going to suffer and be slaughtered along with everyone else. Hopefully it’s not so and just more symbolism subject to your own personal interpretation.
I asked the woman how she could find comfort in such a thing and her response was that the human race is evil and there will be justice in the end. To me it sounds like we are living in hell and I’ve had that feeling for a long time.
I think she is right; the phenomenal part of this story is that this woman would open up to me and tell me things she claims to have not shared with anyone else. There must be a higher power behind the people we meet and the experiences we have. My question is why?

Change

2008-10-09T06:26:00.001-05:00

Simon Says:
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One other guarantee in life, is change. They always fail to mention it along with Death and Taxes. So there are three guarantees, "death, taxes and change". I'm only mentioning it here because I'm about to go through some changes, for the better, I hope.
This guy that runs this house has been hounding me to apply for a CADI (Community Alternatives for Disabled Individuals) waiver. I knew it meant more money for my rent here but when I found out how much more money it means it almost made me sick. If I was to be granted a CADI waiver this asshole would get double the rent he's collecting for me now. That would come to $2500/month to rent out a 12' X 12" room in his basement.
I live down here with two other guys that are receiving the CADI waiver and the whole shebang is fraud. The guy has to lie to the county about the services he provides and the recipients are coerced into signing paperwork stating that they are receiving these fictitious services. I'm just so disappointed in this procedure that I feel sick to my stomach. It's all fraud, right down the bureaucratic line.
Since I just happen to have enough wherewithal to give a damn, I won't be getting the CADI waiver and therefore have to move out to make room for someone a little less aware. Someone who'll sign anything that's put in front of them so this`asshole can get his $2500/month rent from the county (tax payers). Let's see, hmm, that comes to $7,500/month to do absolutely nothing but provide a place for three idiots to sleep. This shit is plain old fucking wrong. Hmm, I wonder what can be done about it?
So anyway, I've begun packing my bags again. They're looking for another place for me and this asshole is looking for reasons to kick me out ASAP because he is losing money every day I'm here. I think this is the first time a CADI waiver has been denied for him and he's not happy. It's no wonder he's having additional living space added on to the house, he's found a gold mine with this. Actually, I can't say I wouldn't do it myself, but I wouldn't do it the way he's doing it. This guy is so greedy he'd be feeding us dog food if he could.

Adult Foster Care

2008-09-22T06:23:00.004-05:00

Simon Says:
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Sucks ASS! I've been living here for almost five months and yes it does suck ass. The county put me here because they figured I was a danger to myself. What a joke this shit is. They (the county) is paying this guy $1260/month for me to live in a 12 foot square bedroom in the basement of this house with two other guys across the hall who play xbox video games 20hrs a day. Just thought I'd let you know how it's going, later.

Easy Money

2008-09-21T12:39:00.004-05:00

Simon Says:
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Hey, yes, I'm still alive. I've been kinda busy lately. I still have to go to therapy every day and lately I've been mess'n around with a few different women. Nice girls, but they take up a lot of my time.

I've also been donating my plasma (blood) for money. Twice a week, $40 a pop, that's $80 a week and the only hard part is getting to the place and back here in one day. I have to recommend plasma donation if you could use the money and it's used to save lives which is a feel good thing.

I met this one woman a few weeks ago and we were really getting along well. Only problem I have is that I don't have any financial resources right now so she, "kicked me to the curb", as they say. I'm not too broken up about it, but I do realize that women are primarily interested in financial stability and that's understandable.

I finally got my laptop running again. I'm composing this post on it. My copy of Windows XP is pirated and I didn't get the right key code with it. It's going to expire in 28 days unless I figure out a way to crack the key, my next project.

If anyone out there is looking for free music downloads get "Shareaza". Great file sharing program for music but most of the applications are loaded with virus's. Just make sure you have an on access virus scanner before mess'n around with it. I managed to get a clean copy of "Office 2007", but everything else I've tried was infected. Don't understand what the big thrill is in trying to wreck peoples operating systems but it does ruin a big part of the internet experience. Sometimes I think it's the anti-virus companies that are unleashing a lot of the simple trojans out there, nothing better than the ability to create your own demand.

I'm, back in DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy), probably mentioned it before but I want to add a little note here. DBT is a good thing, only it pays to do your own research on it because insurance companies don't allow enough time for the formal therapy to be presented in a very useful way. I'm leaning away from 12 step (AA) and putting more effort into DBT. I want to start a small DBT support group, but then again there's a lot of things I'd like to do if I had the time.

I've also been getting into Japanese Kanji calligraphy, if you want to exercise your memory skills, Kanji is an excellent way to go and you learn a new language at the same time. There are around 8000 Kanji symbols, seems overwhelming to learn but I'm just taking it one symbol at a time.

I'm having a lot of trouble getting used to this foster care crap, but I use the DBT skills to help me endure it. I was originally court ordered here but my stay of commitment has been lifted and I'm here voluntarily now. Going to stay here until my SSDI goes through and I'm now on the waiting list for section 8 housing. I have a few new friends on section 8 and they have beautiful apartments with all the amenities. They tell you it's a 2-3 year waiting list but I've got a feeling it's not that long. That sort of propaganda is to discourage you from sticking to it.

I sure wish I could make a little money on the side. I want to get my own server and a T1 line, I've got to be careful not to suck up all this`guys bandwidth all the time, and it's getting a little old.

I am looking for pen pals in the mental health field, (anyone suffering from MI issues) so we`can learn the system together. I try to post all I know, but I need to know more. Don't hesitant to email me or post comments on this blog.

Oh, that's a pic of Shooter's where I like to play pool after I get my blood money.

Some Things are Hard to Shake

2008-08-30T06:17:00.003-05:00

Simon Says:
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Sorry, I've been a little busy lately and haven't made time to keep up with my writing. I'm in a constant state of recovery and spend most of my time with it. I should be trying to get some sleep tight now but feel compelled to update my blogs.
Things are going well with the DBT program only I was surprised to find myself being the only male in a group of about 15 or so women. That's just fine with me, can't complain. I know I've been getting better, I'm starting to feel like my mind is healing in some ways; however, my memory still isn't working worth a shit. I had a few ECT treatments a while back and they warned me that it would affect my memory but that it would be a temporary thing and nothing to be too concerned about.
Well I think it's been around 10 months now and I actually feel like my memory problem is getting worse all the time. I don't seem to have much trouble with little insignificant recollections but I'm constantly forgetting important significant things. I'm not going to give a bunch of examples right now but at times I think maybe I'm getting alzheimer's.
Oh well, It could just be a side affect of some of the medication I'm taking. I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist on Tuesday and we'll see what he thinks.
I was planning on making this a long post but I'm starting to doze off. I'll be back Sunday and finish updating.

Experimental post

2008-08-19T18:57:00.002-05:00

Simon Says:
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OK, this is just a trial post. I keep experimenting with different things here. This is just a post to see if it satisfies the sponsor of my audio program.

The Real Story on Alcoholism

2008-08-18T04:29:00.005-05:00

Simon Say's:

Hey all, Seven months sober now as of August 10, 2008. They say it takes a year to begin to reverse the damage done by years of abuse. In my case it may be longer, throughout my adventures I've come to realize that I've been exceptionally abusive. Three suicide attempts has left my brain a little more damaged than the average.
For the uninformed out there I wasn't visiting the psych wards because I was a little intoxicated. I was there because I almost died and had no intention of giving up that quest. Practice makes perfect. I don't believe in the old saying that suicide is a "Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem". I don't care how temporary depression is supposed to be, for me it's been a permanent condition. Start throwing anxiety attacks on top of the depression as well as other disorders and there's no way you can tell that person that things are going to improve.
I've been attending group therapy for health and wellness for the last couple of months and now I'm moving on to a different group. This time it's DBT, 12 hours of outpatient therapy every week for as long as it takes. DBT is not new to me, I participated in a 90 day inpatient DBT treatment program not too long ago. DBT stands for Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and it's based on Eastern philosophy. Mostly Zen Buddhism which I'm totally into so I fit right in. It's a new alternative to the old drudgery of 12 step programs and the main premise is to build a life worth living. I start my first group tomorrow afternoon. One informative note I would like to add here is that DBT is something you have to actively seek and demand once you're in the mental health system, otherwise you'll end up in a 12 step program which I'm not totally dismissing; however, it hasn't worked well for me.
I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic and you probably aren't one either. What I am is a man with a lot of different mental illness issues whose only legal relief came out of a bottle. I find it a little amazing that as intelligent as our species has become it still is blind in many areas. Alcoholism is definitely over diagnosed. It's an automatic diagnosis to anyone who self medicates with alcohol, when for a lot of people the alcohol is only a symptom of wide variety of other illnesses that go untreated because of simple ignorance of our medical professionals and education institutions. As a person aware of this condition it's nearly impossible to convey this small tidbit of knowledge to our societies medical professionals. In many cases it's due to the narcissistic nature of Md's.
I do believe that 12 step programs can be of a lot of help to the real alcoholic, ( a person with a psychological and physical obsession with alcohol). On the other side of the same coin I don't believe the 12 steps of Alcoholic's Anonymous are of much use to the mentally ill. Depression, anxiety attacks, episodes of mania are mental illnesses, not obsessions with alcohol. Most people suffering from these illnesses but in varying degrees. When these illnesses become so severe that they interfere with a persons ability to march in step with the masses, then you have a problem that needs to be treated like any other illness. The sad fact is that these illnesses are too often ignored if the individual suffering from them has used alcohol for relief. The immediate diagnosis (knee jerk) is alcoholic. The tragedy is that these people often end up dead.
I've come a long way. I too had many misconceptions about mental illness and therefor understand the ignorance that pervades our society. Most people will never develop their knowledge on this subject until the day they begin to realize that it doesn't just happen to other people. One day they may wake up and find it almost impossible to get out of bed.

The Good Life

2008-08-12T03:05:00.003-05:00

Simon Says:

I shoud've left this blog 100% anonymous, but I didn't. No biggie really, I guess. I'm a total, 100% loner. I wasn't always that way, just got tired of dealing with all the bullshit that comes with socializing. People are so damned out of touch with reality I can't take it any more.
The truth is, we're only here in this life for a short time and every moment is different from the last one. Weather you make big money at your job or have the most impressive credentials really doesn't mean shit. What's important is how you live your life, taking the time to look around, finding those little treasures that everyone else is too busy to see. Trying to solve some of the many mysteries that make up our world.
The average American spends all their time working to impress others, working so they can have a nicer car than the neighbors. Putting all their efforts into developing a higher social standing. Manicuring their lawns, dressing up their homes, constantly seeking the approval of others in the same boat.
When the days comes that you are old, weak and totally dependant on others to keep you alive and you are ready to breath your last breath; then at that moment you will come to realize that you've wasted your whole life doing nothing. You've accomplished nothing, you've made no contributions to society that'll have a lasting affect. You've done nothing and you worked your ass off doing it. Congratulations and Adios.

The Truth as I see it Today

2008-08-11T01:42:00.003-05:00

Simon Says:
OK, here's what's been happening lately. Tonight I went to an AA meeting here in Minnesota (the land of 10,000 treatment centers). I go to a lot of
meetings and I look at them all as place to practice my public speaking skills, and of course to get support in recovering from some of my addictions. I just
got home a few minutes ago which is way beyond my curfew. This curfew is a house rule that I tend to violate every now and then. So anyway I made a little
speech tonight on my theory regarding substance abuse. I thought I'd enter it here for all.
Most substance abusers, by substance I'm referring to chemicals, are riddled with fear of one thing or another. It doesn't really matter what your fear is focused on. It's just a simple fact that fear lurks there somewhere. Hmmm, let me back up a little.
We all have at least two personalities. Our sober personality and our intoxicated personality. Our intoxicated personality is always there in the background, suppressed by by what Sigmund Freud referred to as our "super ego". The super ego is sometimes referred to as the father figure or our perception of what is right and wrong, our conscience or moral beliefs.
We've all seen the cartoons where the main character struggles with two separate entities sitting on his opposite shoulders. One is telling him to behave
in one particular way and the other is telling him to behave in the opposite way. These two entities are our two personalities and in different situations either one could be professing the proper action. The ego or self (our thinking mind) must chose which course of action best fits the situation at hand.
Now here's where the problem comes in. The addicts sober personality doesn't have the ability to perform either action at will. It can only behave in one way and that particular way may not be the best course of action for every situation. This may not be true for everyone but I have come to the conclusion that this is my mode of operation. When my ego realizes that my intoxicated personality is better suited to deal with the situation or event which it finds itself in then it unleashes that personality the only way it knows how, and that is to unlock its cage with the key of intoxication. When my intoxicated personality is cut loose my sober personality becomes the one locked up. There's no way for me to work with both of them at the same time, it's either one or the other. Once the intoxicated personality is out, everything changes. What was a situation that my sober self had a difficult time dealing with, my intoxicated self handles with ease. For me the intoxicated self is much more aggressive and fears almost nothing. If my ego believes that aggression and destruction are needed for survival it takes this course of action and in my case it rarely, if ever, has failed me.
The big problem with unleashing this facet of my personality is that it knows no bounds and the destruction can go way beyond that what is necessary, causing pain and suffering in it's wake. Once the dust has settled and the intoxicated personality returns to its cage the sober personality is once again cut loose and in some of the more extreme cases has no knowledge of what the intoxicated self has done.
As the sober self begins to see what all has taken place the super ego begins it's work of condemning the actions of the intoxicated self. This condemnation manifests itself in the form of anxiety, feelings of guilt and shame. These feelings of condemnation then lead to depression which can be unbearable and only effect the sober ego.
The solution for relief? Let the intoxicated self out again, because the intoxicated self is not affected by the punishing actions of the super ego, in fact the super ego has no control over the intoxicated self. Thus begins the long term presence of the intoxicated ego which takes over as the predominant condition which the ego must maintain in order to avoid the punishing manifestations of the super ego. The longer the intoxicated ego is allowed to rein the more of the super ego's ideals are violated.
The super ego has no power over the intoxicated ego and can only impose punishment on the sober ego. The intoxicated ego's ability to remain uncaged are limited and eventually has to return to the cage to rest. As the sober ego emerges from the cage it is hit with the full brunt of the super ego's punishing wrath. This punishment can be so severe it can result death.

Audio Server

2008-08-02T14:22:00.002-05:00

Simon Says:
Looks like I'm having a little trouble with this audio server. I guess that's the way it goes when you try and get by without spending too much. I have a few audio clips that I'd like to be able to stream and eventually I'll get it straightened out.
I've been reading a really good book on the Zen way of dealing with depression and I'd like to recommend it: "The Zen Path through Depression", by Philip Martin. I haven't finished it yet, but so far it seems the main premise is to be the observer and try not to resist your feelings, rather examine your feelings and discover what it is that your mind is trying to communicate to you. My interpretation may be different than yours though so I recommend reading it for yourself.
I've been going through a lot of therapy, group and individual. I've been participating in group therapy for years now and at first I couldn't see how it could be of any help. Now I'm beginning to realize that slowly over time I am changing my outlook. I didn't want to be labelled as having a mental illness and therefor resisted seeking help for it. Seeking help is the first step to acceptance and the only way out. Must be careful though, there are different routs one can take and they go in very different directions. For me getting caught up in court ordered treatment centers and half-way houses is not the way to go! These places are not in the business of helping people, rather they are in the business of making money and I think we all know what that means.
I'm in a good place now, very professional and am making some progress. I'm beginning to see that I've been living in a world of negativity all my life, a world that we all live in. There is another way though one that I have a hard time seeing. I have a hard time seeing it because it is not the main stream society of America. I believe we have to find different sub cultures to be healthy. Anger, greed or jealousy and fear are the cause of most of our pain and suffering. Our capitalistic society thrives on these three basic emotions. We have no choice here, we must make a living and therefor be competitive. Our private lives however, need to be lived in a different way.

Audio Stream

2008-07-31T22:25:00.001-05:00

Simon Says:
I think I got it working! Try clicking on the girl with the balloon.

AA Meeting Audio Stream

2008-07-28T07:41:00.002-05:00

Simon Says:
I'm working on it. I don't have access to the router, at least it ain't going to be easy. I hope to have it working ASAP though.

Life Under Duress

2008-07-26T02:30:00.003-05:00

Simon Says:
Hey all, I've been a little busy lately. Probably trying to do too much but things are gradually getting done. I've been living in this group home since May 1 of this year. Everything started out OK even though this guy that owns the house was ignoring everything we talked about during the intake, I was able to tactfully remind the guy of our original agreements. He complied, reluctantly, but I didn't care much about that as long as we came to an understanding.
I don't remember if I mentioned my dissapointment in the food here but it is definately a dissapointment. My hosts here are natives of Nigeria, Africa and have quite a few different customes when it comes to food. I can handle just about anything given my experiences of late. There was a time when I wouldn't put up with any shit, but I've been humbled and I believe my humility is a sign of my progress. I was thinking last night how much I've actually changed in the last few years, all good changes. I still have have a lot of the same old thoughts run through my head, but I've learned that there are better ways of expressing myself. My old way was very direct and straight to the point. Now I'm a bit more tactful, which is much more productive because the direct approach usually stimulates emotional responses. Beating around the bush and the art of flanking the issue is much more fun as well. I never request quarter (definition no. 23) when I'm in battle with someone and I offer none, this personality trait of mine has not changed.
Anyway, back on topic, this guy whom I won't name because too many people are beginning to read my blogs and I need to be a little carefull. I still only write the exact truth, only I need to be cognizant of my personal survival. This guy, I'll call him Dissanus, because he talks out of the side of his ass. Every time we sit down to eat the routine is that all glasses are turned upside down until our thanks to god is expressed. We all have to hold hands around the table and Dissanus directs an individual of his choice to say grace. Then we can turn our glasses right side up and begin to eat. At this time Dissanus begins to comment on how we only eat the healthiest of foods. These comments are only expressed because Dissanus is so cheap with the food he won't buy any food that isn't just basic sustanence foods. A typical meal consists of the cheapest hot dogs he can find as well as hot dog buns that you have to slice open yourself. I don't know where he gets them but I've never had a hot dog bun that wasn't presliced so you can just open it up and stick the hot dog in. There's never any ketchup or mustard on the table (you have to ask) before he'll get it out of the fridge. My theory on this routine is that Dissanus is hoping that we will take the hint that he would rather we didn't use ketchup and mustard because it's too expensive. Then I have to ask for onion, because I just can't eat a hotdog without onions on it. At this point I have to go myself and dig around in the fridge for some old piece of onion and chop it up myself, I guess I'm the only one here that'll eat onion, no one else can stand onions. Well, that I don't care about, I do like onions. I know he's found a place where he can buy old bread because the last time we had hot dogs I noticed one of the buns had mold on it. This isn't a problem with Dissanus and his familly because they eat the same crap, not much of it though, because they have to save stomach room for when they go out to eat when we're all done eating. We have other things for dinner but it's all along the same line as the hotdog thing.
Day before yesterday I told him I'm eating my own thing and I don't want to eat with the familly anymore because the kind of food I eat no one will like. He was surprised and didn't know how to respond. Then I told him that the only thing I usually eat is rice and tofu with seeweed and that it won't cost as much as the hotdogs. Hmmm, well if it costs less than hotdogs then maybe that'll be OK. He wanted to go to the Asain food store on Cliff Rd to see what it costs and he was delighted. So now I'm the only one in the house that can use the kitchen and cook my own dinners, as long as it's only rice and tofu. So now I guess I'm a vegan, I will only eat rice and tofu, no more cheap hotdogs and moldy buns. I'm happy and I'll be a lot healthier eating this way. Only I'm not really used to eating the same thing every day, but I will just to avoid the really healthy hot dogs. I think I was getting sick from the shit.
One other thing I feel the need to mention is that Nigerians don't worry about refridgerating left over food. They just leave it on the counter and will eat it the next day. I actually found that part to be a little scary but I was surprised that I only got the shits a couple of times.
I only feel a little angry about this situation because I know that the county pays him pretty good money to provide room and board for us, "nut cases". But I've heard of this kind of abuse in the past and I know it doesn't do any good to file complaints to the county. It just makes things worse because the owner of the house is able to make any rules he feels is necessary to maintain order in the house.

A Synopsis of Depression

2008-07-19T03:07:00.003-05:00

Simon Says:

Exploring Depression

When we stop running, we can begin to look at what is
happening with us. We may be terrified, but we can set aside our
fear for a moment. We can just explore the situation.
We may have had preconceptions about depression---but we will find that these are of no use to us, because they are nothing like a direct experience of depression itself.
In depression we are in a world we have never seen before. We may feel that we are different from other people. It can be as though everyone is speaking a language we don't understand. Our minds struggle to keep up with all that is happening around us. Even the air and light seem different from what we have known before.
Depression is not merely a deeper experience of our normal emotions of sadness, suffering, or grief. Those emotions are of course present. But depression is an experience entirely different, in both body and mind, from anything we have known before.
We need to learn the lay of this land called depression, both to help us find our way out, and to help us survive while we are here. The path out of here may be difficult, and may take us a while to find.
So it makes sense for us to get our bearings, and explore this territory we find ourselves in.
Intense emotions are present in us; hopelessness, worthlessness, and a profound and unexplained sadness. We feel that we are all alone. Thoughts of death intrude into our consciousness. We may even be obsessed with thoughts of suicide.
Our mind feels as though it isn't working right. It is difficult for us to form thoughts, to speak, even to make simple decisions. We feel a mental exhaustion, and our memory often doesn't seem to work. There is a slowing of our body and mind. Yet there is a speeding up of that voice in our head, screaming terrible things about us and the rest of the world. Depression robs us of our attention and judgement at the very time when we need them the most.
We also feel a physical exhaustion. We feel weighed down as though we are moving through water, or in heavy gravity. We move slowly and often feel that whatever it is we want to do, is not worth the effort. We may feel that all we want to do is sleep.
The world around us seems different. It's as though someone has slowly turned down the lights, until it is too difficult to see. All around us we see filth and decay, hopelessness and death. we are intensely attuned to the sadness in the world, both our own pain and the pain of others.
This place feels as cold and lifeless as the moon, and as deadly as the barren desert. Or it may be a dark, menacing, overgrown forest where we can't see any way out, or even know in which direction to turn. Or we may feel like we are at the bottom of the ocean, where no light can penetrate, we can't breath, and the pressure bears down hard on us.
Depression can come on slowly. It can be like the light fading at the end of the day: you hardly notice it until you can't see your hand in front of your face. Or it can be like walking in a thick fog; you don't notice how wet it is until you are soaked.
But we can't run away, so we have to stay. We pay attention to our thoughts, our desire to run, to forget about the pain. We have no choice, we stay and live with an awareness that others can hardly understand.
Depression is an illness, a disease of the mind, body and spirit. It interferes with our ability to see what's good about this life and to feel any hope for the future. It makes being alive feel like a curse. Yet we are afraid to run so we must stay and fight.

Humility 謙そん

2008-07-12T20:25:00.007-05:00

Simon Says:
I've been to a lot of places, done a lot of things. I plan on going to more place and doing a lot more if I keep on living. I couldn't get through a single day if I hadn't learned the concept of humility and how to handle and accept humiliation. I know we often take our status in the community for granted until one day you end up, for whatever reason, in the custody of the police. There are a variety of personalities within the law enforcement organization. I can't say they're all assholes, but the greater majority of them are. You've got to consider what it is that attracts a person into that field of service. The most professional police I've encountered were the Federal Park Police in Washington, DC. The least professional were the Dakota County Deputy Sheriffs at the courthouse in Hastings, MN. I had to go to court for a civil matter a couple of months ago and I got a little roughed up by the Deputy Sheriff. Long story, but it was totaly uncalled for. I wasn't there on a criminal issue it was totally a civil matter but this cop treated me like I was a total lowlife, locked me in a holding cell as I awaited my turn to see the judge. I guess I didn't go easy, but I didn't see any reason for them to think I needed to be locked up in a cell, I figured I should be able to sit and wait my turn like anyone else, so we got into a little scuffle. I thought the guy was going to have a heart attach, good thing I didn't swing at him, I just offered resistance as I was put in the cell. I have to admit I was pissed and I don't get that way easily.

Thanks Michelle, for the vote of confidence, I was actually feeling a little unsteady when I got your comment and it did lift my spirits!

I started seeing a new therapist two weeks ago and so far I kinda like this guy, sounds like he's been in the business for awhile and that's what I need. Also, it turns out we moved here from the same town out in Virginia and know a lot of places out East in common. So he knows my work and some of the things I did out there. We both lived in a place called Clarendon, VA which is an upscale city inside the beltway in Washington, DC. Maybe two miles from the Pentagon and the Arlington National Cemetary. I lived there for about four years and had a small business in Vienna, VA. His name is Mark and it's hard to tell how old he is, for me anyway. I'm not trying to be vain or anything but I just happen to look ten years younger than I am and I guess that's because I have Japanese ancestry.

I hate to do this but I should start being a litle careful what I write, my readership has expanded a little and I believe it's had an affect on me a couple of times in recent weeks. Hmmm, I should, but then again I should be doing a lot of things.

For anyone out there that's been following my rants, I'm going to be changing the URL of this site because there are certain people that are more than a little upset with me right now. Only problem is I don't know how to change the URL and still be able to keep it available to those that I want to continue to be able to read my stuff? You see I made the mistake of putting a link to this blog on one of my other blogs that isn't anomimous, so anyone comming in through there knew exactly who I am and I've been getting some grief since then. This may be my last post as micdaa@blogger.com. Here's what I'm going to do: My instant messenger service is yahoo and I'm daveares@Yahoo.com, Just IM me if you want the new URL. The feed will be inoperable also until I get sround to reburning it. Sorry, but shit does happen and a lot more often than you think.

Never Ending Battle

2008-07-11T02:25:00.005-05:00

Simon Says:
OK, I'm back. I've been kinda under the weather for the last week or so. I tried to go off my meds, bad idea, but I had to see what would happen. I ran out of my klonopin and because I'm sick and tired of getting the third degree interrogation every time I get my prescription renewed, this time I thought I'd quit taking them.
Here's what happened, the first couple of days everything was fine. Then I got zapped a couple of times and I was expecting that, only these weren't the standard zaps you get when you withdraw from an SSRI, these were ten times as powerful. The zaps stopped and I thought everything was cool. Then I got zapped again and this time it felt like someone just punched me in the face. It's about four days without the klonopin now and I'm feeling a little paranoid after the punch in the face. They say you can have seizures if you do what I was doing and that's what was beginning to worry me a little. About six days into the withdrawal I'm gradually slipping deeper into this paranoid state because I keep getting an occasional zap, thinking one of these times I'm going to have that seizure. Paranoia starts turning into anxiety. I try to boost my SSRIs to compensate for the klonopin, didn't help. Anxiety was getting worse and I couldn't sleep. I was up for days, no sleep at all then I fell asleep for about five hours and woke up feeling refreshed. Then I was up for another couple of days then another day, no sleep. I realize I'm not looking too well when I look in the mirror, then it dawns on me that I haven't been taking care of myself. I start getting paranoid that someone might notice or that I'm behaving differently than usual which adds to my anxiety level. I start feeling moody along with the anxiety, I can't stop moving around or relax. The moodiness starts getting worse, I'm still taking my anti depressants at a little higher dose but I feel like shit.
Full on depression starts to settle in and I decide I'm going to go see a doctor and try to get back on track. I'm around two weeks without klonopin now and running out of my other meds so logged on to my pharmacy account to order some refills and walla! The doctor I've been seeing renewed my klonopin prescription without me knowing about it! No questions asked, there it was. I ordered them, went and picked them up, and within hours of taking the first pill I was starting to feel better. That was yesterday and right now I'm back. I fell asleep and slept most of the day and I'm feeling fine again. Paranoia, depression, anxiety all gone. Like flipping a switch. All I can say is whew!
Now I know the consequences of going off the klonopin, only I know I'll have trouble getting them in the future which just ain't right. I found the combination of medications that works for me but I have to fight tooth and nail for them, or go back to drinking. Pisses me off completely, but I don't want to go back to drinking unless forced into it by the medical idiots. Damn, they sure are fucking stupid.

The Assessment

2008-07-04T15:50:00.005-05:00

Simon Says:
Some of the most common forms of anxiety disorders include--
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD):
GAD occurs when normal worries and fears turn into persistent, nagging thoughts that affect various aspects of daily life. The most common symptoms of this particular type of anxiety disorder include: - chest pains, chronic worrying, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, feelings of dread, unease, inability to control anxious thoughts, insomnia or trouble staying asleep, irritability, nausea, stomach problems, procrastination, restlessness, sweating, trembling, shaking, twitching.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD):
Characterized by unwanted and repetitive thoughts or compulsions, OCD causes seemingly uncontrollable thoughts and obsessions. Some of the most often experienced symptoms or types of obsessions include: - fear of germs, fear of disorder, fear of causing harm to either oneself or other people, intense superstitions or obsessing about luck, excessive religious thoughts.
Panic Disorder:
Panic attacks are sudden, unexpected periods of intense discomfort, fear, and or anxiety. As many as a third of all adults have experienced a panic attack at some time in their lives marked by symptoms such as: - chest pains, dizziness, feeling out of control, heart palpitations, pounding heart, racing pulse, hot or cold flashes, nausea, shaking or trembling, smothering sensation in the chest.
Social Anxiety Disorder or Social Phobia:
Affecting as many as 15% of American adults at any one time, social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is defined by an overwhelming fear of public humiliation. Both men and women are equally affected by this anxiety disorder, which usually begins in childhood or adolescence and can be accompanied by other conditions such as depression. Social phobia is defined as a disabling fear of embarrassment or public scrutiny, leading people to avoid social gatherings. Some of the more common symptoms of social anxiety disorder include: - a fear of being judged or scrutinized by people. Avoidance of social situations, extreme self-consciousness, fear of doing something embarrassing or humiliating, intense fear or worrying before a social event, sometimes days or weeks in advance.
Common Emotional and Psychological Symptoms:
Regardless of the exact type of disorder, the most common emotional and psychological symptoms associated with all anxiety disorders may include a few, or several of the following: - apprehension or uneasiness, avoidance of social situations and activities, behavioral problems in children and teenagers, confusion, hyper vigilant about one's surroundings, insecure and self-conscious, intense feelings of apprehension, fear of dying or going insane, feelings of irritability, feeling trapped, unable to escape, restlessness, edginess.
Physical Symptoms of Anxiety Disorders:
In addition to the numerous emotional effects, some anxiety disorder symptoms may also be physical in nature. Because of this, many people mistakenly believe they have some other type of medical illness or condition, rather than realizing they are the effects of anxiety. Some of these physical symptoms include: - cold, clammy skin, diarrhea, headaches, insomnia, fatigue, muscle tension, shortness of breath, sweating, tremors.
If you have had any of these symptoms you're just a normal, common, everyday, human being. If any of these symptoms are overwhelming and debilitating, you're in trouble and need to seek help. Don't look for help at the local bar or liquor store though, and if you have, don't mention it to anyone in the medical profession. You will immediately be labelled an alcoholic which disqualifies you from any medical help. You'll end up getting a prescription for AA, which is just fucking stupid.

Anxiety Disorder

2008-06-30T14:04:00.003-05:00

Just want everyone to see this, click the heading to this post. If you suffer from anxiety disorder like I do, better get it under control, even if it means demanding help.
Psychiatric protocol prohibits treatment of anxiety disorders in people with a history of substance abuse, so you've got to demand a deviation. Not easy but it can be done, it worked with me but I have to go through the same bullshit every time I get a prescription refilled. The basis of their protocol is unfounded and simply ridiculous.

Universal Life Force

2008-06-27T18:45:00.005-05:00

Reiki

GOKAI (The Five Basic Reiki Principles)
"The secret method of inviting good fortune.”

The marvelous medicine for all sickness,
Just for today:

Do not be angry
Do not worry
Be grateful
Work with integrity
Be kind to others.

Usui Mikao

KMA

2008-06-21T04:52:00.002-05:00

Haven't been doing too well lately. I guess I'm starting to get the fuck its again. Just waiting out my time. Seems like life has been going on a little too long for me. Birds are making a lot of racket outside. I live in a basement, in the back. I've got a window but I never raise the blinds. I know what's going on though, I'm a self proclaimed electronics genius and I've got a camera and microphone out in the front yard. It's one of the only things I watch on TV. One of the only things. The sun has been rising for the last half hour or so but not much else. I'm working on another camera I stripped out of an old cell phone, plan on putting that one in a park about two blocks from here, haven't given the details a lot of thought just yet, it will be a challenge.
I've been reading this book I got turned on to by one of my AA sponsors that committed suicide a few years back. It's a pretty thick book with pages as thin as they make. It's not an easy read. I've been reading it for at least three years. The book is supposedly authored by a guy named Jesus who's died a long time ago. It's a long story how this book materialised, maybe twenty or thirty years ago, so I won't go there, for now anyway. Anyway, one thing in it makes a lot of sense to me and that has to do with personal attacks on us from any of our brothers or sisters. Jesus says that we're all brothers and sisters and we're separated by something called the ego. Healing this separation and reuniting us as we ought to be is the premise of the book. A difficult undertaking at best. The ego continues to dominate us but if we follow a few simple directives we can overcome the ego. The problem here is, to get everyone to rid themselves of the ego so we can end the separation and be reunited with god. By the looks of things, it ain't happening anytime soon. Jesus also says that time doesn't really exist. But I won't get into that just yet either.
So here's the deal, I've been attacked. I also suffer from something called blunting. Blunting is psychiatric term used to describe a condition where someone lacks emotional reaction. A blunted person has no trouble understanding emotional reactions, he or she just doesn't feel them. Kind of like Spock on Star Trek. Not reacting emotionally to a verbal attack does not mean you don't recognise the attack, you do definitely make a mental note of it though and save the note for further analysis when the chaotic situation is over.
One of the major problems with this flat emotional affect is that the person on the attack will obviously see that their abusive comments aren't producing the desired reaction which provokes an escalation in the attack. Frustration and bewilderment are the end result for the attacker, while the blunted victim might say, "hey, this coffee seems to taste better than usual, should we have another round"?
I've given all the abusive comments I received during that one sided conversation some careful consideration. Trying to decide how I should react. I mean what would be the proper reaction and whether or not I should do what most people would. I spend most of my time trying not to act as others do just because that's the way others act. I do this because I realise that the great majority of people don't think for themselves, rather; they try to march in step with what has been taught to them by mass hysteria, social norms, cultural influence, and of course TV sitcoms.
Getting back to that book I was talking about, Jesus says that any attack on your brother is actually a cry for help. I'm going to go with that and offer my forgiveness. As for the cry for help, I only wish I could. If there is anything I can do I surely will, only thing I ask is that you don't forget that I am your brother and I'm not in the best shape.

Pitty Party

2008-06-08T02:22:00.004-05:00

This has been on my mind for most of the day, the "Pity Party". Anyone who attends AA on a regular basis is familiar with this stupid catch phrase. AA'ers (not all of them) have lost touch with the basic concept of a support group. I've been to around 1,500 AA meetings and I'm a bit sick of the ambiance set by the old cronies. These assholes believe an AA meeting can be botched up because someone, suffering from an overwhelming emotional crisis, shares their misfortune with the group. When I use the term "old cronies", I make no reference to the chronological age of the ass. There are plenty of young old cronies in AA.
The other night I was at a meeting and a woman began to speak of her struggles with alcoholism, became emotional and started to cry. Of course silence overtook the room and the woman, too distressed to continue, got up and left.
OK, so that's the way it goes, happens all the time. The part that disturbed me was after the meeting. This group likes to extend things out a little with fellowship activities following the meetings. That's cool and I like that part and do participate. You never know where we'll go, usually something different or mix it up, coffee, Perkins, etc. Well i was disappointed when we were having coffee at the comments coming from a couple of the cronies. Like, "Well that pity party ruined tonight's meeting", and "You know, that's not the kind of thing I wanna hear when I go to a meeting."
The point here is, these are the happy- happy, joy- joy people. Every AA group has them and they believe that AA meetings exist for the sole purpose of uplifting every ones mood and enthusiasm for sobriety. I believe this is definitely a part of it but room must be made for those that aren't to the point of teetotaling bliss. Everyone has to start at the bottom and when AA starts putting the newcomers aside then AA has lost sight of its purpose. As you well know I believe AA is washed out as it is.

Shorty

2008-05-26T14:00:00.003-05:00

Short note, just to let you know I'm still here. I've agreed to go to the Burnsville mall with a couple of friends. Yes, I said "friends", been working on that. Never really made much of an effort to have friends, but I've been advised to do so by my therapist. I really don't feel like going anywhere but I guess that's where the effort part comes into play.
I posted a little rant on one of my other blogs and thought I'd share it here:

Ok, Things change. People are so damned impatient it's a wonder anything of true value ever gets accomplished. I find it extremely annoying when people want things the way they want them right this minute, and have no sense for long term accomplishments. It's a sure sign of american cultural contamination. People have no concept of procedure and the true nature of accomplishment. It's simply impossible to be what you want or have what you expect, immediately. You have to go through a process, which means starting out wading through knee deep bogs of shit and slowly climbing up out of the stink. The frustrating thing is the way people view you while you're in the shit. They are so cought up in their cultural beliefs that they perceive you as frozen in time. There's an old term (uniformatarianism) which is normally applied to scientific views of the earth and universe but I feel it's applicable in this context. Some People with academic credentials in one field of study, actualy believe it qualifies them as experts in just about every subject. At least they believe their opinions carry more weight than those of others, who've actually lived knee deep in the subject. The opinions of the real experts are discounted only because they don't have a college degree in basket weaving. This concept is simply ludicrous. I just wish the basket weavers didn't feel so compelled to preach on subjects on which they have no knowledge.

One more:

Yep, Decoration Day (Civil War). Today we call it Memorial Day. That'll be Monday of course. The last Monday in May. This year it's the 26th. Couldn't think of anything to start out with and then I remembered that tomorrow is Memorial Day. Most people have forgotten that Memorial Day is more than the traditional start of Summer. If you click on the heading to this post you can refresh your memory. Otherwise just go have a picnic or something. I always feel a little guilty about not going to Ironwood and visiting my Dad's grave, but I find Ironwood to be a little repulsive.
Ironwood is a town full of ignorant, "has beens" and will be for a long time. I just hope those people don't spread out too far, don't need that element in main stream society. It's not just Ironwood, MI it's the entire UP of MI. Anyway, I'm probably the only former resident that feels that way so no cause for concern. I may sneak up there some day before I die, just to say adios in my own twisted way.
I've been advised to break up my ramblings into smaller paragraphs, but that means shortening my thoughts into smaller expressions. I always thought a paragraph maintained it's integrity as long as it stayed on topic. My research indicates no definitive rule and that different writers have different techniques. I will take the advise however. A doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient.
Today, I had brunch with my brother (coffee) at Starbucks, I don't drink coffee much anymore, just on special occasions. My new beverage of choice is green tea and I've figured out a way to make it that can't be beat. I've got a fairly fancy coffee maker and one day I thought I'd try to make my tea with it, works great. You know how green tea is normally weak looking, kinda clear with very little color. My tea comes out as dark as coffee and It tastes great, not to mention all the positive health Benefits. You've got to get authentic green tea though (ryokucha) from the Camellia Sinensis plant. I've been drinking at least three cups a day. Just make sure you brush your teeth after, tea is worse than coffee when it comes to staining your teeth.
I've come to the conclusion that I am not an alcoholic, there are reasons why I had a problem with alcohol and alcoholism isn't one of them. I've had enough education on the subject to warrant a PhD. There is a problem with low level perception though and that's that anyone who has consumed mass quantities of alcohol is an alcoholic. I've got news for those of you who still believe that myth. Yes there are alcoholics and they have uncontrollable urges to drink, but on the other side of the same coin there are people that only drink because of anxiety and depression issues. The latter are not alcoholics, they are people that are self medicating mental illness issues. The idiots in the medical profession can't seem to figure out the simplest diagnosis. My experience with many doctors is that they lack the ability of deductive reasoning. Actually their problem is fear based, as long as they follow ridged protocol they feel a certain sense of safety and are unwilling to deviate. And alcohol does not kill brain cells. I guess this is really a topic for one of my other blogs so I'll just leave it at that. Stay tuned, I'll be back.

Denial (this is a link you know)

2008-05-13T21:37:00.003-05:00

Ok,Simon here, Sinamin is a friend and is going to be more involved developing this blog for awhile. I'm sure anyone who stops by here has some helpful knowledge to share, please take a moment and participate, the smallest bit of knowledge could be a lifesaver for someone doing battle with addiction, depression, anxiety disorders and mental illnesses of a million different varieties. I'm hoping this blog or whatever it becomes will be a useful tool for those of us living the subculture of addiction. I'm trying to share all I know, which is a lot, but definitely not totally comprehensive. I notice that I'm getting a fairly steady increase in visitors but no one has yet to offer any useful information. If one were to look at the statistics on drug and alcohol addiction you would think a great many people out there have experience that some of the rest of us could use to improve our lives and I'm adamantly convinced of it. The question is how do you get people to care about others suffering parallel experiences. Most of us addicts exist under the same dark and gloomy cloud and the only way to clear the air is by helping each other.
I'm not sure if I'm suffering from delusions or not but lately I'm beginning to think that addiction isn't really the problem, addiction is just a symptom of other issues which plague us. Issues which we feel hopelessly condemned to endure because of social pressures to keep them hidden. I'm getting real tired of all this "social norms" bullshit and the stigmatising of what are referred to as "outliers" in mathematical statistics. I say fuck'em, if the majority of the population wants to march to the beat of the same drummer then they will always live a life of pretentiousness which over time will wear them down to brainless followers and some will just be so miserable they will prematurely die of some self induced disease. I do believe that our minds have the power to initiate self destruction in the guise of some incurable terminal illness. This is the future of the people who get caught up in the mass hysteria of social pressure to behave in unnatural ways to avoid condemnation from their neighbors. Very sad, and I have no doubts when it comes to this pathetic nature of our society.

Park Nicollet Clinic

2008-05-09T09:36:00.005-05:00

Hey, Sinamin here. Yesterday was a pretty good day, got a major issue taken care of, transportation. At least I have some now, not an ideal medium; however, better than begging others for rides all the time. Today I have an appointment with a Dr. David von Weiss @ Park Nicollet Clinic in Eagan. Once again I'm going to have to plead my case for my medication, Klonopin. What a hassle, but I've no choice here, the alternative is not acceptable. Not right now anyway, don't feel like giving up having come this far. I've no reason to believe it won't be another hassle, but I'll let you know how it goes later. Funny thing is I'm court ordered to stay on my medication?
Mary, the woman that lives here just informed me that she is going to make breakfast and I'm invited to indulge. I'm not really hungry and I'm trying to shed a few pounds I managed to acquire while in treatment. She was a little persistent so I caved.
I think I've mentioned Avalon, I'm going to start outpatient treatment there on Monday, I'm sure that'll be a trip. I'm going to be keeping you updated on that venture also, anything to do with my addiction problem for now. I've become a relative group therapy professional and I actually am beginning to enjoy these things. I wanna start posting some audio soon, slowly researching the podcast thing. I'm building a new computer but it's slow going given my limited resources(money). I'm trying to build a micro server so I can actually host my own blogs and web pages and allow other clients to maintain databases on it. Don't know what I'm doing, but I learn as I go. Part of my recovery is to develop hobbies along with a social network. Progress has been slow but steady. Six months ago I didn't want to live any more, today I'm giving life another go. Must be partly due to the medication which I have to constantly do battle with the medical pros to maintain. they're going to kill me yet. So far though; I'm maintaining sobriety and that means I'm surviving. I have to be careful not to start sinking into my natural state of depression which is where I just get tired of all this. I kinda think Mary upstairs is a little lonely at times. I'll be back later today, practice mindfulness while I'm gone, do some research on Zen and Buddhism.

Benzodiazapines

2008-05-08T13:38:00.003-05:00

Hi world. Welcome back to the real world. Benzodiazepines are a class of drugs designed to relieve anxiety and anxiety attacks. Anxiety disorder/chronic severe depression, that's my diagnosis. I was pretty young when I discovered that alcohol works great for anxiety and so the natural tendency would be to use alcohol to relieve anxiety. This is a common problem among alcoholics and addicts of all types. A lot of us aren't really alcoholics and drug addicts at all. We are just people with a mental disorder who've discovered a chemical that offers relief. The problem here is a simple one and the solution is even simpler; however, the paradoxical nature of this whole thing is phenomenal. Once a person gets labelled as having a history of abusing alcohol or drugs, the medical protocol is to never prescribe that person any medication that might have addictive properties. This makes absolutely no sense to anyone with an IQ above 90. If on the other hand, you don't have a history of abusing drugs and alcohol ( I don't understand why society wants to separate alcohol from the drug classification) there is absolutely no problem getting medication to help you with anxiety and or anxiety attacks. I fact doctors are more than willing to prescribe these drugs to someone who either hasn't admitted to drug abuse or just hasn't had the opportunity to discover the medicinal efficacy of street drugs when it comes to anxiety. That leaves the "drug abuser" in a very difficult situation to which there are few solutions, other than to continue to seek relief soliciting illegal street drugs and risking some fairly serious consequences. Like dirty drugs, characters of questionable moral ethics, dangerous situations of the life threatening variety, and the police and prison. All because of medical protocol for denying medication to the people who need it most. Funny part of this whole equation is you would think that a doctor would be intelligent enough to recognise the damage being done to the person whom they deny medication. I actually had one dumb ass write me a prescription for AA meetings? Very fucking funny.

Avalon Treatment Center MI/CD Eagan, MN 55122

2008-05-06T06:34:00.006-05:00

Ey all of you big strong men, uncle Sam needs your help again. Lyric from days gone by. Anyway, Sinamin here. I got out today, outside I mean. Lately I don't do that much. Today I had to, by order of the supreme court, I went to a place called Avalon in Eagan. Another substance abuse treatment center, outpatient. Had to do a CD assessment to appease the powers that have infiltrated my life. Looks like I have a substance abuse problem after all? I'm still trying to get over the shocking news. Not sure why their address is posted all over the place as 1971 Seneca Rd, the place is actually 1230 Eagan Industrial Rd. suite 100. If you click on the link heading on this post it'll direct you to a pdf file on the place. Had my assessment done by a guy named Phil Burton. Pretty nice guy I guess, got his training through Hazelden. Hazelden preaches total abstinence, which means no meds. One of the main reasons I have problems with AA. I'm all for any medication that can keep me from using alcohol or any other crazy self medication i can get my hands on. The big paradox with meds is once you get tagged as an addict it's almost impossible to find a doctor willing to medicate you for anxiety (benzo's). They'll give you SSRI's 'till they're coming out of your ass, but nothing that'll really treat the real problems. I actually had to plead my case in front of the psychiatric board of mental health at the Mayo clinic in Rochester to get a prescription for Klonopin? This just ain't right. Once again I had to defend my use of a benzo this afternoon to another substance abuse counselor, getting rather tired of it. Truth is, there are a lot of addicts out there self medicating (dangerously), with a wide variety of illegal street drugs, risking an unimaginable variety of consequences when all they need is the medical society to pull their heads out of their asses and treat the mental illness issues that haunt us. So what if the medication is addictive, so is alcohol and meth and crack. At least the meds are legal and if they didn't make it so difficult to get them there would be a lot of lives saved, a lot fewer innocent people overcrowding our prisons and a lot less taxpayer's money being wasted on mentally retarded law enforcement personnel. Well, today I was sentenced to three days a week, outpatient treatment, three hours a day for like 20 weeks.

AFC (adult foster care) Eagan, MN 55122

2008-05-03T09:21:00.004-05:00

Adult Foster Care (AFC) homes are residential settings that provide 24-hour personal care, protection, and supervision for individuals who are developmentally disabled, mentally ill, physically handicapped or aged who cannot live alone but who do not need continuous nursing care.
OK now, that's where I've ended up this time. This is my first experience with a long term adult foster care facility. I've been here since Wed, April 30, 2008. Today is Sat, May 3, 2008. So three nights. Talk about stress! Moved basically into a regular families home with two kids and a fighting Beta Fish. I'm starting to settle a little now, but being transfered around like a hot potato sucks. Hopefully I'll be here for the long term at least that's the plan. This is a kinda small house in an average neighborhood here in Eagan. My guess is around 1500 square feet of living space. Split level with a bathroom upstairs and one downstairs. The upstairs is the owners domain and we (me and two other clients) live downstairs. I got lucky and have my own room. We all get basic cable tv and they have a phone for the three of us to share. This place also has Internet access which I tapped into right away. The owner of the house said he would "allow" Internet access to the clients if we showed a sense of responsibility. One of the others here is a youngster and they always seem to be unruley. The other guy I had met before in a different home. So far it seems pretty cool here except the guy is being real tight with the food. I don't like that, I like to eat what I want when I want. That's not going to be the case here. I'm not sure exactly what's going on here yet but I'll be finding out. I'm going to sneek a few pictures and add them to this post later today, stay tuned.

IRTS (intensive residential treatment service) Theodore 1, Theo1, West St.Paul, MN 55118

2008-05-01T16:08:00.008-05:00

Simon here! Just spent some time in an IRTS home in West St.Paul, MN 55118. This place is called Theodore 1. Pretty good place for sure. This place is clean with good food and good staffing. Of course every staff has it's idiots and Theo-1 is no exception; however, most of the staff at Theo-1 are professional and that's no small thing.

Theo-1 is a duplex with six bedrooms, four double rooms and two singles. They provide everything you need other than clothes and cigarettes. The coffee was blended with decaf and they run out of sugar every couple of weeks. No Internet connection for the clients but I guess you can get connected if you're creative. Theo-1 doesn't have a way to transport clients to meetings but there is a couple within walking distance. Right now the staff is consisted mostly of women. They have four part time men working there and they work nights and weekends. The part time staff help keep the place clean and dish out meds. The best counselor there is a woman named Janice, she's very knowledgeable and can be a big help, all you need to do is ask for it. Janice actually cares about the clients. I've been around a little and I can tell the difference between genuine concern and roll play. She's not bad looking either. Then there is the house staff, Mellisa and Clair. There are a couple others but their roll is hardly worth mentioning. Mellisa and Clair really make the place a pleasant experience. Mellisa was my favorite staff person. Mellisa is very intelligent and great to converse with. I liked Clair also, Clair is the nutritionist and plans all the meals. In my opinion Clair is a real beauty (literally).

Next in line is Shanon, I liked her but there were a couple of people I met that didn't ? Janice and Shanon facilitate all the groups so you get to know them right away. Then there's the program director, Kia. Kia keeps a low profile. The last one of any consequence is Sheri. Sheri does the intake interviews and well, Sheri could work on her people skills. Theo-1's program is centered around DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy) which is a spin off from CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). DBT is like a breath of fresh air after being bogged down in a murky cloud of twelve step. Twelve step programs haven't kept up with the times. I think we know a lot more about addiction than we did 65 years ago. For some reason AA is as stiff as a board, unable to change as we gain more knowledge. The notion that Bill W's spiritual awakening is the only way to get sober and stay that way is simply ludicrous. Bill W's spiritual awakening was Bill W's. Twains Maxim: "You can't grow old following another man's road". More on that as we go; anyway, DBT actually has its roots in ancient Eastern philosophy and is worth every bit of a trial. Stay tuned.

Pathways half way house Rochester, MN, Womens program

2008-04-23T05:57:00.004-05:00

Good morning sports fans! Just woke up myself, haven't got out of bed yet. Keep my computer near my bed; not much room in here but plenty. I'd tell you where I am but that would compromise my real identity. Not sure why I'm leery about doing that but for now I'll just keep it as is. Pathways women's program, don't know a whole lot about it besides the fact that it's right across the parking lot from the men's program. The smoking areas for both houses face each other across the parking lot. One of the rules there is that you can not talk to the women clients and the women clients can't talk to the men clients (residents). If you do you will be discharged, no exceptions. While I was there one of the younger guys there got narced on for talking to one of the girls at an AA meeting and they both ended up being discharged (kicked out). When they kick you out they give you like two hours to get your stuff and leave or they'll call the police to haul your ass out. Nice folks, huh? Assholes! You have to go to three AA meeting a week and there are several within walking distance of the houses and you always run into women from the other house but don't even say hello to them or you're out. Seems like there's always some kiss ass in the group that'll go running to the staff to get some brownie points. First night I was in Pathways one of the guys there tried to hang himself! That was OK, not against the rules I mean. He got a trip to the Mayo psych ward for a few days and then readmitted to The Pathways to hell. Anyway, just thought I'd mention the womens program and the fact that they're in the same boat. Cheers!

Pathways MI/CD, 613 2nd St. SW., Rochester, MN 55902

2008-04-20T08:58:00.007-05:00

A little more on Pathways and then I'm gonna let it go. After the first 72 hour hold they put on you then you are no longer allowed to stay in the house after 9am. You have to leave and "go look for a job". I guess that's OK if you're looking for a job but in my case I was looking for help with my addiction problem, if I wanted a job I'd have one. Part of the whole problem with my stay there was my social worker from Dakota county. This guy knew I was looking for help in overcoming my addiction problem, I wasn't looking for a homeless shelter which is what Pathways is. Let me say that one more time, Pathways in Rochester is nothing more than a homeless shelter. They claim to be an MI / CD treatment facility but after they misled me on that, reality sets in after you've committed yourself to the program. If you're actually looking for help don't look for it there. I have a hard time believing my social worker from Dakota County didn't know what a dump Pathways is since he's been in the business a long time. His name was Duane and he sure is good at pretending to have your best interests in mind as he manages your case. He'll claim he has no idea the place is what it is and act just as surprised as you are. If you are from Dakota county and you end up with a guy named Duane as a case manager just make sure you do your homework and be careful. I'll never forget this experience, it was a nightmare. So, anyway, you have to be out of the house by 9am every morning during the week. If you go to downtown Rochester and see a bunch of homeless people wandering around with nowhere to go, chances are they are MI/CD residents of Pathways. It's probably not so bad in the summer but I was there in mid winter and it wasn't any fun getting booted out on the street every morning regardless of the weather conditions. Most of the guys living there end up hanging out at the public library just to stay warm. You can start wandering back to the house around 3pm. This place is charging the county big money for your stay there and they're supposed to provide you with three meals, so when you leave in the morning you get to take a bagged peanut butter and jelly sandwich with you for your lunch, while the staff cooks themselves up a good hot lunch at the counties expense and take most of the food home with them; part of the reason no residents are allowed to eat lunch at the house. It's all food provided by the counties for you and I. Just one of their many scams or perks. The community of Rochester is under the impression that Pathways is providing a good humanitarian service for the community. I just wanna say that I'd much rather be in Jail than Pathways. The one thing that's particularly hard to accept about the place is that once you've committed yourself to their program and end up dependent on the system, Pathways keeps you in line by constantly threatening to discharge you if you don't pretend to love the place and a word to the wise....never say anything negative about the way they run the program (if you can even call it a program). I'm willing to provide more info if anyone is interested just post a question but that's all I'm going to volunteer for now. Everyone have a good day and read up on Zen.

Pathways half way house Rochester, MN

2008-04-17T17:13:00.003-05:00

Alright, here's what to expect if you are unfortunate enough to end up in Pathways. First off they search all your personal belongings which isn't unusual only in my case they did it while I wasn't present to watch. Oh well, no big deal, I had nothing to hide anyway. No cell phones allowed, no cell phone chargers allowed. While I was there a guy got caught with a cell phone charger and was immediately discharged, no phone, just a charger. First 72 hours you're confined to the house and that's pretty standard, no TV until 4:30 or so, can't remember the exact time. All the beds are on the second and third floors and you can't be anywhere upstairs after 9am which is when they do their ongoing searches of your personal belongings and check that you've made your bed and your area is neatly arranged. They have a little handout outlining the house rules but they are loosely written and you become aware of them by violation. You know how most of the time you just kinda skim over the rules so you have an idea of what's expected and let it go at that? Don't do that at Pathways; study the rules, abide by them to the extreme and don't be shocked when they come up with new interpretations of the rules everyday just to play with your head. If you end up there you'll see what I mean, the place is a real mind fuck. The humiliating part is the staff. The staff consists of a bunch of low level part timers who's other jobs are like shelf stockers at K-mart or burger flippers at some fast food place. These kids are the ones enforcing the rules and handing out warnings for violations, don't forget to take your hat off when you walk in the house or you'll have some dorky punk ass kid reprimand you for having it on in the house. Better to take it off before you walk in. They have rules there that defy any semblance of logic and the kids to enforce them too. I'll have more stuff on Pathways later, right now I gotta go, stay tuned.

Pathways in Rochester

2008-04-16T08:07:00.003-05:00

Just happened to be thinking about this blog yesterday and thought it might be a good idea to post some useful info on here. A couple of relapses back I was brought to the ER at Fairview Riverside (good place) and ended up in the psych ward. I was deeply depressed and was entertaining suicidal ideations. Well, I ended up getting six ECT's (electro convulsive treatment) and was kept in their locked ward for around 10 weeks. I've gotta say I found Fairview Riverside which is part of the University of MN's medical campus, a pretty good place. They have a Chemical Dependency Treatment facility on site but this time around I wasn't admitted because of the suicidal ideation part. Their CD treatment facility is called Lodging Plus and it is also a good place. Lodging plus wouldn't take me so I was sent to a treatment place in Hudson, WI called Burkwood. Burkwood is licensed as an MICD (mental illness/chemical dependency) treatment facility, it's not bad but it is a private for profit facility and could be a lot better. Spent 28 days there and then they sent me down to Rochester to Pathways, what a nightmare Pathways is. If I were you and you ever find yourself having the option of going to Pathways, run and hide. Pathways is a for profit half way house and it's run like a jail/homeless shelter. Terrible place with unprofessional counselors and a staff mostly consisting of part time kids who are given total authority over the clients, nightmare. I was supposed to be there for 90 days and left after about 40. Just couldn't take it any longer and I've been known to handle some rough roads. Just do yourself a favor and avoid the place like the plague if you can. I can give more details if anyone is interested and I might anyway. Right now I have to go get my morning Meds.

Uptown AA

2008-03-11T00:22:00.003-05:00

Haven't been there for awhile but there's a plan in the works. One of the other residents here wants to go one of these Thurs nights. Sucks not having a car but that's what happens when relapse grabs ya by the balls. Not feeling to good tonight so that's it for me. Catch ya later, maybe.

Robert St. West St.Paul

2008-03-06T23:18:00.004-06:00

02/18/08
Robert St. West St.Paul, MN

MI/CD St.Paul, MN

2008-03-06T20:13:00.005-06:00

Mentally Ill / Chemically Dependant, That's me, Simon. I'm just exactly that. I suffer from acute anxiety disorder and depend on alcohol for relief. I take plenty of medications including benzodiazepines. I sure would like to hear from you! This blog is set up for you, go ahead and post something, anything related to MICD that could be of help to people like us would be appreciated!

St.Paul

2008-02-28T12:08:00.004-06:00

Hello fans, I'm currently staying in West St.Paul. An MICD treatment center in West St.Paul. Actually the nicest inpatient treatment center I've been in. The staff here are all relatively young, very pretty and professional women. A stark contrast to Pathways in Rochester which is a total shit hole half way house. There are plenty of rules here but none of them seem unreasonable. This place costs the county $2750 per month per patient. A full house here would be 10 and right now there are 8 patients. 90 day program. I'll be keeping this blog updated now that I have Internet access and a lot to say. I'm going to start posting pics soon also so keep com'n back for more.

Back in St.Paul

2008-02-13T16:43:00.003-06:00

Well, I've been discharged from the hospital and back in St.Paul. I'm staying in an IRTS (intensive residential treatment services) home in West St.Paul. I'll be here for three months and then back on the loose. This time I plan on staying sober; same as all the other times but I really am getting sick of this merry go round. Alcohol is poison for me and so is the weed. I do have to admit one thing though, I've met some very interesting people I'd otherwise never encounter. Most of the people I've met are just operating on a different level than mainstream society. Looking down on the so called normal people. We're all insane.

Mayo Clinic, Genrose

2008-01-29T21:49:00.001-06:00

Still here, what a trip. I have to alter my attitude considerably to accept this type of entertainment. It is pretty good if you can view it from the proper vantage point. The most interesting are the bi-polar patients, and the most fun to be around. The normal everyday depressed suicidal patients can be a little dull, such as myself. It is an eye opener though when you get to see just how many deeply depressed people are out there in the comunity. Thank god for places like this that can help us get better. Life can be a dark place at times, good thing most of us never have to experience the darkness.

Depression

2008-01-27T21:29:00.001-06:00

Depression is a lonely place to be. Now we must bear the pain without the support of others, without their strength, without their presence. Now in the midst of our fear and anguish, we reach out and there is no one there. It is at this time of existential loneliness that we feel abandonded, empty and vulnerable. This is where we live.

Adaptative Overload

2008-01-26T14:01:00.000-06:00

That's a new one. Just becoming overwhelmed be too much bullshit. I had this arguement with one of the many GED counselors I've had. But it's my belief that a human being isn't much different from many other animals in that hey, you can be broke. Like a dog that's lost it's spirit or a horse that's been broken. When a human being loses his or her spirit and interest in life the usual diagnosis is mental illness. Maybe not mentally ill, maybe just tired and had enough? Why is it not a fundamental right for a human being to end their life in the most humane way possible. What's with all this bullshit about mental illness when it comes to suicide?

OT/RT

2008-01-23T16:20:00.000-06:00

Occupational therapy/recreational therapy, what a joke. Like little kids getting to go to art class where we can color with crayons, make little plaques and paint by numbers. Man, sure is wierd when you get this far down the road of addiction. I just wanna be left alone in my room to read but that's considered isolating and the nurses'll hownd the shit out of ya until you get out and socialize with the other nut cases. I think I've might of mentioned the fact that 12 stepping isn't working for me, so I've decided to study cbt as much as I can and maybe someday open up a CBT inpatient treatment program for addicts of all kinds. Not just chemically dependant addicts but for anyone addicted to anything. Later.

Hey all you addicts

2008-01-22T18:31:00.000-06:00

Got any questions? I've got answers. I've been in the MI/CD world for awhile now. Actually not that long but I've been through a lot of shit. ECT's and just about every medication you can think of. Now I'm off to a state run group home. Good thing too, I can't be trusted and I'm surprised when it happens. I'm already trying to figure out a way to get a drink but I don't think I'm gonna give in to it this time. They finaly put me on a medication that just might be the solution, at least part of it. Doctors are very reluctant to prescribe medication that actualy works for some reason. I guess it's because they can be abused, so what, I mean street drugs and alchohol will kill you. So what if a prescription drug is able to make you feel better, it's either that or death for some of us. Anyway I'm in this psych ward and getting a little bored, hopefully I'll be moving on soon. Remember, if you have any questions regarding addiction and commitment this is the place to get answers. Simon.

biopsychosocial disease

2008-01-21T17:48:00.002-06:00

Addiction and depression are biopsychosocial diseases, both are diseases of the mind, body and environment. If your depression is due to your addiction it is refered to as an organic mood disorder and will probably not need any other treatment than treatment for the addiction. Otherwise it is called a dual disorder and requires treatment for both the addiction and the depression at the same time and separately. Simon.

IRTS

2008-01-20T22:02:00.000-06:00

Looks like I'll be going to an IRTS home somewhere in Dakota county. This is all court ordered. I'm hoping that the recently prescribed benzo will put an end to my drinking. I'm sure it will, that's been my problem all along, anxiety and panic attacks. Incredible what it takes to get treatment and medication for anxiety, but I finaly think I've got it. Now I'll be able to get on with my life.

Alrighty Then

2008-01-18T17:05:00.000-06:00

Ok, finally, after all this trouble I finally just took a step in the right direction. First thing is I finally got the doctors to listen to me. Rather than let me die of alcohol poisoning they are finaly going to try to treat my anxiety problem. I guess I had to go where the real profesionals are, The Mayo Clinic (St.Mary's) in Rochester. Not only am I going to get medication for anxiety but they are also starting my on a program called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). After 5 years of 12 step programming that doesn't work for me and two near death relapses, I get the real thing. Right now I'm living in the psych ward in St.May's awaiting treatment. I've got people waiting to use this computer so I'll be back later.

yeeeeehaaa

2008-01-16T18:49:00.000-06:00

oh crap, I'm in a funny place, just have to make the best of it. I relapsed twice now in a short time. I'm trying to get the doctors to help me but nope...... I guess I can see their point in a way but it's just wrong. They won't prescribe me any benzo's for anxiety. Weird, I guess they just don't do that anymore, too dangerouse. I'm supposed to be better off drinking vodka than getting benzo's. I really doubt it, but that's their position on the subject. I'm having trouble getting my daughter on the phone also, not sure what the problem is, but I'm sure their is a problem. I need a few things from my apartment and no way to get out of hear to get the stuff. Tomorrow I'm going to try to get a pass or something so I can get some of my stuff, dammit. Well anyway, I ended up spending a month at Fairview Riverside psych ward and now I'm in the Mayo Clinic Psych ward. What's up with that crap? It's me, wasn't kidding about my addiction problem. Well, me gonna go read and nap.

whoops

2008-01-16T16:14:00.000-06:00

Hmm, I know it's been awhile but I'm back. Well kind of. I'm in Rochester psych ward in St.Mary's Hospital. Boom, twice in a row. No hope for me.

hey fans

2007-07-06T22:32:00.000-05:00

ok, here's the scoop. I'm nuts. Totally. My life is surreal. What the hell am I doing now? I'm in a small town in the center of Minnesota. The reality of this situation is unreal. I am completely insane. I'm intermingling with people that are like from somewhere in the "Twilight Zone". I engaged a young man in conversation, what a trip. Almost 100% clueless.

I'm back

2007-06-28T04:11:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, big action, big action, big action. If we're good we get to go to heaven, and if your bad you die when you die........I'm in trouble for the things I haven't got to yet.
Well, things have changed in the last couple months. Steps towards stability but I walk on thin ice. I'm no longer living in St.Paul. I made that move closer to work. There's a different vibe in a small town, not sure if it;s any good. Cambridge, MN 55008. It's the bomb. My prediction has come true, I knew it would, couldn't wait. I'm on my third beer since I got off work. I really want to be normal and my precious mind is already working on it. I've come to the conclusion that my mind has a mind of it's own. Strange, I never know where it's taking me. Hindsight is 20/20. It's the here and now that's mysterious. We really don't have control of our lives. Think about it. Are you where and what you want to be? I don't think so. As far as we know there are exceptions. You might be able to tell me where and what you'll be tomorrow, but how about September 8th? I would have laughed if I would've been told that I would be living in a small town making fairly big money last January. But here I am. You just never know. I do think there is a way to change directions but it takes a lot of guts and you just can't tell where you'll end up. Don't worry though, your mind is looking out for you. I'll have to discuss Gods will anoyher time.

Addiction Prediction

2007-04-30T02:31:00.000-05:00

Eh Fans, I've been a pretty busy boy. Haven't had the energy to keep up with everything I got going while I was unemployed. I'm flirt'n with disaster and I know it. Problem is almost like they say, I don't have control of my life. Do I or don't I? In aa the saying goes my best thinking got me into the dark and dreary gloom of addiction. So I'm supposed to give up control to my higher power. Well, it seems to me I'm pretty much back to round one. Round one just about tore me apart last time, after all I've been through and here I am again. I'm sober but I already know it's not going to last long. You see I can't stand the idiots I have to deal with on the job. There's always someone in every dam workplace that ends up having a problem with me. It doesn't matter what I do or say, O don't get it, been the curse of my life. I'm kinda thinking we all have the same type of problems on the job, it's the way we handle it that's different. At least I'm still sober. Around and around and around we go, where we'll stop nobody knows. I've just got to give it up, turn it over to my higher power. Only I can't see it working, if I don't exert some pretty extreme control I'll blow my top. Paradox. I need a drink, I don't mean I'd like to have one but I need one. I don't know how I'm gonna handle this fucking fuck I've got to work with but I'm telling you right now I hope my higher power gives me the strength I need to have here. I know I shouldn't do what I've always done in the past and let this guy push my buttons. I need to keep this job, and that's what I mean by being back to round one. It's the biggest fucked up thing we have to deal with in this life and that's taking it up the ass from some pussy assed punk because we need to keep our jobs. Fuck! I'm gonna do my best, that's all I can do. God help us both.

TZ

2007-04-08T04:28:00.000-05:00

You unlock this door with the key of imagination.
Beyond it is another dimension- a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind.
You're moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas.
You've just crossed over into . . . the Twilight Zone.

Step One

2007-04-01T22:50:00.000-05:00

view from my window

New Plan

2007-03-31T22:31:00.000-05:00

Alright, I'm through fuck'n around. I've been going to AA long enough to have figured out something. As you know, figuring shit out is what I do. I'm gonna use AA as my grand stand. Tonight I went to a speaker meeting at the Midway Club and I've gotta say it was the best speaker meeting I've attended. Hmmm, there are twelve steps, that's enough topic material in fact more than enough. I know something that we all know, only difference between us is that I recognize it for what it is. I know I talk like a mad man, and that's because I am a mad man. The longer I stay sober the farther down this road I go. My mind has been held in check since the first time I introduced a mood altering chemical into it, that's when I was 12. Anyway the funny thing is that when I read something I tend to retain bits and pieces of what I had no idea, and now I'm beginning to see and it's the thing I've always been trying to figure out. I know this part doesn't make any sense but just bear with me. I want to be a speaker at AA meetings. I wanna be the best, I wanna be nationwide. I have a plan, and it's so simple. I've overcome my fear of public speaking now, and I'm sure it's the result of all these meds I'm taking, but I can talk and I can all of a sudden talk well. I've attended so many speaker meetings I can say I'm an expert on the subject. It's perfect. I've had the pleasure of listening to several AA speakers more than once and it's been a blessing. Hell, I wanna be international, I don't know why but that's what I'm feeling right now. I know I can put it together. I must also say that there is something very spiritual about the Midway Club, messages get passed through there that? I can't get enough. I now think I know why god has delivered me to this place and I'm gonna go with it, I have no choice. Look out!

Real Stuff

2007-03-28T22:23:00.000-05:00

Hello fellow addicts, I went to another meeting tonight as usual. The Midway Club in St.Paul, MN 55104. It was OK, I think maybe I get a little carried away when I share but that's better than I was for so many years. I never used to share at all, I wasn't getting it. Now I'm getting it a little, you have to share if you want to be part of the program. You've got to open up and let people know who and what you are. Tomorrow morning I have a job interview way up in North, well 40 miles, I don't wanna have to move, so maybe they won't hire me. Anyway, the woman that got my attention bowling the other night was there tonight, I didn't talk with her but we both shared so I know a little more about her now and vice versa. I don't know if it's my imagination but I get the feeling a few of the young aa groupie girls are begging for us older guys to give them some attention. I'm not having any problem with that, I'm not very good at hiding the fact that I can't keep my eyes off 'em. I think I'm going to get a sponsor soon, can't be a real participant without working the program. Anyway this job I'm going for tomorrow is a good one, or I wouldn't even be going up there. pay is around $20/hr and it's a union job. I also have a interview in Plymouth, and I'm curious about the supervisor out there, supposed to know me? Well, in aa I shared the fact that I've been lacking enthusiasm for life, the topic was gratitude, I said I thought that I had plenty of gratitude just getting tired of the never ending merry go round.

continued ranting

2007-03-26T02:44:00.000-05:00

Clock screen saver is pretty cool. I think I figured out what I'm doing here. I just felt compelled to start this blog and I think I just need to get these thoughts out of my head, they tell me it isn't healthy to keep to much trapped inside the bone ball. I'm not much of a talker so at least I'm venting. I imagine this blog as a place to record my thoughts which have value because they've been formed by many years of unique environmental stimuli. I use the term unique because there does not exist another person, place or thing that has had the exact same environmental input. We truly are products of our environment and the only explanation i can conceive is what I call my higher power. It just doesn't seem right to just carry our thoughts with us to the grave and let them be converted back into dust. It just seems like there must've been a lot of effort exerted to create us which is a miracle. That we could be created out of dust? Are we sure that we are the most advanced biological creature on earths evolutionary scale? It does seem that way because we have the most advanced ability to communicate and use tools and we know of no other entity with similar capabilities. There must be more evolving to go, because the process must continue until we become gods and even gods must be evolving into even greater or more powerful gods and on to eternity? i saw a documentary on a theoretical physicist named Stephen Hawking. Hawking is a genius like Einstein was and he has devoted his entire life to answering the big questions. He says that the gravitational pull of a black hole is so powerful that even information is sucked into it? Do we really have the capability to understand things of that magnitude? It's hard enough to even contemplate the concept of a black hole let alone the theory that information can't even escape.

Feelings

2007-03-25T14:07:00.000-05:00

Topic of the day. Scatterbrained, wishy washy, insecure, homeless, lost, afraid and lonely. There, that's kinda what I'm feeling; not to mention sick and tired. i guess I can't seem to put my finger on it but one things for sure, I think I'm resonating with the vibration of negativity. I wanna be different only I am what I am. How can I change something so intrinsic? I guess if I would just quit trying to I'd be alright.

Inalienable rights: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I guess I found it, happiness. Unfortunately happiness is also the fundamental problem. Such is life. I found happiness under the influence and now I spend most of my time denying myself. What's right today will be wrong tomorrow, the trick is to be in sync with the wave, for me that would mean doing the opposite of everything I've been doing which is a paradox. I just have to give it up to my higher power and accept the cards I'm dealt. The more I think I have control of my destiny the farther it seems to stray off course. It all boils back down to moments, how bizar.

Midway Bowl

2007-03-24T23:02:00.000-05:00

Alright, today was a little strange for me. I was up late as usual when I'm bot working and, therefore; I slept in. I kinda knew right away when I woke up that I wasn't right. It's that spooky sinking feeling and everything seems a little off. I don't like that feeling, because I know I can get sucked into it, deeper and deeper. I didn't wanna get out of bed so I was real slow about it. I felt like I needed to eat something but I had no appetite? I ate a can of raviolis, and that gloomy, spooky feeling just kinda hung with me which in turn started stirring up anxiety. I ran out of nurontin a couple days ago? Anyway, my day stayed dark. I went to a meeting around 3pm and felt compelled to share my feelings of despair. You know I have to rethink doing that, it has more than once left me wide open to negative criticism. No matter how I try to explain what's going on with me when that dark cloud starts blocking out my light, there is always someone who doesn't get it. Today was no exception. I understand that it's a lost cause trying to verbalize this state of mind to someone who's never experienced it and, on an intellectual level have to disregard the ignorant advise generated. I still feel an emotional rush as I am so advised. So, I think I need to replenish my gabapentin (nurontin). Only problem is a lack of money. Despite all this crap I did manage to go sober bowling tonight, almost didn't, but I knew I'd regret it. I'm glad I went, I met a woman that interested me. I don't remember her name, but I'll be looking to talk with her again. I'll be back in a bit.

The Light

2007-03-23T23:21:00.000-05:00

Ok, it's kinda funny how I get things, but I usually do. I guess it started to dawn on me while writing my last post. There is absolutely no reason for someone like me to dispute the validity of the twelve steps of AA. It really isn't important, what is important is that I do not pick up! Nothing else matters for me, because if I pick up again I'll more than likely die. So, from now on there'll be no more of that. It's just that I had to have that part figured out b4 I could, on an intellectual level, accept it or understand. It just doesn't matter. I've been trying to complicate an extremely simple program. Don't question it, just work it or die. Although that's another question all together, do I wanna die? I have to admit that I have wanted to die on numerous occasions but I'm hoping that's because of the fact that I also suffer from mental illness, which left untreated will also lead to death. Right now, I'm on several medications that keep me above ground. OK, now that that's settled I can get on with the business of recovery. This is the only time that I would advocate blindly accepting anything, at least the only time I can think of right now. AA all the way, both feet.

Midway Club

2007-03-23T22:23:00.000-05:00

The Midway Club, 1161 Sherburne Ave., St.Paul, MN 55104 Pretty good club, lot's of meetings and real. I don't wanna violate the anonymity of AA, so no real names. Most of the members of this group are really down to earth and actually will talk about their struggles with addiction unlike a lot of clubs that seem to be a more formal and with almost scripted dialog. I'm not really sure how to describe a lot of what I see in AA clubs, but it's as though one dare not be negative about any of the steps. Kinda like if the program doesn't seem to be working for you it's because you're not working the program. "It works if you work it", is an AA motto and you're not working it if you see any flaws in the program. I'm trying to understand it better myself. "Fake it 'tll you make it", is another motto and you now, for me it does seem to work. It's the fellowship of AA that seems to work for me, and if you express negativity you won't become part of the fellowship. I've been going to AA meetings for about five years now and I'm just starting to catch on. Only the tendency is for me to wander away from the program and when I do I find it difficult to fit into the program. If you wanna stay clean in AA, you have to work the program and don't be a nay sayer. I'll be back, I gotta get something to eat.

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

2007-03-23T00:19:00.000-05:00

Trying to get out of the twilight zone, huh? Funny how real life can be stranger than fiction. I think I know what you mean. Like, am I the only sane person on the planet? I've spent most of my life trying to adapt to an insane population and have finally given up. Now I amuse myself confusing others. The elements of uncertainty and mis perception leave us all floating around in the twilight zone. Just kidding Angelfish, but there's much we're missing out on because we are blind.

Midway Club

2007-03-20T00:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, I found a great AA group, it's the Midway Club one block off of University, Northwest corner of Lexington and University. I'll be writing more about it, but I have to crash now.